Raising a Timid/Shy kid - any resources or advice?

DavezWife

(I apologize if this is a common thread here, I've not visited this particular board whole lot lately)

My kid is her father's daughter. She'll be 4 in March. She is slow to warm up to people, and can be timid when it comes to social interactions. (goodness knows we PRACTICE our social graces, and work on things like greeting people, being polite, etc.)  While I've gotten used to this type of personality with my husband (her dad... man! he's still SOOOO SHY!) it IS foreign to me. I'm oldest, Irish, and I'll talk to a rock. lol.

She's quite tall, so she "SEEMS" older, but once she opens her mouth she's age-appropriate. (this bites her in the butt sometimes on the playground, etc. The 5-6 yr olds get her attention, and once they learn she's "free years old" they scatter.)

I noticed today that she rarely plays WITH the 2 other little girls in her pre-school. She likes them, I hear about them, but it's always THEM together, and her somewhere else. I caught the teacher after class and investigated, and she said that she's noticed it too... they all seem to "get along" and are friends, but my kid tends to just stray and do her own thing. Seems perfectly content, happy, the pair of girls don't "snub" her or anything... she's just doing her own thing.  Which I can appreciate, but wondering what I can do to encourage more social behavior? (does that make sense? I'm not trying to change her nature/personality, but I worry if she doesn't gain the confidence??? to join in, etc. she'll be an "outcast" come school time. )

Any sage words of wisdom, books you've read, etc. to at least help this momma know WHAT to worry about vs that's just how she is? There's a 100 on amazon, I'm totally overwelmed.

Again, I'm the opposite of timid, and my husband sees NO issue with being a lone wolf, lol.  I would just like to make sure my kid is happy and loved. She is a SUPER fun kid to be around; very nice temperment and personality.

thanks!

KathrynMD

I wouldn't give this too much thought/concern.  Some people are just more happy by themselves.  As long as she's not unable to engage w/ others, but mostly just chooses to play alone, I wouldnt' think its too much cause for concern.  When you do see her engage with others, encourage it and talk about it. 

DavezWife

KathrynMD:

I wouldn't give this too much thought/concern.  

Well, at the risky of sounding snarky, and I don't mean to... I AM concerned about it. And that's not really up for debate.

I don't want to change her into a social butterfly or someone that she's not. But if left to her own devices, she'd likely skip talking to another person ever. I know this, because I've been with a man for 11 years who has very few friends and social interactions, (which means we have no couple friends, and MY friendships are even affected by this....)  he runs when the doorbell rings, and grew up with some pretty painful memories from his teen/college years, because his shyness "paralyzed" him.  And he's a GREAT guy!   Because I have SUCH a different personality, (and don't "get" shyness) I kinda want some guidance with this kid.

 

KathrynMD

I'm telling you (as a shy person) that the more you worry about this, the more you will transmit that anxiety to your DD, when in her mind she's perfectly fine and dandy playing by herself.  So, then, she'll get the message that there's something "wrong" with her b/c you think that being shy is a problem, when its not, its just different and out of your comfort zone, so you're reacting to that. 

I would bet your DH's parents (or someone) were always harping on him to "make friends!" "be more outgoing" and by not doing those things.  the anxiety is from the conflict of wanting your parents approval vs. following your internal desires, kwim?

You can't change someone's basic personality, just learn to accept it.  If you think something's wrong, then have her evaluated by her pediatrician or a psychologist, etc. 

rsd12

If this is her first year in preschool, I found that to be really typical behavior. It was my son's 2nd year of preschool that he really started choosing his friends. I was really worried about my oldest since he was so shy and still can be. (Both my husband and I were shy, but not to the point you have stressed). My middle son is the one that I thought I was never going to worry about. He is happy to play by himself and prefers to do this at preschool still (but technically he is still in his first year, but when he started last spring he would not talk, and if he had to he would whisper. This year is quite a bit different but he has not formed any bonds with any other kids yet). He still plays by himself if it is a goup of kids at our house. He is just a loner ; ) but he is really happy!

futrkingsley

Hi! 

T, what did the teacher say?  And are there really one two other girls in her class?  What is she doing and what are the other's doing? 

I totally get being concerned and wanting to figure out now how best to help. These preschool years feel important from the mama perspective, at least to me.  My boy is not naturally social with other kids.  He has always been drawn most to pretty ladies more than kids and some of that held true at school too. 

C has been in school for more than a year.  Almost a year and a half.  He wasn't a joiner for a long time.  Heck it took him several months to just stop crying every day.  Then he spent months exploring the classroom, mostly solo.  Watching other kids do jobs.  Then he got interested in the teachers and what they were doing or not doing.  Somewhere along the way he started doing his own jobs and working on stuff with other kids, both inside the classroom and outside on the playground.

I had a long chat with the director about him and she really thinks that he's an observer by nature who is more comfortable watching until he feels confident.  And then once he's interested in participating, he wants to be in charge.    It's true in other aspects for him as well (his physical development followed a similar pattern) so I'm inclined to believe her.  He has pals at school now, though not a ton.  He's not at the top of anyone's birthday invite list (sad face for me), but when we drop off and pick up the kids chat him up and talk to us and such.  I don't think they would if they didn't like him or know him well enough. 

 

DavezWife

KathrynMD:

you can't change someone's basic personality, just learn to accept it.  If you think something's wrong, then have her evaluated by her pediatrician or a psychologist, etc. 

So what are you saying? You don't have any book recommendations? lol.

 

To the others: this is her 2nd year at "PMO", but this year she's the youngest of a small group with 5-8 others. Yes, 3 girls, total. (the other two happen to be a year older, and go to another preschool 2 days a week together. So their partnership makes sense.) The teacher just commented that she seems happy, is not "outcasted" in any way, and seems well-adjusted in the group.  Fine by me. But I see nothing wrong with learning how to parent and coach a child that has certain tendancies, just as my husband would need to learn how to parent an outgoing child.  If she was a mean bossy bully, I hardly think "just accept it and deal with it" is a proper way to help a parent, or the child.  

alibee09

Aw, your DD is a doll.

 

My daughter is exactly the same. She's not shy/timid, per se, but she definitely enjoys doing solo stuff and I've had similar concerns about the "in" crowd (really? they're 3? apparently middle school did a number on me) doing things together while she strays off. My concerns are sometimes made worse by the fact that the parents of these girls started to have play dates and don't include my family, meaning that these girls are more likely to continue to buddy up while we... don't? I dunno.

 

I am extraordinarily outgoing so it's hard for me to relate to, to some extent.

 

Anyway, no help, just a "hey, me too!".

hlsgrad

Some people are naturally introverted - they like alone time - that doesn't mean she wont develop close friendships and enjoy socializing.  I was a lot like your daughter and I am actually very social now (trial lawyer - talk to all different people all of the time).

My parents are both relatively shy too, but they always encouraged me to talk to people, be polite, etc. (positive reinforcement ) and I gradually became more social as i got older. I distinctly recall people in my childhood (relatives included) focusing on my shyness/etc., and that really was counter-productive and i would retreat. putting me on the spot - " go play with so and so, don't you want to play, etc." just made me feel like a spectacle and one thing I didn't outgrow was being stubborn - the more they insisted, the less likely i was going to do it

My daughter is extremely shy as well (had to be peeled off of my legs at pre-school for first few days), would hide when someone new tried to talk to her, etc. But in the past 6 months I have seen tons of progress - she is becoming much more confident  with new people.  I think the best thing I did for her was to encourage her to develop relationships slowly with one on one playdates until she was comfortable, and then i added in one more girl, etc.

I'm sure your daughter is going to be fine - as long as she's having fun that's all that matters. Now if she starts to say she feels left out, or seems sad, etc., then i would intervene, but at this point i not let her think you're concerned or disappointed that she isn't social enough (im sure you wouldn't, but i know i would have been crushed if i thought my mom was disappointed that i was shy). Good luck!

DavezWife

HLS... I agree about not showing disappointment over this - I had an aunt that would literally introduce her kid by saying "this is Susie. She's shy."  I was like, come on! Don't label the kid right out of the gate! lol.   We already do little things like grocery shop during senior citizen day, in the afternoon, and she can wear whatever nutty little girl outfit she wants... it gets her to prance around a little bit, engage with the harmless bluehairs, practice her social graces and greetings.. that's helped her alot. Praise her when I see her stepping out from my shadow a bit, etc.

hlsgrad

What you're doing is perfect - she is still very young. watch when she gets to be a big sister too, she'll probably come out of her shell even more (i mean your genes have to be in there somewhere, haha!)

my dd started being more social when her baby cousin was born - they're together every day and she now tries to talk for him, etc. because "he doesn't have any words yet." I bet it will be very empowering for Ava since there is a good age gap  (the rare blessing of IF!)

hlsgrad

Oh and on a final note, since I analyzed this to death too  - i honestly think the ability to go off and be happy and do her own thing is a huge positive and will be a strength later in life.  i would be more afraid long-term for a kid who "needs" the other kids approval, direction, etc. She knows what she likes and does it - that's great! 

I have my own criminal defense firm, which means most people don't like my clients. most of the time i am defending people that most of the community loathes.  It's not surprisingly a very male-dominated area of the law . i honestly think being able to do my own thing as a kid - the rest of the wold be damned - laid the foundation for my life and career. i wouldn't change it for anything.  So enjoy it while it lasts, my prediction is she's going to be a force to reckon with

byrne15

This sounds just like ds.

He is perfectly happy playing by himself, but he does enjoy and ask about other kids.  He talks about his one "friend" all the time and then when we do something with him, they play sepatately.

My solution is that I just get him involved in a lot of social activities.  He is in pre-school, does soccer & gymnastic.  We go to the museum a lot and other places where kids are.

Nov5Mrs.

My DD is like that, too. She's 4.5. She's gotten better with time, so that's led me to believe that it was partially an age-thing. One thing I've been trying to work with her on is prepping her for who she'll meet and what she'll do. I think that helps. Also, It sounds silly, but we've rehearsed how to introduce oneself. She also rarely responds when adults try to engage her and I've been encouraging her to "be brave" and "have courage". I've also found that empathy can go a long way. I'll say "I know it's hard to talk to people when you first meet them. Sometimes, I have trouble, too." Recently we had a talk and she sort of had a little epiphany. She said, "Sometimes when I first meet someone, I'm scared and I don't talk. But then, after I talk to them, I'm not scared anymore, because I know them."

DavezWife

Nov5Mrs.:

My DD is like that, too. She's 4.5. She's gotten better with time, so that's led me to believe that it was partially an age-thing. One thing I've been trying to work with her on is prepping her for who she'll meet and what she'll do. I think that helps. Also, It sounds silly, but we've rehearsed how to introduce oneself. She also rarely responds when adults try to engage her and I've been encouraging her to "be brave" and "have courage". I've also found that empathy can go a long way. I'll say "I know it's hard to talk to people when you first meet them. Sometimes, I have trouble, too." Recently we had a talk and she sort of had a little epiphany. She said, "Sometimes when I first meet someone, I'm scared and I don't talk. But then, after I talk to them, I'm not scared anymore, because I know them."

 

Those little red  salvation army buckets at christmas were great practice for her, lol. She had to not only learn about sharing and GIVING UP her precious pennies, but approach a variety of strangers and get near them. We talked it out in the car, and we gave mad praise when she pulled it off.... loved them.

howleyshell

I'm extroverted and only one of the 3 of mine is even remotely like me.

I'm just like my Dad.  Chat up a total stranger, know the life story of the check out lady at the grocery store, eye contact and smiles and "hi"'s to pretty much every stranger I see.  (yup... a bit o the Irish here too!)

My oldest 2 are pretty much the exact opposite and like you said - I often feel like I need a manual.  It's kinda a case of "Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus."  I sometimes feel like I don't speak their language and would appreciate some kind of book or something to help me understand and relate to them better.  

I've got unique experience as one of mine is now almost 17.  When asked how something was his patent response was:  "Gooood."  No elaboration, etc.  Not a chatty dude.  It was hard for me to relate to and originally I set out to "help" him.  It's been a process of trying to help him to the point that he's not suffering socially vs understanding that he's just different than me and doesn't NEED the same level or type of interaction that I do.  You'll find that balance.  And then you'll find out that the game has changed.  It's just like everything else in parenting - just when you feel like you're on a good path they change and have different needs!

The reality though is that there is a line where it becomes a problem in real life.  If he can't maintain eye contact during a job or college interview he's gonna have problems in life.  I don't want to make them into a "mini me" but I do want them to not be passed up for opportunities because they are socially awkward either.  It's a fine line and it's a tough conversation to have without making them feel like there's something wrong with them.  We focus a lot of our conversations of things like how others read facial expressions (or lack there of) and how other's read body language and what someone who's interviewing you for a job is looking for.

ie:  Austin is incredibly smart.  Physically he's a bump on a log.  He just doesn't have much of a physical presence if that makes any sense.  Add a lack of eye contact to that and he's bombing job interviews.  He looks like a lazy bum to a stranger.  They don't see any energy or enthusiasm in him and assume he won't do a good job for them while the truth is that he's a fast learner and a super hard worker.  We're trying to help him navigate and basically "fake" that energy level during an interview so he can get a foot in the door and then prove himself on the job.  

If you find a good book... let me know.  In the mean time my best suggestion is to work on making sure she's practicing basic social skills (which it sounds like you are).  I think sometimes it's a "fake it 'till you make it" kinda thing.  With Austin eye contact was a HUGE struggle for a while and we worked on it hard.  It comes much more naturally to him now but it took a LOT of showing him what it was like to be on the receiving end of no eye contact.  He didn't know he was doing it and honestly didn't understand how it impacts other people's responses to you. 

The other thing is that neither of my introverts are particularly smiley kids.  I HATE it when my mom points out "he just doesn't seem like a happy child."  She doesn't see all the times he's cracking up at home - just the fact that his face isn't full of emotion when she sees him most of the time vs. Jace who's wearing an ear to ear grin 24/7 just because that's who he is.   The reality is that people are and will always be more drawn to Jace than Dylan.  The good news is that personality wise that's just fine.  Jace loves the attention.  Dylan could care less.  He gets his cup filled differently so my goal is to learn what DOES fill his cup and go from there.  What really makes Ava happy?  What puts a big grin on her face?  Focus on those things and fostering her confidence there and you're gonna do just fine.

Stay the course and hang tight.  I know with Dylan I've seen some pretty big changes as he's in school longer and has more free time to interact with peers.  They're all around him with their "I don't want to be your friend any more" and "let's play football" buzz and he's figuring it all out.  The light bulbs are starting to go on.  He's not the first to join but he IS joining.  It was awkward for him at first but it's getting easier.  He's gone from standing on the side lines awkwardly at recess or playing by himself to running out the door excitedly.  He's never gonna be the kid who grabs the ball outta the ball box and yells "I'm quarterback!!  Who's on my team?" but he is becoming the kid who quietly alines himself and participates.  Better yet?  He comes home and GLOWS talking about how fun it was.

She will find a BFF that fits her personality and chances are that her BFF will expose her to other social situations.  I think only having 3 girls in the class isn't the best indicator of what she's going to be like in school long term.  I think things will change when there are more girls around her.

You'll likely need to do some role playing and lip loading if she's anything like Dylan.  

Foster relationships with the Moms of the kids that you do see her playing with.  I would never know half the play ground stuff that goes down if it wasn't for Dylan's BFF's mom who clues me in so I can talk with him about it all.  He's just not phased by that kinda stuff so he doesn't bring it up while his BFF is the most extroverted and dramatic kid at the school (go figure, huh?).  She gets the blow by blow of the playground drama nightly and fills me in so I can bring things up with Dylan and do some coaching when it seems appropriate.

It'll come.  You're a great Mom and you're gonna handle it all well.   

 

stellasam

My son is super shy too, although he is getting more and more comfortable in social situations as he gets older. I am not very shy either, anld like you my husband is more on the shy side. I recommend The Shyness Breakthrough by Bernardo Carducci- it's all about helping your kid be "successfully shy" and embracing it as a personality trait but not letting it prevent him/her from reaching goals.