Looking for help for a friend (infant loss)

EmjayTheTenth

My neighbor lost her 3-month-old little girl last week.  1/10/12. 

This was a case of SIDS based on what the medical examiner can tell, from ruling out any other detectable causes.  Her dad found her in the crib, and he tried, and then I tried to resuscitate her, but she was gone already, quite sadly. Mom was at work, and had to get this phone call on the job.  :-(

I've never been on this board, although I have lost two pregnancies myself.  This visit, however is for my friend.  She's having a terrible time, of course.  I don't know a single thing I can do for her to help... and I'm trying to be as much help as I can by just letting her talk, show me pictures, hanging out with her while her husband isn't home, etc.  

I can't possibly imagine how she feels because I've never been in her shoes, and I'm trying really hard to ignore all the cliche things people say and do, even if well-meaning.  I hate watching her suffer, but I will be here all the same.  She is firmly planted in the anger stage right now.  The funeral was Sunday. 

Is there anything you can recommend?  Maybe a book that you found helpful, or a support group or anything like that?  They are such good people, and she just lost her mom less than a year ago.  She's dealing with these two very significant losses, as well as having two other children in the home (18-months and 7 years).  The little boy (7) is having some problems really understanding why/how/etc. 

I've been very depressed myself since this happened, and I wish I could have done something... anything... to help them.  But right now, I'm looking for help for my friend.  I'd be grateful for any recommendations.  

pottermommy

I am sorry you have all gone through such a tragic loss.  My DD was nearly 2 when she passed away.

First off check the the top of the board for things to do or say, it has way more advice than I could ever give,

You are doing the best thing you can do, just listen, be there.  Sometimes we don't need people to talk back we just need them to listen to what we have to say.  Advice isn't always what we need because nothing can be done to make it better.

Anger is so normal.  So is guilt.  Let her know about this site, she may find help in venting here or talking to mommies of angels.  Sometimes there is reassurrance just in knowing you aren't the only person who has felt a certain way.  She is welcome to come here it is a safe place.

For my SD we put her in grief counseling after our DD's death.  It has now been over 3 years and she still deals with it everyday but has a genuine understanding of what happened and who she is because of it and how she feels about her sister, life and death. The counseling for the child is a big big deal, it is what got her through.

I am so so sorry for the loss of this perfect baby.

StephK86

I found blogging, as silly as it might sound to be a big help. I could let out my true feelings and no one would judge me. My blog is in my siggy.(In case she wants to read other mother's stories) I connected with many other mothers through it and we all support each other.

SO and I also attended bereavement groups. We found our bereavement counselor through the hospital our son died at. Those meetings were also a great release for us.

You could suggest to her either of these two so she can connect with other parents that know exactly how she is feeling. Not that you aren't good enough but sometimes you need to talk with someone who can truly say "I know how you feel." I am always open to talk with anyone who has had a loss.If she ever wants to talk with me I would be more then willing.

You sound like a great friend and are already doing what you can to help her. The most important thing for you to do is just listen. My best friend has never had a loss but she would just listen and let me cry, scream whatever without judging or saying things like "Maybe you need help?"

Lastly don't be afraid to bring up her child. A lot of people don't want to bring up your child's name in fear it will cause more heartache. When really all we want to hear is our baby's name and to know people still remember them.

I am so sorry for you friend's loss. I will keep the family and you in my thoughts and prayers.

 

magdalina.h

I'm so sorry Emjay. Just be there. A support group is awesome, for those who are support group type people. She just may need someone to cry on their shoulder.

johnnys june

I agree with PP.  More than anything, she probably just needs to know that people are there....for when she is ready.

samakasrc

What everyone else said. I'm going to add, don't ASK what you can do to help, offer something specific. People always asked me what I needed and I didn't know. But for someone to say "I'm bringing dinner tonight", "I'm paid your phone bill last night"    or "I was just going for a walk, want to come with?" was a huge help for me.  Also, finding information about things that can help her with the grieving process is huge. Things like "Christians Beach" (they write your babies name in the sand and take a picture at sunset) or other local resources (support groups, etc). Give her the information and allow her to take what she wants from what you have to offer. An ear is sometimes the most helpful, and hugs. And know that she will never "get over" her baby, years from now she might still come to you sad or mad and still need an ear. And in the coming months, don't forget to ask how she's really doing and if she's been to visit ___insert babies name here___     (if she was buried) and if she'd like to go with you.