WDYD when they refuse to participate?

Mrs Manners

Ds is smart, but willful. He's most resistant to writing activities at school. Many times his teacher will ask him to attempt to write a letter or color a picture and he'll say "Not today". He sits calmly while the other students complete theirs. He isn't disruptive, he just doesn't participate. Yesterday, they were doing worksheets and she was reading questions to their group. He knew all of the answers and would be the first to answer each time, but then refused to circle, draw, indicate the answer on his worksheet. Same with letters, he knows all of the letters and sounds but refuses to try to write them. Part of me is inclined to think, he turns 4 in a few weeks so I'm not worried about his writing skills as long as he has the knowledge. Another part of me feels like he should be participating because that's what his teacher is telling him to do and that's what is required of the rest of the class and you don't get to just "opt out" when you feel like it. His teacher doesn't seem to have any great ideas on how to handle it and frankly seems a little frustrated (because she knows he knows and knows he CAN do it). How would you handle this?

howleyshell

If he's close to 4 I think I'd talk to him about it.

Since it's writing-specific I'm wondering if he's got some kind of issue with writing.  Maybe at some point one of the kids made fun of his writing and he's embarrassed to get back on the horse?  Maybe a teacher gave him constructive criticism and he took it very personally?

Will he write at home with just you?

I wouldn't just let this go and wait for him to come around.  I don't want my kids thinking that it's OK to just tell a teacher "no" when they're asked to do something (even though it sounds like he's being very polite in his declining!).  This is where the "You don't have to do it perfect but I do expect you to try.  If there's a problem you can talk to me about it."  conversation happens.

I think there's something else at play here and I'd see if I could uncover why he's uncomfortable writing and go from there.  Ask directly what the teacher or other kids say about his work when he does write.

 I've got a sensitive kid and my step-son was SUPER sensitive.  He went thru a phase where he would sit and draw and suddenly burst into tears because he messed up and it wasn't perfect so he wanted to throw it away.

It's a fine line to walk with some kids but I think you may be able to make some head way if he'll talk with you about the WHY behind the refusal.

 

Pesky

Agree with howleyshel -- I would definitely talk to him about this.  I would also probably incorporate some books into your reading rotation about the importance of trying, like the Little Engine that Could and so on.  Things about the importance of finishing what you started and trying new things.  I would see what can be done about getting him re-engaged in school.  What about making it a contest?  Like who can draw the letter A the fastest.  Boys often respond to competitive pressures a lot better.  Ask him what would make these things more fun for him -- a game?  Rewards like stickers?  Is it an issue with the teacher, as in he doesn't like her (kids are quick to pick up on stuff so if she is getting frustrated with him, he is probably rebelling against her and maybe switching rooms might be the answer)?

kmhunt11

What a tough situation!  I agree with pp that he needs to learn that it's not ok to refuse to do work at school, but there is a reason why he doesn't want to do it.  You could have a talk about when you get to make choices in school and when you don't.  You can choose where you sit, and who you play with.  You can choose which toy to play with.  But somethings aren't choices.  If you have to pee, do you have a choice about it?  Using kind words isn't a choice either.  We just have to do it.  Doing work at school is the same way.  I'm pretty Montessori-minded and believe that kids and adults need to see value in the work they are doing.  If there is something that is pointless, it isn't done.  Does he feel like the work is worthless?  Maybe he needs some encouragement about why it is very important work, just like the work that Mommy or Daddy do.  My personal style as a teacher is to not jump straight to rewards, but to find a way to make the child feel good about what they're doing.  Everyone thrives on accomplishment.  Help him see the valuable work he does at school as something to be immensely proud of.  That said, if the motivation is just not coming from inside his 3 year old body, go for the extrinsic rewards- stickers, etc.  My daughter is terribly stubborn, and we did a cupcake reward one week that worked great- no getting sent out of circle all week long = a trip to the cupcake store on Friday.  We had to switch it up because the same reward did not work 2 weeks in a row.  She didn't truly stop struggling at school until she made the conscious choice to stop.  Until then it was a bit of a battle.  Good luck 

AgrippaRidesAgain

I don't really know the answer, but just wanted to say that DS also refuses to try writing and hates to color.  I'm starting to wonder if he has some fine motor skill issues that make it more difficult for him and that's why he doesn't want to do it.  

RaeAnt

Hhave you seen his writing? Could he be dyslexic?

fignewt74

Honestly, I think I would let this one go for now.  I am having a similar issue - DS knows the letters/numbers, but refuses to answer the teacher when she asks.  He will write them, but won't speak them out loud.  I was very concerned about this and even spoke to the pedi about it.  The pedi basically chuckled and said that that was a behavioral issue, so you could try bribing him if you are really desperate, but basically that he didn't see it as an issue for such a young kid at all. 

I think he is probably looking for a way to assert himself, and seeing how long he can get away with it.  Eventually I think he will decide to do it...whether its peer pressure, bribery, or he just changes his mind.  So, I think I would try to take the pressure off and just ignore it for a little while.  That is what worked for us with PT, once we took the pressure off and stopped trying to force him to do it, he decided on HIS terms, he was ready.

Good luck!

fignewt74

Also...have you tried any of the letter tracing games on the iPhone?  I think one of the hard parts about writing is holding the pencil, so this takes that out of the equation by allowing you to trace with your fingertip.  DS loves ABC Tracing...