Family does not support us wanting to adopt..

riderpunk

DH told his family we were going through the process to try to adopt.  We have been going to local meetings and figuring out which process and what type is best for us lately and he figured he share his excitement.  Unfortunately, since its not a "real"biological child, they will not consider the child as part of the family...Not sure what to say to this honestly, other then if its their problem..then we just have to keep ourselves separate from that negativity. I like to share our happiness with our families, but comments like this, not sure we will even bother.

For those have had this happen to them,  will it take some time to sink in, maybe?

Dr.Loretta

It did not happen to us, though I feared it would with DH's family.

One thing to keep in mind is that they may need time to grieve the potential for a bio grandchild, just like you may have had to grive the potential for a bio child. If that's your situation. And it may be a simple matter of educating people who know nothing about adoption.

That being said, you may have to go the route of letting them deal. Not sure what the relationships are like.

arbutusbride

It may take them time to come to terms with not having a bio grandchild.  Maybe when the little one is officially part of the family they will change their mind. If they don't well, then you will have to limit the time you spend with them.  If the family does not accept the child as part of the family, he or she may pick up on that and feel it is their fault.  

Ambie0611

I am so sorry hun! I know from experience how breaks you and your DH's heart!!!

My mom is weird too, she makes snide comments about how the baby wouldn't be ours and tells me horror stories about how the birth family can come back and take the baby away from us. She will then say how she is excited about being a grandma and can't wait, then in another breath tell me that a Birth Mom isnt going to pick me because I am fat or that my floor isn't vaccumed correctly.  It really does hurt but I just try to ignore everything that she says.

I am praying that your situation will be different, hopefully they are just grieving themselves, which is probably it. Just give them time and see if they come around. If they don't then you and your dh just need to ignore them. and if they don't want to be a part of your babies life, then you and your DH with your gorgeous LO (I am just assuming that your LO is going to be gorgeous. ) need to just move on, it is DH's family's lost.  

silliestbunny

I don't have experience with this.. but I have seen how a child actually heals this rift with other families.  It seems like once a baby is there, the family forgets what they said and begins to love the family.

If that's not the case, I am sorry for you.  And this may sound harsh.. but re-read what you wrote.  Do you really want people that can't love unconditionally in your life?! 

Hugs... and prayer.

inlovewithB

When we told my In-Laws we were starting the adoption process they reacted negatively. My FIL said "Why would you do that, adopting is just taking on someone else's problem".

Now that our precious DD is here they can't wait to meet her. I haven't forgot their reaction to our news and I am having a really hard time "forgiving" them.  They are going to meet her this weekend and it makes me cringe to think what they might say to her as she gets older. I know holding on to this will only hurt me and DD in the long run, but it is so hard to "let it go".

For most people once there is a new family member things change...how could they not LOVE a sweet child? 

lolo2011

Hopefully they just need time to process it but you need to be prepared to walk away and put your future baby first.  After lots of infertility it took my husband a while to come around and then we got nothing but negative comments from his parents.  Really negative.  I was prepare to stay away and have the family I always wanted.  When they realized their opinion would not stop us they started to get excited and asked us more info.  I think when we explained the process they were ok with it.  I was still concerned how they would react to my child compared to their other grandchildren.  I was again prepared to stop contact if they treated our son ANY different.  Well, the day he came to us they could not have been happier and love him to pieces and brag brag brag about him. 

I really hope this is the case with you.  Luckily my familiy was excited enough for both sides.

Oh - I am in Boston so can give you info on my agency and others we looked into.  Good luck! 

JMay

Not sure if I can add anything helpful to this conversation, but...

I know for sure DHs family will not be supportive, in spite of the fact that their is already an adopted nephew in the family, to whom we are all very close.  MIL nearly lost her top when I mentioned it two years ago, SIL (also going through IF) says my BIL looses his mind when she brings it up, and he has said if she ever mentioned adoption again, he'd leave the house.  My DH started screaming when I first brought it up years ago... I don't know the source of all this negativity, but I do know that my DH has just recently brought it up to me - he just needed a LONG time to get used to the idea.  Also, my MIL rejected me completely when she first met me (I wasn't the "right" ethnicity) but now we're very close and have a great relationship.  My point here is that people come around.  People will rail against what scares them, but once they see their fears are baseless, they calm down and open their minds. 

And FWIW, I have girlfriends whose extended families say horrible things about their own flesh and blood, so if people are going to be nasty, they are going to be nasty regardless of adoption.  Just do what you feel is right in your heart - people who deserve a spot in your life will figure it out!  GL! 

kellz

I am sorry you aren't getting the support you should have...IMO, though, I just don't see how ANYONE can look at a baby once it's here and not love it!  I really think all that bio cr*p goes out the window for the adoptive grandparents when they hold that grandbaby.   And I have to say, if it doesn't, then that negativity doesn't need to be around your child! (IMO, of course, again : )  GL to you!

MummyGruetzie

I'm truly sorry that you're going through this. It frustrates me that our kids often need the most love in the world and yet have to deal with these situations. 

We had this issue with my ILs when they found out about DD. Even after DD came home they would make comments about having 1 grand-daughter (our bio. DD). We were about as far in to the trenches as you can go with parenting and it was a time when we needed emotional support. It was extremely hurtful. I think it became more pronounced of an issue bc she also had medical issues and they were/are afraid that she would ultimately die and wanted to avoid the heartache. I'm fairly certain that these issues wouldn't be as prominent if DD was healthy. Again--extremely hurtful.... My parents were starkly different and set an amazing example of doting grandparents. My Mom actually told me at one point that when she'd shared her "new grand-daughter" story with a friend, how she was put down as "less than a grandmother to her" and how badly it hurt her for someone to not understand how deep her love for DD is. The contrast between our parents is ridiculous. 

But everybody responds differently and I can honestly say, I'm somehow okay with it right now. I'm not happy for it, but find myself being mad about it much less than I used to be and am often truly at peace. These days, MIL is much much better and I wonder if someday she'll completely come around. FIL is still stand-offish. His example has rubbed off on BIL and future-SIL. It comes across loud and clear in family gatherings. But I hold my head high and couldn't be more proud of our family... This has been the topic of many sessions with my therapist, actually....

I've learned to feel sorry for them that they'll never understand this love we have for DD. I feel sorry for them that they're missing out on the experience of a life-time (being grand-parents) and that they've set a horrible example for their children. Our bio. DD has started to pick up on the issues and I can easily see this effecting her respect for them as she continues to be more aware. I've learned a lot from the experience and love deeper and more openly for it. I see my time with the ILs as an opportunity to teach, if you will, to let them see what we have and maybe gleam something from it. More than likely not, but maybe...

acesup

I just want to say that I am so sorry they are behaving that way. It's sickening to me. You are right to keep their negativity away and it will be their loss in the end. My niece is adopted and she is every bit a part of me as my "blood" family. For crying out loud she actually looks like us- sometimes I forget the she is adopted! 

GL on your journey  

riderpunk

Thanks everyone with your perspective and positive comments.  Its been pretty stressful trying to figure out what we want to do, never mind trying to figure out how we will handle our families.  On my part I will probably have to bring in some education maybe, in order for certain people to fully understand, other then that I just won't let their negative vibes bring us down.  Its hard not to get sad about that, but I am working at it.