1 week later...

andrea1706

I can't believe that it has been only a week since my pregnancy ended.  It feels like months... I keep having to remind myself that it is ok to be feeling sad and lost and angry and that eventually those feeling will lessen and I won't end up in tears at the end of each day.

At our 12 week scan we were told that our baby's NT measurement was high (4.1) and that a CVS was recommended to test for chromosomal abnormalities.  This happened on a Friday, and we spent the weekend in tears expecting the worst.  When the test results came back negative we were so relieved and really thought that everything would be ok.  The nurse even told us that the tests revealed that we were expecting a boy.  I can remember the tears of joy and relief.

A few weeks later the doctors called us back for a follow-up screen to confirm that everything was ok.  This is when we learned that the worst was not over.  The doctor discovered that the baby's diaphragm had not developed and the internal organs had moved up into the chest cavity.  This meant that the heart was on the wrong side of the body and the lungs were being compressed and could not develop.  I can still remember the doctor explaining how serious the situation was and that our options were very limited.

Over the next several days we spoke with doctors and specialists in other states to try to understand exactly what was wrong with our baby and if anything could be done.  In the end, each person we spoke to agreed that the odds of the baby surviving were slim, and if he did it would likely mean a lifetime of surgeries and health issues.  We were now forced to decided what to do.

Last wednesday I had a D&E and ended the pregnancy.  I know some people may disagree with this choice and I am hoping you can refrain from judging me.  It was the most difficult thing I've ever done, and something that I will always break my heart to think about.  However, we knew that if the baby survived it would never have the quality of life he deserved.  It wasn't a decision that was made lightly.

I am telling my story because I just need to get it out, and I thought sharing my sadness might help it to lessen a little. 

Petunia844

I'm so sorry for your loss.  There are other women on this board who had to make similar choices, hopefully you can find some comfort here amongst friends. ((Hugs))

foxxy1

No judgment here. A lot of women who lurk and post on here also had to make similar and heartbreaking decisions.

Please know you're welcome to post here. Although it breaks my heart to see new ladies come on here, I'm glad that you have found a place to be open and share your story.

Heatherhah

I am so sorry for your loss I hope you find comfort here the ladies here are amazing !!

dandywarhol

I'm so sorry for your loss and that you had to make such a difficult decision.  I hope you can find some comfort and peace through the support of the women of this board. 

LuckEinLuv

No judging here!  Someone here once said "if your child was alive and suffering on life support, you would take away their pain and remove the support."  That is what you did.  You took your sweet boy off of life support (you) and took away his pain.  It is such a difficult spot to be put in.  How far along were you?  Did you give your son a name?

ETA: I just want to clarify that those who did/are CTT are not "allowing" your baby to suffer.  Either choice is heartbreaking, knowing ahead of time that your child will not survive.

magdalina.h

I am so sorry for your loss. You made the best decision your baby. No one can judge that. You did a very selfless (I hope that's the right word because it sounds right in my head) by putting your baby's needs in front of your own.

johnnys june

I agree with LuckEinLuv -- your decision was no different from those of us who have had to watch our babies in the NICU and then decided to take them off the machines.  No judging here.  This is an open arms board.  I am so very sorry that you had to be faced with such a decision.  And I'm heart broken for your family and your loss.  *hugs*

roxyttandme

I am so sorry for your loss. I too terminated due to medical cause. (((hugs))) It adds another level to pain to a situation that is too painful to begin with. I am so sorry you had to make this decision as well. 

Sadly, welcome to the board.  

andrea1706

Thank you everyone for your support.  I was 15 weeks when we the pregnancy ended.  I am so sad for everyone on this board who has lost a child at some point.  It is heartbreaking.  I'm hoping to get back to normal in the coming months and begin thinking about trying again... though right now I still just feel so sad.

 I really do appreciate everyone's comments.  I feels better to just talk about it.

JessicaRobb

what a terrible decision to be faced with... I think having a choice must be harder than being told there is no heartbeat. I am very sorry for your loss.

I have found comfort from being able to talk about my feelings with women who understand. Hopefully you find the same comfort here. 

pb&fluff

JessicaRobb:

what a terrible decision to be faced with... I think having a choice must be harder than being told there is no heartbeat. I am very sorry for your loss.

This is very true.  We have gone through both.  We decided to end our first pregnancy when she was diagnosed with severe heart defects that gave her a 50% chance of survival into her teens.  This time around, there was no choice to be made....and honestly, it was easier.  There was no heartbeat, we simply waited for the end to come.

I agree with all the PPs....you made this decision out of love for your son, no question about it.  Everyone may not agree with your decision, but it doesn't matter, because it was YOUR decision and no one else's.  Some people gave me the guilt trip, but 95% of people agreed with our decision and said we did the right thing.

huge ((hugs)) to you.  I hate that any of us have to make this decision.

Carolee

I am so sorry for your loss.  I don't think that anyone here will judge you for your decision - it's one no parent should ever have to be in the position to make.  Welcome to the board - I hope you find suppot here.

mrsbarrier

I am so sorry for you and your husband's loss. No judgement here. Just know we are here for you. 

weddedwife

I'm so sorry for your loss. One thing I have heard a lot since my loss is this:

You made the best decision you could with the information you had at the time.

I have to focus on this from time to time when I'm dealing with my own guilt. I think we ALL deal with guilt in some form, whether or not we terminated.

No judgment here; you are amongst friends. It helped me so much in those early days to "talk" here about my loss.

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FirstTimer02

Thank you so much for sharing.  We are facing the same decision and it helps so much to hear from others.

FirstTimer02

LuckEinLuv:

Someone here once said "if your child was alive and suffering on life support, you would take away their pain and remove the support."  That is what you did.  You took your sweet boy off of life support (you) and took away his pain. 

 

Thank you for repeating this.  It helps a lot for those of us trying to work out a a way to understand the decisions we are trying to make.

pb127

I am so sorry for the passing of your son. You are among friends here, we won't judge you, just support you and comfort you through your pain.  Welcome here (((HUGS)))