My mom is making me sad

bigbear

Sorry ladies, I"m such a debby downer today

So my mom lives in Cali and I haven't seen her in over a year. So obviously she has not seen me pregnant and this is the first grandchild on my side of the family. My mom and I are also close so it definitely hurts that she has not been able to be here at least for a little part of my pregnancy....

Anyway she is coming for 2 or 3 weeks after my baby girl is born to help out and see us. She is unemployed and my brother was to help her get the ticket (he has tons of frequent flier points so it's not a big deal at all).

BUT my brother is kind of an a$$ and just doesn't understand what a huge deal this is to my mom and well me too. So he keeps ignoring her. I'm due in 2 weeks and she hasn't even booked her flight yet nor does she know when/how/if she now can if he isn't going to help her out or at least tell her what is up.

So she calls me EVERY day, and texts me all the time telling me how sad she is, how much she misses me, how she wants to see me before I give birth, how she is lonely etc etc.

We've been through a lot as a family and can't get into all the details but she just doesn't understand what a burdain this is on me when she constantly tells me how unhappy she is. I tried telling her that but still nothing... So I"m constantly sad b/c she keeps reminding me of all the things that she has missed and won't see or get to share with me. I wish she would just let it go or deal with it a different way.... It's breaking my heart!!

Ok thanks for letting me vent... again

namara5532

I'm sorry you're going through this.  She may be sad, but that's not a reason to project it onto you, especially this far into the pregnancy.  I would try sending her an email (if you feel like talking to her on the phone you aren't getting your word in) saying that as much as you love her she needs to take a break telling you how sad she is.  Does she have any friends where she lives she can comiserate with?

bigbear

namara5532:

I'm sorry you're going through this.  She may be sad, but that's not a reason to project it onto you, especially this far into the pregnancy.  I would try sending her an email (if you feel like talking to her on the phone you aren't getting your word in) saying that as much as you love her she needs to take a break telling you how sad she is.  Does she have any friends where she lives she can comiserate with?

My mom is a difficult person to deal with at times. She is one of those people who like to suffer and purposely make herself think about things that make her sad, you know what I mean. She always sees herself as the victim. I've tried talking to her and emailing her so many times. She gets better for a bit and then goes back to old habits. I always tell her, why worry about things we can't change, let's focus on the good things like the fact that we get to see eachother soon. Her answer "I know BUT I want to see you NOW "

Frikkin ey!!!  Nothing is every good enough and as much as I tell her not to, she drags me right down with her UGH.

Thanks!

namara5532

As someone with depression, I can understand exactly what you're talking about.  The best thing you can do for her, however, is be straight up with her that she's doing it again and that you can't handle that right now.  As heartbreaking as it may seem, you may just have to ignore her for now so that she doesn't pull you down with her.  Even at this point, you getting depressed can negatively impact baby, and you have to watch out for your own interests.

Sorry if that seems harsh, and this is just my opinion on the situation.  Do what you feel is best, but just remember to keep your own well-being in consideration.

megaloo27

I'm sorry you are going through this. I hope your brother comes through for both of you.  My mom has been pretty bummed about not be around me. She is counting down the days until she comes down to see me. My MIL is also having a hard time. She lives alone, and now her best friends are moving away to Europe. She has already started getting very clingy and is really pushing for us to move in with her. (she lives 12 hours away) 

bigbear

namara5532:

As someone with depression, I can understand exactly what you're talking about.  The best thing you can do for her, however, is be straight up with her that she's doing it again and that you can't handle that right now.  As heartbreaking as it may seem, you may just have to ignore her for now so that she doesn't pull you down with her.  Even at this point, you getting depressed can negatively impact baby, and you have to watch out for your own interests.

Sorry if that seems harsh, and this is just my opinion on the situation.  Do what you feel is best, but just remember to keep your own well-being in consideration.

 

No not harsh at all! I apreciate your honest opinion and input and feel that you can relate if you are dealing with depression yourself. I think that is exactly what my mom needs - tough love. And you are right, I need to take care of myself and my baby first and need to put everything else aside. DH also told me to just ignore her call when I don't feel like talking to her. I will have to do that. Thanks so much!

HopingForOne

namara5532:

As someone with depression, I can understand exactly what you're talking about.  The best thing you can do for her, however, is be straight up with her that she's doing it again and that you can't handle that right now.  As heartbreaking as it may seem, you may just have to ignore her for now so that she doesn't pull you down with her.  Even at this point, you getting depressed can negatively impact baby, and you have to watch out for your own interests.

Sorry if that seems harsh, and this is just my opinion on the situation.  Do what you feel is best, but just remember to keep your own well-being in consideration.

As someone who also suffers from depression...this would have to be the WORST thing that anyone could say to me if I was feeling down...

Edit: I should clarify...the "mom, you're going it again" part makes sense to me, but the "ignore her" part seems horrible.  If you wouldn't ignore someone with a physical problem that was tough for you to deal with, you shouldn't treat someone with a mental illness any differently.

I do think it's okay to let her know that, due to your pregnancy, extra hormones, and extra worries you may have right now, that you aren't in the best position to be as supportive as you might normally be.  But please try speaking to her before just ignoring her.