How do you teach dealing with disappointment?

peekaboo716

At what age do the tantrums end? DS is a nightmare when he doesn't get his way. He's 5 1/2. For example, he doesn't get to sit in the chair he wants at dinner = tantrum. His tantrums usually consist of lots of tears, unreasonable comments (you let her sit there all the time, and I never get to sit where I want). Sometimes there is an inapproriate throwing of items or knocking things down. Of course, sometimes I can tell that these situations are brought about by being over-tired, and those are easier for me to deal with.

I would like to teach my son to deal well with disappointment. We all need to learn that not everything can go their way, right? So, what do you do to help them learn that?

AnnapolisLari

If he's genuinely distraught and upset, he gets snuggles and a gentle explanation.

If he's being a whiner or a brat and screaming about something, he gets the Pinkalicious line "you get what you get and you don't get upset" or perhaps "life isn't always fair". There may be a time out thrown in for good measure, ie got to your room until you can act like a civilized human being. It usually takes less than 5 min before he comes in and apologizes.

cbidt*sgirl

I label and empathize with the feeling. "I see you feel sad, angry and dissapointed.". I model appropriate expression of that feeling by remaining calm and firm. And I explain that although he feels mad he isn't getting his way it isn't okay to yell, flail his body or lay on the floor (my 5 yo go to freak out behavior). Those are my steps on a good day. On my days where I have less patience I use Lari's Pinkalicious method, but the above actually works better for my DS when i have the patience to stay calm in his presence while he's having his tantrum.

veloelle

I ask DD if that is an appropriate response to the situation, i.e. "is crying an appropriate response to not being able to eat candy before dinner?"  The answer is usually a pouty "no." But I ask her if her actions are commensurate w/ the situation. That usually stops it because she knows she's being a drama queen about it and got called out. And I also call her out on the declarative statements. No, DS does not get to sit their all the time; we both know that's not true. It's hard to argue w/ hard facts, ywim?

Raspberry807

My girls are good at reminding DS "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit"...

canhardlywait1

I also ask him to qualify his responses.  You NEVER get to xxx, I ALWAYS xxx... Is that true?  It cuts through his tantrum pretty quickly...

cbidt*sgirl

veloelle:

I ask DD if that is an appropriate response to the situation, i.e. "is crying an appropriate response to not being able to eat candy before dinner?"  The answer is usually a pouty "no." But I ask her if her actions are commensurate w/ the situation. That usually stops it because she knows she's being a drama queen about it and got called out. And I also call her out on the declarative statements. No, DS does not get to sit their all the time; we both know that's not true. It's hard to argue w/ hard facts, ywim?

oh my son would have no problem arguing with facts. He's a future lawyer, facts can be construed in any fashion that fits the cause.

jlw2505

AnnapolisLari:

If he's genuinely distraught and upset, he gets snuggles and a gentle explanation.

If he's being a whiner or a brat and screaming about something, he gets the Pinkalicious line "you get what you get and you don't get upset" or perhaps "life isn't always fair". There may be a time out thrown in for good measure, ie got to your room until you can act like a civilized human being. It usually takes less than 5 min before he comes in and apologizes.

I would say we do a lot of the above.  The "You get what you get and don't throw a fit" in used in my DD's PReK class and we use it a ton.  Depending on what is going on, we sometimes ignore the fit which typically makes it end faster.  We don't even try to address the situation during the tantrum as it is pointless.  Time out is sometimes used.  Often time we tell the girls to count to 10 or take deep breaths and then wait it out and then we try and talk through the situation - sometimes it works and sometimes not so well but we figure there is a learning curve with this and how we react plays a huge part in it.  WE are big on ignorning tantrums when we are home.  If we know the kids are way overtired, we try to snuggle but sometimes they just need to cry it out and then we can move on.

stacynikki

Gasp, Annapolis!  You called our DS a brat!  On the bump! 

I pretty much deal with DS the way Annapolis does.  But, time outs to his bedroom are pretty effective.  I also notice that DS acts that way when he really just wants some attention or is bored.  He just wants a cuddle or a conversation.  It usually corresponds with DS2 getting too much attention.

AnnapolisLari

I calls it like I sees it, ma'am. LOL

 

boosma

SFO