Bedsharing and relationship with partner

lovekissedmama

The below post about bedsharing resounded with me because bedsharing has begun to take a toll on my marriage. We have two mattresses set up on the floor. H sleeps on one, DD sleeps on one, and I go back and forth. Lately I have been sleeping exclusively with DD. Nursing her releases sleepy hormones and I LOVE her snuggles. I've gotten so used to sleeping with her that I can't sleep well when I try to sleep with H. This is so very sad for us. I've decided to try, beginning tonight, to stay awake while nursing DD back to sleep after each waking and go back to H. We are missing the intimacy we used to have. Anyone been there, done that? I can't believe I let it get this far. I truly miss my partner and don't feel connected - we NEED to sleep together. And I am so sad to lose my cuddles with my baby!

meltoine

I'm pretty much a lurker, but I had a lot of guilt over this issue too. What it came down to for me is this: when my relationship with DH is healthy, I'm a better mom. DS is better off with happy parents and a little less attention than unhappy parents.

I have to put my relationship with DH first. When we married we decided that our relationship priorities would have to be God, each other, kids, then extended family/work/etc. Having strong relationships with God makes us better spouses; having a strong marriage makes us better parents, and having a happy family life makes us better children, parents, employees, etc.  

bluesapph

I really like what the poster above said.  I think there are times in life when baby comes first, a lot of times actually.  Baby comes first always for those first few months.  But there comes a point when your relationship needs to come first.  I don't think you are doing any harm to your child by sleeping with your husband or putting baby in a crib or another mattress, or any other variation.  

KittyKatMom

My husband slept in the guest room for 20 months until we turned that room into DS's big boy room and converted his crib to a full-size bed. He never slept well in his crib and, thus, slept in my bed for at least part of the night since he was a newborn. Now DH and I are back in our master bedroom together, but I am also finding that I'm having trouble sleeping there. I just got so used to having DS next to me, that I don't truly sleep soundly until I am in bed with him (I go sleep with him in his bed after his first night waking).

I'm hoping it's just something I will outgrow once DS is older and is consistently sleeping through the night. It has been tough on our marriage, but a little better now that DH is back in the master bedroom and no longer feels displaced. I figure if we can ride this out for a few years (baby #2 is on the way, and I will be co-sleeping with that LO in his/her room for who knows how long), then DH and I have the rest of our lives to sleep in bed together. The babies are only little and needy for a short time.

lovekissedmama

meltoine:

What it came down to for me is this: when my relationship with DH is healthy, I'm a better mom. DS is better off with happy parents and a little less attention than unhappy parents.

I wholeheartedly agree. What DD needs most of all is parents who are happy and have a healthy relationship. This foundation makes possible a peaceful home life, fulfilled and engaged parents, etc. Thank you, everyone for your comments. We tried last night and it did not go well. I forgot why I began bedsharing - DD does not sleep without me. Every 30 minutes-1.5 hours she wakes up. She is teething and learning to walk. Lately sleeping beside me isn't enough. She actually sleeps on top of me. I guess H and I will push sleeping together off for a few months. This phase will pass and we will survive. Sigh.

Lotzodotz

For us, how we sleep has nothing to do with the intimacy in our marriage.  We make sure to connect in other ways through out the day.  We always make sure to connect every evening, usually it's sitting together having tea and talking while our girls play. We have started to have a date night once or twice a month, just the 2 of us, which had helped a lot.  I do try to snuggle with my husband every night even with the baby in bed with us, I figure it's the quality not the quantity!  Parenting is all encompassing, but it is so important to nurture our relationship that we both make it a priority.  A quckie on the sofa every now and then helps too!