NTR Vow Renewal--Romantic or Cheesy?

pandaluvr

DH and I have been together since HS. We've been married nearly nine of those years and, assuming we outlive the zombie apocalypse that is 2012, March of 2013 is our 10-year-anniversary.

DH thinks we should renew our vows. He wants to do a big bash. I think it's a nice idea for a number of reasons. My parents think it's dumb and cheesy and we don't know anyone in our peer group together/married as long as we have been who can commiserate.

I think it's nice because A. we've been through a lot in those years and our marriage. B. we've grown and come a long way together and, while 10 years isn't 50, it's kind of a big deal considering we have friends who divorced after 2. C. we have two awesome kids and I think it would be cool to include them and have them witness that their parents love and are committed to each other and will be for a long time....

Then there's the "do over" aspect. When we got married I was 21 and still living at home. I had no idea who I was as a person. I didn't know my tastes, etc. we moved in about three months before the wedding and what did I have really? My childhood bedroom. A lot of stuffed animals.

 My mom did most of the planning. The wedding became about pleasing her and not hurting her feelings or those of my great-aunts, grandmothers, etc. the wedding was nice and beautiful but didn't really reflect who I am now. In a lot of ways it was like I was play-acting at being married. I wore a dress I didn't pick out, I had these giant fake fingernails on because I've always bit my nails but that would be unseemly for a wedding! I had a huge veil my grandmother embelished with a bunch of beads and ribbon flowers and it was way too big/gaudy to be "me." My bridal shower was 90% older adult women (grandma's, my mom's neighbor, my old boss) because I had close female friends my own age but not the huge gaggle of "besties" you see in the wedding movies. My wedding party was only two people. 

I'm not knocking getting married young. We're still married, we made it work. I said vows but they mean so much more now than they did then. We have the sickness/health, the good times/bad...real life stuff to reference ya know?

So I think it's a nice idea but don't know how "involved" I want it to be. I work in the event industry now and tossing it around with fellow vendors I have a lot of "hook ups" and we could do a full-out do-over wedding but without the wedding party--but we could book a venue, DJ, do the whole nine yards.

Or I could do an intimate ceremony with DH, the kids and I and maybe my family and have a huge party later...

What do you think? If you got an invite from a co-worker would you go or roll your eyes? If it was a friend? 

I would wear a dress but probably not a wedding dress. I'd carry flowers and there'd be some decor if we did a party--but we would NEVER register for gifts, etc. that's not what it's about.

pandaluvr

Yes! I better reserve a whole area for Bumpies!

drewiekc

Personally, I think they are cheesy and I'd roll my eyes regardless of who I got hte invite from.  BUT, it's your bash, and if it makes you happy, then go for it!  No harm in having a party, even if people do think its dumb

KoalaBear103

I see why people think they are romantic and I see why people think they are cheesy.  If I ever did a vow renewal it would be a very small private thing, probably with just me and DH. I don't like the idea of a big party. But to each their own. If you guys want one, then go for it.

Kitiara5512

I dont know. Send me an invite and I will give you my opinion after the party on whether you should have gone bigger or smaller. Lol.

I know exactly how you feel. DH and I have been married just over ten years, but with C being so young and expenses, we were not able to afford a vow renewal. DH has promised me a small handfasting, which is what I would really have preferred if DH and I weren't all about pleasing my parents at our wedding. For me, family and close friends, so maybe about 40-60 people, would have been enough, with a small reception afterwards consisting of light snacks. I dont know if that would work for you.

However, you must get cake from Charm City Cakes. Must. Because your vow renewal will have to make up for me not having one.

historychick79

I love the idea, especially if you and DH have been together that long. We've talked about doing it at our 10yr anniversary, possibly on a cruise--not so much for inviting guests, get gifts and having people pay out, but for us to stop and think about what we've accomplished as a couple and to show C how you can take time to stop and cherish your relationships. I do think of it as more family-oriented than a widescale party; but I can also see your point how in your case you'd finally have the chance to make the celebration 'yours.' If it's done right, I think it's sweet.

nealbl

DO IT DO IT DO IT!!!!!!

our 5 year is in two years. We will be confirmed to the Catholic church this Easter and after that they said they woould need to in a sense re-wed us. They said that they recognize us as a married couple but that we would need to have it done through the church. I told DH we should just put it off till 5 year anniversary if they are ok with it and do a vow renewal. Nothing to spectacular, but I want to celebrate us again. I love him soooo much and I love our lives togther I think it is fun to celebrate stuff like that.

MamaNikita

we are doing it in april in vegas.  and it will be an awesomely cheese-tastic ceremony, performed by elvis.  we had a blast at our wedding and at the time said "when we hit 10 years, we're going to do it again in vegas."  my goal was to wear my original dress since i loved it and figured i'd never have another chance to wear it again.  well now i am pregnant, but the week before i got my BFP i hit my 10 years ago wedding weight, so at least i know i could have.

it's a party, and we like to party.  the people who come will be of like mind.  those who don't, who cares?  

yes, it's cheesy, but so are we.  and we're romantic too.  it's a celebration of love, no matter what.  and i'm thrilled we'll have our little man with us (and one in the belly) this time around.

KaylaO1024

I think it's romantic, go for it!

pandaluvr

I'm not sure my hook-ups reach all the way to Baltimore for Charm City Cakes--but I'll shoot for the moon--who knows?

I may just do a private vow renewal and then a big anniversary party--that way people don't have to feel uncomfortable if they think the whole ceremony "weird" since we're already married.

Then again, 80% of our current friends didn't know us 10 years ago so they weren't there the first time so who knows?

Through my vendor buddies there's this really quirky reverend and we'd probably have him perform the ceremony--not because we're religious, just because I don't know of any of our friends I'd want to do it. I think it makes it more serious if there's a reverend involved?

I'm definitely over thinking this! My DH though is really excited. He's already calling one of our friends who's the main coordinator at one of our favorite venues. I told him not to put down a deposit yet! LOL 

JinglesChic

DH and I recently renewed our vows, and we caught a lot of crap about it. Ours though was because we were going to a bad spot for a little bit, and he was going to leave me. So because he almost broke our vows, I wanted him to say them again, and promise me forever is forever. We also wanted our new vows to convey were we are now and not only what we vow, but what we expect from the other person. People didn't understand why we were doing it, saying that now isn't the time for celebration. But we both felt that now was the best time to remember and reaffirm our promises.

 Anyway, do what you want to do, not what other people think. We originally said that we would renew our vows every 5-10 years, although I don't think I would have a major party for it until we hit 25 years or so. Our vows, just like our original ceremony, was only with two people present. To us, the only people who matter are each other, although we did have a big reception after we came back from our elopement four years ago. This time around, I got a David's Bridal $99 sale dress, a small cake, bouquet, and had the vows in the living room of our house. We then took our friends out to dinner at a nice restaurant.

pandaluvr

JinglesChic:

DH and I recently renewed our vows, and we caught a lot of crap about it. Ours though was because we were going to a bad spot for a little bit, and he was going to leave me. So because he almost broke our vows, I wanted him to say them again, and promise me forever is forever. We also wanted our new vows to convey were we are now and not only what we vow, but what we expect from the other person. People didn't understand why we were doing it, saying that now isn't the time for celebration. But we both felt that now was the best time to remember and reaffirm our promises.

 Anyway, do what you want to do, not what other people think. We originally said that we would renew our vows every 5-10 years, although I don't think I would have a major party for it until we hit 25 years or so. Our vows, just like our original ceremony, was only with two people present. To us, the only people who matter are each other, although we did have a big reception after we came back from our elopement four years ago. This time around, I got a David's Bridal $99 sale dress, a small cake, bouquet, and had the vows in the living room of our house. We then took our friends out to dinner at a nice restaurant.

 I'm sorry you and your DH went through a rough patch. I think it's a great time to renew your vows! I actually was doing some reading on sample vow-ceremonies and there are a few which include "I'm sorry I broke those vows to you, but after that we've grown stronger....etc."

This sounds like the direction I'd like to go but DH has his heart set on surrounding ourselves with lots of people and celebrating.

So I think we may combine the two. Private ceremony--the kids, DH and I (if my parents want to be there they can be) and then send out invites to an anniversary party. If DH really wants to book a DJ, venue, and party like it's 2003 we can do that but people won't feel odd if they aren't into the renewal aspect of it. 

pandaluvr

Mom2Oli:

go get your cakes from here, they look delicious!

Oh she's famous in these parts! Funnily enough, we nearly did have her do our cake in 2003--my mom was a catering/restaurant manager for a country club and most of our food hook ups came from the head chef there. They booked her for a lot of events.

She was booked for our date though. Our cake was still yummy but I can always tell which bride's book Lisa! 

TripMomma

I would do it...and hope to here in the next few years.

DH and I have been married for 5 1/2 years. Together for almost 10. We got married in a little Vegas chapel, because my younger sister...who lives there, was getting married and all our family would be in one place.

We were broke, I didn't pick out or buy my dress either...and it was just a little white dress not a wedding gown, my SIL did my hair and makeup, we had no input in what type of person married us and it ended up being very religious, which we are not, we had no reception...but did have a party with friends once we got back home to Oregon.

My sisters wedding, the day before ours, was amazing...they totally went all out. I always felt mine was piss poor in comparison. Not to mention she got divorced 3 years later...and this was her second marriage, and she is already engaged to #3 but that is another rant.

So yeah...I totally want a do over, and if we can afford it I would go fairly big.

MamaNikita

pandaluvr:

Then again, 80% of our current friends didn't know us 10 years ago so they weren't there the first time so who knows?

sorry - my bold wasn't working so i just quoted this line.  this is another big reason we are doing it.  we moved right after our honeymoon, so NONE of our NY friends were at our wedding the first time around.  we are also at an age where most people are married by now, so you don't have as many fun excuses to dress up and have a good time.  i don't see any reason not to celebrate love when you find it! 

TBLilyRose

It's not for me, personally. When I said "forever" in my original vows, I meant it and don't see the need to do them over. However, I can see why some do, especially if there have been tribulations. I'd think it would be more of a private thing with the couple, their kids, and maybe close family...I think a big ceremony/party is cheesy.

Anna&Rich

It can be either or even both, depends on how you do it.  Either way, i say do it!  If it really matters to you guys, thats really what counts.

I too have been w/my DH since HS, so together for almost 12 years, married for almost 6, and i decided that i want to make sure we celebrate the bigger milestones, even every 5 years.  So every 5 years we'll do a little something special that involves going away (even if its only for a couple days) and every 10 years we'll probably do a vow renewal, but privately.  There's some times (if not all times) in your life when you need to not question what others may think and just do what YOU want.  Have the vow renewal and have the time of your life!

NewFamily09

I think it's romantic, but only if it's done for the right reasons.  If you do it as JUST a ceremony for you and your kids, maybe your parents, than that's sweet.  If you're going to be like some people and turn into a wedding do-over and be like "look at me! look at me!" then no way.  It sounds like you aren't like that at all, thank goodness.  And whatever you do, don't buy a wedding dress.  I think it's so cheesy (and kind of AW) when these 40 year women think they should turn it into another wedding just because they want the attention and gifts again.  Michelle Duggar, I'm looking at you.  Even if someone's wedding wasn't of their dreams, it's inappropriate to throw yourself a second wedding unless you have a second hubby..  I think you should renew your vows just with your family and maybe go out to dinner together.  If you want to renew your vows to show your H how much you still love him, then that should be enough.  Although, I think a 10 year anniversary seems a little bit early to renew vows.  Don't most people do that when they've been together for a long time, like 30 or more years?

cchill01

If you can afford to throw the party....I say go for it.  I'm always for a reason to celebrate. 

pandaluvr

Yeah no, I'm not for the big ceremony--just more like if our friends want to come to that part they could....but I think I'm leaning toward private, take some pictures for us to keep and then throw a party not a reception so people don't feel obligated to buy a gift, etc.

This is one of the reasons I brought this here--I checked out the knot.com and there's a few vow renewals and a lot of them are re-buying wedding dresses and going that route. I didn't love my dress and won't re-wear it (It's so over the top and so not me) but I don't want to go out and drop another 3k on another dress either.

I also some ladies who are buying bridesmaids dresses from David's or somewhere similar--I'm still feeling that's too fancy and formal. I'm thinking just a cute dress that suits my body type and personality. One that I will be proud to be in and proud to have pictures of myself in (I have one wedding picture in my house and it's sort of out of the way). I could probably swing a $50.00 from Penney's ya know?

So I think private ceremony and then fun party and just call it an anniversary party rather than a recommitment, etc. then people will be more relaxed.

As for if 10 years is too soon... the difference between where DH and I were in our relationship then and where we are now is night and day. I feel like we lived 30 years of life in that 10 years. We've never had any "scandals" to rock the marriage--cheating, etc. but we've had so much outside pressure and craziness..you guys read the crazy in law story i posted before the holidays, That's only one a tiny portion of the crazy and how it affected us--then we had kids, moved into various houses, dealt with the economy and its *** storm, both established ourselves in our careers and figured out what we wanted to be when we grew up....we're almost completely different people. But we've grown together instead of apart and I think that's worth celebrating.

MamaNikita

just looking at previous comments, i would never think gifts would be involved in this sort of thing.  if you got an invitation to one, would you think you had to bring a gift?  i actually thought that putting the words "no gifts please" would be presuming that people expected they had to bring one, but i wouldn't think they would.

pandaluvr

MamaNikita:

just looking at previous comments, i would never think gifts would be involved in this sort of thing.  if you got an invitation to one, would you think you had to bring a gift?  i actually thought that putting the words "no gifts please" would be presuming that people expected they had to bring one, but i wouldn't think they would.

I would put "no gifts" or "your prescence is a gift" on the invite--but when discussing it with my mom and dad she was of the opinion that if we sent out invites to a "ceremony" with a "reception" after that people would assume they had to get us something.

Then I started doing research and some boards (wedding bee, etc.) were discussing having "bridal showers" because they never got to have them on the first go round.

I don't want people to see something and think "she's trying to re-do her wedding and grub for gifts and be the center of attention." Ideally if we did a bigger to-do than just my DH, kids and I for the vow renewal, I'd want people to think "wow, that's awesome, let's go watch them celebrate their relationship" rather than "so do I need to get a card? what's the protocol?"

Does that make sense? No one in our family, friends, etc. has done a vow renewal or attended one. However there have been several second marriages complete with second showers, etc. and I think that's why my mom is getting confused. 

MamaNikita

pandaluvr:

MamaNikita:

just looking at previous comments, i would never think gifts would be involved in this sort of thing.  if you got an invitation to one, would you think you had to bring a gift?  i actually thought that putting the words "no gifts please" would be presuming that people expected they had to bring one, but i wouldn't think they would.

I would put "no gifts" or "your prescence is a gift" on the invite--but when discussing it with my mom and dad she was of the opinion that if we sent out invites to a "ceremony" with a "reception" after that people would assume they had to get us something.

Then I started doing research and some boards (wedding bee, etc.) were discussing having "bridal showers" because they never got to have them on the first go round.

I don't want people to see something and think "she's trying to re-do her wedding and grub for gifts and be the center of attention." Ideally if we did a bigger to-do than just my DH, kids and I for the vow renewal, I'd want people to think "wow, that's awesome, let's go watch them celebrate their relationship" rather than "so do I need to get a card? what's the protocol?"

Does that make sense? No one in our family, friends, etc. has done a vow renewal or attended one. However there have been several second marriages complete with second showers, etc. and I think that's why my mom is getting confused. 

glad this thread is here, because we most certainly do not want any gifts.  we just figured by virtue of the fact that it's in vegas, the people who want to come will come and those who won't, won't.  i figured i'd handwrite a little note on the invitations to anyone we invite to make it feel more casual.  the only reason we're doing an invitation at all is because people don't really rsvp on facebook and we do need a headcount for food.  ours is mainly going to be friends, though we invited both our parents. 

pandaluvr

MandJS:

We had some friends do one for their 25th. That was nice, but also bittersweet (he had terminal cancer and died about 3 months later). I know a friend's brother did a SMALL ceremony for his 10 year, but they had also been having marital issues, and this was to reaffirm their feelings to one another.

10 years is a big deal, but I don't think it warrants a HUGE bash. My parents are married over 30. My ILs just celebrated 45.

I would PROBABLY go for a friend, but I would also probably give it the side eye. 

Thanks for the feedback. If we just have a private ceremony and then an "anniversary" party but it's more laid back--i.e. come to our house for music, beers and burgers would that get the sideeye? Since I have no frame of reference for this I'm open to all opinions.

We wouldn't even necessarily have to mention the vow renewal to our friends.  

pandaluvr

Mom2Oli:

Dude, stop caring about getting the side eye. Honestly, it's a feeling you and your DH have. You want to do it, do it. You want a 100 people there celebrating with you? Do it! You want a big old party? Do it! Your true friends and your family will be happy for you and should support you and have fun with you. Do the side eyeing people matter in your life decisions or sign your paycheck? No? Well, then, their opinion matters for naught, my friend.

And 10, 20, 100 years, who gives a fucck. When our parents got married, it was early and forever. I our age of waiting till later and multiple marriages I think 10 should be celebrated. I don't think I'll be alive for my 50th, and I might be senile for my 25th, so I'll be throwing a huge party on our 10th.

Now, who's my invite? 

 

That's the problem with my first wedding! I care way too much about other's input! Even stranger's!

So should I make that out to Oli's mom...and guest?