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fluttergirlmoonchild79

So I know my situation in many ways is different from many of you on this board but in many ways it's the same.  We finally got the autopsy results on Friday.  We were so worried that they would come back inconclusive but they actually had some answers.  The cause of death was listed as bronchitis, bronchiolitis and trachiatis. They also mentioned in the report that his lungs weren't formed properly.  Normally you have 2 lobes on one side and 3 on the other.  Corbin had 3 lobes and 4 lobes.  Our pediatrician - who's been so great - is at a loss and is going to talk to a pulminologist and geneticist for us.  In many ways me and my DH feel a bit better knowing that it really was nothing we did and nothing we could have done but I'm feeling so much guilt over the fact that my baby was sick and I didn't know, nor do anything about it (he exhibited no symptoms whatsoever) and major guilt over not creating a perfect child.  How does everyone not feel guilty over, as a woman, not creating a perfect child?  I can't stop crying or saying I'm sorry.

johnnys june

I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious Corbin.  I'm glad that you were able to get the results back and get some answers.  It will not take the guilt away -- unfortunately that's part of the grief process.  This is in no way your fault.  But I know, just as many of us on this board do, that hearing it and believing it are two completely different animals. *hugs* 

mrssoprano

I am so very sorry for your pain but glad you got some answers. I understand the guilt. I feel it too, even though it's irrational. Just try to remember that you had no control over creating the "perfect" child. Nothing you did or didn't do caused it. (((hugs)))

weddedwife

They didn't do an autopsy on Nathaniel. They had no reason to suspect anything was wrong with him, I just went into labor too early and he was born. I have MAJOR guilt over that. I feel like I HAD made a perfect baby and I just couldn't keep him safe. Sometimes I just cry and cry and find myself saying "I'm sorry" over and over again to him.

magdalina.h

I'm glad you got some results back. It was hard for me to hear that nothing was wrong with him and just because MY cord failed he was born too soon and his blood vessels couldn't handle the air pressure.

On the guilt thing...I'll let you know when I've figured it out. I'm great at telling people I don't feel guilty, but that's not how I really feel.

Gizu92708

Hugs to you. You didn't do anything wrong. Your not a bad mother because your baby Corbin had 3 and 4 lobes. Please understand that. When my baby died I blamed myself bc he had been moving less often the few days before he was born still. But we cannot blame ourselves. You did everything you could do, everything that was in your hands. He was a perfect baby , soo perfect he became an angel. Everytime I think that of my baby, that he was so perfect he became an angel, I feel a little better. Hugs once again.

lrichmond86

I'm so sorry for your loss.  It's terrible being a mommy and hot having your baby to hold.  Baby Gary was stillborn because his cord was wrapped tightly around his neck several times, however there was also a placenta abruption which the doctor suspects happened during delivery.  I have times when I am convinced that the placenta was the real cause of death and I feel terribly guilty that my body's failure to do what it was made to do caused my baby to die.  I find myself apologizing to my husband constantly (although he's told me again and again that I have nothing to be sorry for).  Of course he's right, but really internalizing that seems almost impossible. I do my best to hang on to the moments of clarity, when I realize that I truly did my best to take care of my baby and that there was nothing more anyone could have done.  Try to hang in there.  It's an awful reality that we all have to face here and I wish it wasn't true for any of us!  (hugs!)

erbarmywife

That guilt...oye.  I feel guilty because maybe I could've given the girls a better chance at survival if I had gone to the hospital the night before I did.  Maybe they both would've survived.  I felt guilty that I had time with Thia, but not Ella (nothing I could've done there, either).  I feel like I failed to keep my babies safe..that it was MY fault that the TTTS happened.  I failed Thia...she had done soo much better, and then just died.  In an instant, it was all over.  Thia's autopsy report just stated that she died from complications of extreme prematurety.  She was both perfectly formed, every organ was perfect..they dont know why she was getting better, and then died.  When I mean getting better, the night before she died the nurses told me that the dr was going to start trying to wean her off the canula the next day.  By 4:15am the next day, she was gone.  Just like that.  Ella died from severe hemorrhaging from having too much fluid/blood in her body...it's my fault...my body failed her.

I'm so sorry you lost your baby boy.  He was perfect, no matter what the reports say.   

JessicaRobb

I am so sorry for your loss. It is okay to cry. I can't imagine how you must miss Corbin. He showed no signs. Don't feel guilty.

Carolee

(((HUGS))).  Please don't blame yourself (although I know I did in the beginning as well).  You did not do anything to cause Corbin's death.  I still feel a lot of guilt over Eliott's death, but I have to tell myself that I did everything I could.  Every time I had any concerns, I called my doctor.  That was really all I could have done.  Telling myself that helps some.  The guilt can be really hard to deal with at times.  We're here for you if you need us.

samakasrc

I'm sorry for the loss of your son... I know the feeling. The whole time we were pregnant I felt so guilty that I hadn't created a perfect baby, (he had no kidneys). The autopsy results we comforting, it confirmed that it was nothing we did and nothing we could have fixed. Our son also had some other abnormalities with his organs, some because of the lack of kidneys and some not. I am meeting with a geneticist on Tuesday to go over all the results and find out more information. Losing a child is hard no matter what the circumstances, take some comfort in knowing it wasn't anything you did... Sending thoughts and prayers for comfort and healing...

Buckets of Moonbeams

Oh honey, no.  Please don't feel guilty.  Please know it was nothing you did or didn't do that caused your sweet Corbin's lungs to be not quite right.  2 of our 3 children had heart defects- 1 baby's were bad enough she needed open heart surgery and the other baby's were so severe they killed him.  AND STILL, every doctor we talked to, some of the most respected and highly qualified in California, assured us it was just a fluke, a random chance, bad luck.

Huge huge huge hugs.