Decisions and Questions

LV1979

Decision: So DW and I have been talking a great deal over the last couple weeks about putting TTC on hold...again.  We have pretty much decided to pay off some more debts that we would prefer to pay off in one year vs. four (which is how long it would take if we continue TTC right now.)  We also talked about me being able to dedicate my complete attention to getting my MSW because CUA is no joke.  Plus we would get to enjoy some more time being our healthier selves and without the added pressure of caring for my sick mother for the first time in 4 years.

Questions:  We are both going to be 33 this year and are considering putting TTC off until I finish my MSW in 2014 which will have us both at 35.  We both want to carry at some point and at least 18 months apart.  Has anyone else in here conceived at 35-36 and 37-38?  We are so afraid that our fertility will take this giant nose dive and we will never get pregnant. 

This is so complicated:  We could follow our hearts and continue TTC which we want to do or we could listen to our overly logical damned brains and do what we should do.

2brides

I can't speak to TTC post 35, but I can speak to the school issue. While I think it is doable (most things are), it will be a challenge to be pregnant and in grad school. It probably wouldn't be as painful in a traditional program, but with your MSW you have to do a lot of field work, which in and or itself is nearly like a FT job. So you have "work", classes, homework..I think adding a new baby would be a challenge.

And being on the partner side of this equation, it is a challenge for both of us - her for missing family time and fun stuff and me for playing the role of a single parent much of the time.

Timing is all so complicated. Good luck with whatever you decide.

leapgirl8

It might not be helpful, but I just wanted to say that if you wait until the time when your brain is convinced that everything is just right to have a baby, you will never have one. There is always more to do for your career, more bills you could pay off, more to do for your health, more enjoying of your time together to be had - that will never change.

It would have made much more logistical sense for us to wait until next year to try, and maybe, given how crazed things are at the moment, we should have. But we were pretty much in the same boat - Jen already 33, and knowing that putting it off for her meant putting it off even longer for me - and she was at the point that she just didn't want to risk unknown changes in our fertility (and we were both ready to have kids, practical or no). No regrets (yet ).

I know there are regular contributors who would champion getting education out of the way before TTC (for good reason), and we certainly delayed things for a while for practical reasons. I'm not saying that you shouldn't delay. Just don't expect your brain to catch up to your heart, because it probably won't

Meegs10.13.06

[Dup]

Meegs10.13.06

Since 2brides covered the education thing, and Leap covered the "never a perfect time" thing, I'll just add that my mom had my brother at 37 with no problems. 35+ and pregnant doesn't have to be the end of the world.  ;-)

TaylorandMel

I'm not trying to be negative, however I do want to give an honest answer.  Working in the medical field, I know that the older a woman gets, the chances of becoming pregnant greatly decreases.  I feel that it was pretty difficulty for me to become pregnant at 31, let alone 35+.  I think it may be easier for older heterosexual couples to conceive, because they have the opportunity to have sex several times during a cycle, (and if your using frozen sperm like we did), their fresh sperm counts would be a lot higher/ live longer. 

If we were going to wait for the perfect time to have kids, it would have never happened.  Like you, I am in a graduate program with much clinical work (BSN to Family Nurse Practitioner).  T was an LPN for several years, just finished her RN degree during this pregnancy and is working on her BSN.  We will always have bills to pay, and will probably be paying off tuition loans for the next 20-30 years, but that is what it is, and we definitely did not want to pass by the opportunity of becoming parents and creating our own family.

leapgirl8

Yes, the frozen sperm and the importance and difficulty of nailing the ovulation time definitely factored into our decision to start earlier.

LV1979

Thanks for the input ladies.  We are both very conflicted in a lot of ways about this. 

We are leaning towards at least delaying around a year. I think I would feel better about our debts, DW will be finished her 2nd Master's and I will be halfway through mine.  MSW programs are pretty crazy with 15 graduate credit hours required plus between 16-24 hours of field work and I dont want to miss the first year of any child we may have.  If we wait a year it will put us at 34 ish so the age factor is a little better.  Worst case scenario we adopt which we intend on doing eventually anyway and at least we will be in a better financial position to do so.

Even if we stop TTC for now though I am still going to be hanging around I think I would miss this darn room too much.  Guess our status is heading back to PCP for the moment.  Who knows our baby clocks could start screaming so loud we change our minds in 6 months.

ball.and.chain

I don't really have anything to add to this discussion -- I agree with all who say that age does matter, but that women do get pregnant after 35, and I agree with all who say that baby + school would be hard but that there is never a perfect time.  I just wanted to say good luck and I think you have all the info you need to make the decision that is right for both of you.  We'll be happy to have you stick around while you're PCP!

Kershnic

This is a very personal decision, and it sounds like the idea of waiting is sitting well with you and your wife.  If that's what you decide to do I fully respect that and of course would love to have you stick around the board while you work on your other life goals.  

However, as someone who plans to eventually pursue more school (an MSW or a PhD in a related field) and as someone who knows several people who have earned MSWs while also working full time (not with children), I certainly don't think you should feel forced to wait.  

When I was working on my Master's and taking 12-16 credits and doing 20 hours per week of research assistantship I had more flexibility and a similar amount of free time compared to what I have now while I am employed full time in the field of social work.  Our life plan involves me continuing to work unless I am in school full time, and I honestly think it will be comparable to parent a young child while working full-time or being in school full-time.

As for debt and all the other life goals.... our conclusion for us is that they will always be there.  We will always be able to save more money, travel more, become more functional people.  We might not always be able to have children, or have our parents actively involved in their lives.