NBR: long "Friend" vent...am I wrong or is she?

Sascha3

Background:  The girl I call my best friend has not been a great friend for years now.  I keep going back like a bad relationship.  She can be so magnetic and so fun to be around, but she may be the most selfish person I have ever met, and would literally qualify under Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Histrionic Personality Disorder, and is a complulsive liar.  Over the last ten years, she has told me that at least 30 different people were opening a salon for her, she was the international colorist for L'Oreal, a fashion correspondent for E!, Tom Ford was designing a salon for her that was being given to her free, multiple clothing lines and accessory lines, a line of dog carriers, children's books, etc.  None of this came to fruition until she recently opened a single chair studio in Beverly Hills where she does hair.  I am very happy for her, although it was kind of a cry wolf thing I didn't believe until I saw it.

She always claims to be so busy that she can't return phone calls for months, tells me she is coming to visit and doesn't even call me to tell me she isn't showing up, never came to my bridal shower or baby shower, never sent a gift, insisted on creating the guest book for my wedding which I never saw again and never got to read the messages.  She only calls me when she gets sentimental or depressed or to brag about a new business she started.  In full disclosure, I admit I am horrible at calling people as well, and awful at committing to making plans.

So last week, she asked if she could come to Vegas (4 hour drive) to stay with me and the baby from Mon-Wed.  I said yes and was excited to see her and show off my baby.  She got here Mon night about 6.  I told her that I completely forgot to tell her I had my newborn photo shoot scheduled for the next day but it would only take about 3 hours.  It ended up taking 5 hours, as Layla cried a lot and it took a lot of work to get her in the sleeping poses and was a long day.  I got home and texted her about it and to tell her I was home.  She had made plans to go see a mutual friend of ours.  An hour and half later she texts to tell me she feels she came at a bad time and is on her way home.  I was shocked and hurt that she would just leave and called her and texted her asking if I had offended her or what I had done that made her feel unwelcome.  No answer and no response.  So I texted her the next day how hurt and offended I was that she didn't have the decency to say goodbye or return my calls.

She writes back to say how inconsiderate and rude I am for leaving her alone all day and not inviting her to the photoshoot.  Or at least told her ahead of time so she could come a different day.  The shoot needs to be as distraction free as possible so I couldn't invite her.  I only intended to be gone 3 hours.  I was only gone 5 hours, not all day.  I couldn't text her to tell her I would be longer as I had no service in that area.  I thought the adult thing to do would have been to talk to me instead of just taking off and ignoring my calls and making me cry all night because I thought she didn't want to be around me or my baby. 

She said she is trying to start her new business and is moving and has so little time, that Tuesday was the only full day she had to see me and she drove all the way here to see me and the baby.  So basically she pulled a huge guilt trip on me that I wasted her precious time and didn't work within her time constraints and made me feel like a horrible person for it.  I forgot to tell her about the shoot, yes...I just gave birth a week ago and sleep in 2 hour stretches.  I thought a real friend would understand instead of making me feel like the world needs to revolve around her schedule.  It's not like I ditched her to go hang out, I was at an appointment for my baby!

Was I horribly rude for not inviting her, or is she being self centered as usual by making me feel like sh!t for leaving her for a few hours to do something special with my baby and not spending the entire day with her? 

I really feel I need to cut her off completely.  Everytime we make plans she either flakes on me last minute or does something to make me feel bad.  I just am so focused on adjusting to a newborn that it didn't even occur to me to make sure she felt she had attention the entire day. 

Sascha3

Wow.  That is really long.  Sorry.  Think the post-pregnancy hormones have taken over:/

michelle_1221

So sorry, but you need to cut it off. More important priorities than spending energy on someone like her. She doesn't fit the definition of a friend.

chemmie03

I think your "friend" is more drama then anything else. If she did go to the photo shoot she probably would have made it about her an how bored she was. Sorry you had to go thru this. 

namara5532

To play devil's advocate for just a moment, she does have a point about not being told about the photo shoot.  I know I would personally be annoyed if I drove out to see a friend only to have them disappear for 5 hours without getting prior warning.

However, I wouldn't have handled it how she did.  She should have talked to you and answered your call when you called to talk about it.  She wasn't willing to spend time with you unless you were willing to give her all your time.  I suspect if she had stuck around that she would've felt hurt by the attention you needed to give LO instead of hanging out with her, so it was probably a lose-lose situation either way.

If you really think she's a bad friend, don't have any regrets letting the friendship sizzle out.  People do grow apart and get different priorities.  If she's proven she considers her own obligations more important than being there for you, then let her go back to her little world.

Sascha3

namara5532:

To play devil's advocate for just a moment, she does have a point about not being told about the photo shoot.  I know I would personally be annoyed if I drove out to see a friend only to have them disappear for 5 hours without getting prior warning.

However, I wouldn't have handled it how she did.  She should have talked to you and answered your call when you called to talk about it.  She wasn't willing to spend time with you unless you were willing to give her all your time.  I suspect if she had stuck around that she would've felt hurt by the attention you needed to give LO instead of hanging out with her, so it was probably a lose-lose situation either way.

If you really think she's a bad friend, don't have any regrets letting the friendship sizzle out.  People do grow apart and get different priorities.  If she's proven she considers her own obligations more important than being there for you, then let her go back to her little world.

I agree with you about not being told, but it literally never crossed my mind until she was here.  Like I said...one week after giving birth, it just wasn't on my mind when she facebooked me to say she was coming (she didn't call of course).  I just think she could have been more compassionate and talked to me about it instead of leaving and ignoring my calls like a child.  And you are right that she would have probably ended up feeling neglected anyways. 

I thought maybe it bothered her to see me in such a stable, happy marriage and with a baby, but honestly, I don't even think that is something she even wants.  She has dated a couple wonderful family guys and she is never happy because they are not rich enough or famous enough.  I am sure she finds my life boring now.  I used to be a huge party girl and dated tons of guys, and I finally grew up in my mid 30s and am happy to be a homebody and with my family. 

Tracilaroo

Sounds like a big B to me. It might be slightly disappointing to miss out on a few hours of time with you but she should understand that this is something important and as an adult should be able to entertain herself for a few hours (in Vegas). If she really wanted to spend time with you and the baby she would have stayed. Cut her off and be better for it. How many people make the 4 hour or more drive to Vegas for two days every weekend just to party? Thousands. It's not that big of a deal. She's being a drama queen.