- Pregnancy
- Baby & Toddler
- Parents
- Getting Pregnant
- Baby Names
- Product Reviews
-
Registry
- Community
-
More
Want a personalized experience?
Download the free app
Austin Babies
The D-Word: Attorney Recs
Short story: I need divorce attorney recommendations.
Long story: Please, please, please tell me if you read this and think I'm making the wrong decision. If there's still a chance, and I'm just having a hard time seeing past this bump, I'd love to hear it.
I'm a regular, and this is a thinly veiled mask at hiding my identity. Not really because I don't want you all to know who I am, but because I don't want this tied back to me in case the divorce happens.
My husband is an alcoholic. We drank a lot before we had a baby, and I thought we were just young, childless people having a good time. However, since our child was born he's spun out of control and I can see if for what it is. He's admitted, in his worst moments, that he has a problem. He refuses to get help.
We went to marriage counseling a few times, during which the counselor told him he was an addict, and that he needed to get help, and to man up and take care of his family. So then he refused to go back. I went by myself one time and she told me he was never going to get better, and that for my safety and my child's safety, I needed to move out. Talk about an eye opener. I didn't move out though. And then he told me I couldn't go back by myself because he didn't want me talking about him behind his back. 
He's never hit me, but he's threatened to on more than one occasion. He spends all of our money on alcohol, eating out, strippers, and I suspect occasionally drugs. He's gone usually overnight, but sometimes as long as several days. When he comes home, he tells me it's none of my business where he's been. He voluntarily cut up his debit card and was on a short leash with money in a separate account. That was his way of making himself quit drinking. Well, I found out tonight that he secretly requested another debit card and has been stealing checks out of my wallet. FWIW, my gut doesn't tell me he's having an affair (although at this point, that'd probably feel better), but I'm also not 100% positive he hasn't cheated on me while this was going on. I don't think so, but it's possible.
Now that I've told you all these horrible things ... I am positive they are all related to his drinking problems. When he's sober, he's a great father. He's a hard worker who's always had a good job. He used to be the happiest, most fun, and responsible person. I don't even recognize who he's become over the last year or so.
If he's not going to get sober, I can't keep my child in a house like this. I would stay in a heartbeat if he'd even start the path to sobriety. So should I just leave, that's that? Or should I try to support him and help him get sober?
I would love divorce attorney recs. Google is not your friend in that area; you just get a million adds. Any tips on how much money I need initially? How on earth am I going to pay for this? I think I'm at a breaking point and I need to talk to a lawyer so I know what my next step is, how much this is going to cost, what my rights are (as far as the house, he's going to fight me for it), etc...
You can email me at anonymousbumpie at gmail if you'd prefer.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: The D-Word: Attorney Recs
You need to leave. He's not going to change anytime soon. And even if he were able to quit drinking today, it would still be a very long road to recovery. An addict is always an addict. You can't make him change, he has to do this for himself.
I don't have any attorney rec's but first step is you need to get somewhere to stay. You need to separate some money for yourself, do you have a joint account? I'd empty that out and create my own account at a separate bank. Do you have family or friends you could rely on right now? Do they know what's going on?
I don't have any attorney recommendations, but I think you are making the right decision to leave. If you are really wanting to work things out, separating might provide the kick in the @ss he needs to make a change. I wouldn't count on it, but it's a possibility.
I would make sure you have some money and a place to go. Are you a SAHM or do you have a job? (You don't have to answer that.) I would start looking for a job pronto and line up child care if you haven't already. I don't know about the legality of it, but transferring some money into an account in your name only sounds like a good plan to me. You might check with someone who has more legal experience though.
Do you have family locally that you can stay with? I wouldn't do some dramatic kicking him out scene if you think he might get violent. I would leave while he was at work or something and go somewhere else.
If you think he presents a danger to you or your child (and it sounds like he might), I would not let him take the baby by himself. Do you trust his parents? Perhaps you can ask them to be present for any visitation.
Good luck!
I do work, thankfully. I just checked our bank account, and he's spent $895 tonight at a strip club. I will be taking anything I can out of the account tomorrow and putting it somewhere else. Although, I'm sure at this point I won't be able to pay our bills.
Ohmygod, I think this has just pushed me over the edge. I'm fuming right now.
I don't want to leave the house, because I want the house. However, I don't think I can afford it on my own, and he'll probably fight me for it anyways. I can stay with my parents. No, I don't trust his family. The alcoholism is genetic and his family is worse than he is.
Also, thank you for the personal emails. I really appreciate those who contacted me.
Do you ever feel like, "Is this my life? Is this really happening?"
"The House We Built."
A journey of building the dream.
"The House We Built."
A journey of building the dream.
Holy crap. This would send me over the edge. I'm so sorry, but I think you are right in thinking you need to leave now.
Oh. My. God.
I am so sorry that you're going through this.
I agree with others that you absolutely need to leave - at the very least, be separated. Wow.
I don't have any attorney recs but I just wanted to say that I agree with PP--you should get out ASAP. If there's even the possibility of violence you have to get leave for the safety of you and your child. Hopefully when some of our attorney bumpies are up they can rec someone.
I am so so sorry you're facing this. I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. You are strong. You can do this.
I'm so sorry. I don't have any additional recs or tips, but I can tell you the best thing my mother ever did was leaving my father. She was a single mom with 2u2, which must have been petrifying for her, but she taught me to never settle for a relationship that isn't healthy. I will always admire her for her strength in standing up for her right to a healthy marriage.
Many (((hugs))) and much love.
Before leaving and transferring the money out, you need to gather all financial documents (IRS returns, bank statements,etc), all your counseling records, get a copy of your childs day care records if you are the primary pick up person, get copies of his W-2 and any of his payroll records that you can. Have you written any of his threats down in a diary, blog, etc? Make copies and put it in a safe place.
I would clear out the bank account the day you leave otherwise you might push him over the edge and he might follow through on hitting you. Now, the day you tell him, I would have a mini tape recorder/recorder on your phone, etc running to capture it. More than likely he will go ballistic(sp) or he might go down the road of confessing his sins and that he will get better. Both are good to have on record. Then you can choose whether you just separate and he gets help or you file for divorce.
I would also open a seperate account at a bank that he does not know about and ASAP start diverting money there. Good luck with your decision!
Married and it feels so good!
No Attorney recs here, but just wanted to say you'll be in my thoughts and prayers. Getting out of there is definitely the best thing--addicts need to hit a rock bottom before they can start climbing their way back out of their addiction, and you leaving might be what he needs to wake up. Or not, but at least you are getting you and your child out of an awful situation.
**hugs**
I agree wholeheartedly with pps. You're making the right call.
Most of my family law connections are in Houston, but I do have an acquaintance here who practices family law. Her name is Cristi Trusler.
I would talk to a lawyer ASAP, and be careful about moving out, moving funds, etc before you do. The way the law is, sometimes those things end up screwing you over in unanticipated ways.
Lots of hugs and good luck dust sent your way!!
Whatever you do, DO NOT let him take your child. In Texas, in the absence of a court order or a signed shared parenting agreement, whoever has the child can keep him/her and the police will do nothing about it. One of my friends - and a former nestie - went through this when she and her husband split up. So make sure to ask your attorney about drafting a shared parenting agreement that the attorney can present to your husband to sign. That agreement would be in force until a formal custody agreement can be worked out.
You will also need to let your childcare provider know what's going on in case your soon to be ex shows up at daycare.
Maybe leaving will be the wake-up call he needs to finally get help.
Meredith, 6-1-06 and Alex, 11-5-09
I'm sorry I don't have any recs, but I am so sorry you are going through this. Like the others, you're making the right decision here.
I'm so sorry you're facing this. How awful. When I started reading (before I got to the whole story), I thought to myself "my advice to her will be to stay and work it out" because I believe so strongly in the vows you take when you get married, the sanctity of marriage, etc. THIS is a dealbreaker though. Absolutely leave. Your safety, your child's safety--you have to get out. Best case scenario, this will cause him to hit rock bottom, get help and the two of you can reconcile someday. If not, at least you're not allowing your child to grow up in that home. Big hugs to you.
I don't have a lot of advice or any attorney recs but pp have given you good advice. Start documenting everything. I'd definitely consult legal help before doing anything and I absolutely wouldn't allow him unsupervised time with your child.
Please let us know how we can help!
I agree with pm bride and Shan, as well as whoever it was that recommended talking to daycare. They are absolutely right about Texas law and custody, until there are papers signed, whoever physically has the child has the child and does not have to give them back.
SafePlace has groups for free that you could attend to get some support and other ideas. As for attorneys, I've had clients recommend Matthew Tiffee, I think he also does sliding scale or lawyer referral service fees. I have also heard good things about Micah Royer. Also, Beeril Amin is a woman I've worked with who has lots of experience with difficult dynamics like this. All are googleable for their contact info.
Im so sorry you are dealing with this, but glad you are reaching out for help and making plans to leave. His behavior may not ever change, but it definitely won't if you don't make a change. Please keep us posted on what we can do to help.
I have heard Minton Burton has some great family lawyers (although expensive) I'm not sure of other recs. All the previous posts have said everything I would. Let daycare know so he can't take your kid out of daycare and take off in vengeance.
You are doing the right thing-- my husband grew up with an abusive alcoholic mother. His father stayed married to her to try and help fix her. It left lasting scars on my dh and to this day he has trouble having "normal" relationships. No child should have to go through that much crap as a young kid.
Prayers and good thoughts for you.
Married October 28, 2006, TTC since March 2009 IUI #1-8 w/ clomid = BFN
IVF # 1 May, 2011 = BFP!!! Stillbirth at 26 weeks (placental failure/severe IUGR)
FET #1 February, 2012-- BFP! Beta #1=84 Beta #2= 207 Beta #3= 3,526
Our Rainbow Baby is on the Way!
Oh honey, I'm sorry. If you know me IRL, please let me know if there's anything I can do- coffee to vent, babysit so you can have adult conversations, whatever.
When my sister dealt with something similar, she left her husband on a "6 month trial" that gave both of them an opportunity for counseling and gave her a much easier response when he begged her to stay and promised to change.
I do agree with getting an attorney, though. While you are going through the process, you don't want to be responsible for any debt he may incur.
I do think leaving is the right thing to do for you and your family.
My Bio (wedding pics added 7/6)
My 101
I'm so sorry you're going through this. If it were me, I don't know how I could stay in a relationship where he refuses to get help himself.
I have a friend in family law. She recently wrote this article in Austin Woman Magazine about how you can help friends going through a divorce. Her contact info is here. Good luck getting through this awful situation.
(read it. you know you want to.)
anderson . september 2008
vivian . february 2010
mabel . august 2012
Ditto FCB - if you know me (even remotely) IRL please don't hesitate to reach out if you need anything. I'm really sorry you're having to go through this...I wish you and your DC the best. I can't even begin to imagine how difficult this must be for you.
{{ hugs }}
I also just through of this... there was a nestie who had to change her nest name as her ex was stalking her on here and in real life. Make sure that you get all your ducks in a row before making the final move.
Good luck!
Married and it feels so good!
I could have written this same post with my ex-H. I am SO sorry you are going through this. I don't have any recs off the top of my head, but I was in the legal field in Austin so I can definitely get some for you.
My ex said the EXACT same thing to me about counseling. That the counselor and I were "conspiring" against him and that he would not allow me to go see her anymore. If and when you do decide to see a counselor again, I HIGHLY recommend Chris Thurman. He counseled me through some residual abuse stuff from my ex-H and worked with another friend of mine who was in an abusive marriage. And make no mistake, just because your H is a nice guy when he is sober, the things he does when he is drunk are abuse.
I hate to say he will never change, but his behavior and the fact that he can justify what he's doing means he will not change anytime soon. 
Do you have family or friends close by that you can stay with? I ended up moving in with my parents for my safety. Expect that your H WILL go ballistic when he finds you've filed. Take what you need for you and your child and have it ready to go the day he is served. I didn't have any money (my ex stole from our checking account, too). My lawyer was willing to let me do payment plans. Obviously, with the situation you're in, the most important thing is getting out and protecting yourself and your child. I wish we still lived in town because you would have been welcome at my house in a heartbeat.
If you want to email more (and I am totally serious about this since I have been in the almost verbatim situation), please email thethomps at gmail.
As a recovering alcoholic myself, I still say leave
Nobody could ever help me see my drinking for what it was. Thank GOD I never hit rock bottom before seeing that drinking was ruining my life but it certainly sounds like he has and he still doesn't care or notice he's there.
I hope you have all the love and support you need IRL and that the ladies here have good advice how to protect yourself and your LO and get you a fair divorce. I agree - document the HELL out of everything you can from the past and going forward. Times, dates, dollars.
Even if you have never been hit, make certain you have a place to go, people to call and check on you. Try to put aside even just a little cash and keep a full tank of gas. Put a change of clothes for you and LO in your car, birth certificates/SS card iin an easy place and be ready to leave everything else behind if you feel for one moment your safety is at stake. Do not hesitiate to call 911 at the first sign of danger. I cannot stress this all enough. The first time a man hits you can be the last time. Especially once he sees that he's really screwed up and will try to hide it.
ditto. Good luck. You'll be in my thoughts.
*101 Blog*foodie blog*scrapbooking blog*
WOW. $900? I'd be so pissed. That alone would have me reeling. I think you should leave, just to keep you and the baby safe until you can decide what to do next or until he gets his sh!t together. And talk to a lawyer ASAP, for sure. Keep everything documented, if you can record conversations somehow, do that too.
I don't have any lawyer recs, but I'm so sorry he's putting you and your child in this position. ((hugs))
and ditto pp, if we know each other, you are more than welcome to stay here, and let me know if you need anything.
I'm so sorry for all your going through and think you have gotten good advice.
If you are interested in salvaging this marriage...(and I certainly wouldn't judge if not)...I do know a lot of families who have survived this (we come from a long line of alcoholics...and also a family/community where divorce is not common). Regardless, though, I think you need to leave NOW. If you want to save the marriage, and think you will be able to (someday) forgive this, you could do a separation. Friends of mine's parents separated for almost a year while the husband worked on himself - they eventually got back together (SLOWLY!) and now have a healthy, happy relationship for the past 20 or so years. Another friend of mine kicked her husband out and agreed to only see him with a meediator. They are still working on things but he has been regularly attending AA and he is back in their home. Addiction is a horrible disease...it's also treatable..although it may be too late for your marriage, and like I said, I wouldn't judge - personally I don't think I could forgive all you described.
Below is some advice from a former Austin Knottie who is an attorney (this is an email to me when I had asked some advice for a friend who was leaving an abusive relationship).
~~~
...fabulous organization called Women's Advocacy Project - now called the Texas Advocacy Project - in Austin. They give free legal advice via hotline to victims of domestic and sexual violence. I think they would be a great place to contact - if only for a jumping off point! Here is their website:
https://www.texasadvocacyproject.org/
And their Family Law Hotline is:
FAMILY LAW HOTLINE
800-777-FAIR (Statewide)
512-476-1866 (In Austin)
Legal Aid also runs free clinics for people who need free legal advice. Here is the information for their Austin clinics:
https://www.trla.org/sections/programs/clinics/index.php?page=aus
I hope that helps! She can also contact UT Law school and explain her situation to them - they might have a few other ideas!
Photo by Melissa Glynn