5 year old just not listening.

winery

My 5 year old boy just does whatever he wants.  He rarely listens.  He will only listen if he can see some direct benefit to him. 

Simple things like, "Take your Lego ship up to your room" gets an "I don't want to!".

Requests for him to get in the car can be held up because he wants to get a toy/finish something he was doing/dawdle some other manner because he feels that what he's doing is more important than what I'm asking him to do.

Asking him to come eat meals may be met with "In a sec, Mom!  I need to finish this.".

It's like he's 14 already.  

Is this normal?  Any advice?

shouldbworkin

I'm going to say normal since I'm dealing with it ... again.  It started at 4.5 for us bot times, so we're in the thick of it again right now.  DS at 6 is a million times better, but at 4.5-5 he was all about getting his way and ignoring me. 

We use marbles to reward good listening and discipline for bad listening.  When they get X # of marbles they get to trade them in for something they want.  I also use a lot of positive reinforcement.  I give 5 min warnings and tell them that I know they'll listen b/c they're great listeners and will do XZY when I tell them it's time to do it.  That usually works really well.  They also need a reason for everything, for example, instead of just getting upset b/c they're being pokey, I have to tell them that we're running late and I need them to hustle.  That usually helps a lot. 

Yodajo

Are there consequences?  If he doesn't take the Legos up to his room, for instance, what do you do?  I would say, "If you don't want to take them to your room, I'll be happy to take care of it for you."  and they would be taken away for a while.  My DS knows this, so he usually jumps up and takes care of it right away.  I think  it's a matter of testing you and you being consistent with consequences.

That said, I think all kids go through stages where they have great behavior for a while and then another period of being challenging.  So, he's being a normal 5 y.o. and you just have to adjust a bit to get through it.   

veloelle

Normal, but it sounds like he needs to be reminded what the rules are. Sassy or back talk gets disciplined like anything else. I ask for something to be done ONCE. beyond that if I have to ask a second or third time = concequence. That's a known quantity in our house. Some days DD is awesome, some days she's in trouble all.day for not listening, but tjose days are more and more rare. It doesn't happen much, but asking repeatedly is a huge pet peeve of mine.

AnnapolisLari

Pretty much the same here.

He may also be reacting to the new house and the chaos of the kitchen being torn apart. Not that it's the whole explanation, but it might account for some of it. He doesn't have a whole lot of control over his environment, so he's controlling what he can, if YKWIM.

Bride2b2004

Going with normal here too.  We have consequences for not listening that escalate (e.g., it is getting late and if I have to tell you again to put on your pjs, you will not have time for a story tonight).  I am thinking about positive reinforcement for unprompted good listening, but not sure if I want to reward for expected behavior... I don't want a kid who responds to a request with wondering what he will get... curious about others thoughts.

I often get "I don't want to" and I typically respond with we all do things we don't "want" to do and questions like what would we eat if I don't make dinner just because I don't want to? Hoping he will think it through and quit responding like that.

I don't think the dawdling is just thinking they are doing something more important, I think they get lost in their "work" (which is play) just like we do and need to be taught how to come out of it or reprioritize... but who am I to talk,since I have been known to miss meals and stay up all night when working on a project or reading a good book. 

karen6784

We are about consequences and choices.  DD brought 10 or so barbie dolls in the car the other day.  The rule is if you bring it in the car, it goes out at the end of the day. 

We were home and I told her to clean up the dolls.  She refused and was sassy.  I gave her the choice of cleaning up the barbies or me cleaning them up and them getting put in their quiet place for a week.  She didn't cooperate.  

The barbies are now on the top shelf of my closet.  She'll get them back on Friday.  She was mad but understood why she lost her dolls.  

They need consistency and discipline.  We have good days and bad days.

shouldbworkin

Bride2b2004:

 I am thinking about positive reinforcement for unprompted good listening, but not sure if I want to reward for expected behavior... I don't want a kid who responds to a request with wondering what he will get... curious about others thoughts.

I started the marble thing b/c I noticed I was always telling my kids what they were doing wrong and never what they were doing right.  I haven't really found that my kids do things just to earn marbles, but when they need an incentive they can be helpful.  Sometimes they ask me if they can get a marble after I've praised them for doing something well and I'm glad that they've reminded me and happy to give them one since they made a good choice on their own.  I think they're also helpful in taming the "gimmes."  I don't worry about my kids going nuts in a store when they want something anymore b/c they can chose to trade in marbles for money if they want and save up to buy what they want on their own.  It's kind of like an allowance, but starting on a smaller scale for now. 

Yodajo

shouldbworkin:

Bride2b2004:

 I am thinking about positive reinforcement for unprompted good listening, but not sure if I want to reward for expected behavior... I don't want a kid who responds to a request with wondering what he will get... curious about others thoughts.

I started the marble thing b/c I noticed I was always telling my kids what they were doing wrong and never what they were doing right.  I haven't really found that my kids do things just to earn marbles, but when they need an incentive they can be helpful.  Sometimes they ask me if they can get a marble after I've praised them for doing something well and I'm glad that they've reminded me and happy to give them one since they made a good choice on their own.  I think they're also helpful in taming the "gimmes."  I don't worry about my kids going nuts in a store when they want something anymore b/c they can chose to trade in marbles for money if they want and save up to buy what they want on their own.  It's kind of like an allowance, but starting on a smaller scale for now. 

One thing I learned that works great is to let your child "accidentally" hear you bragging about them.   So, if one of my boys had a great day at listening or with something else, I'll talk about it with my DH or mom while I know they are listening.  I pretend to try to say it secretly, which really gets their attention.   It works like a charm.  I can see a sense of pride grow on their faces and they can't stop smiling.  It's one of my favorite methods of positive reinforcement.

 

brightning

My DD is 4.5 and we've been going through the same thing. It's obnoxious. She doesn't say no so much anymore, she just does a half-*** job of everything. If I ask her to hang her clothes up, she dumps them in the bottom of her closet, etc. Or she'll simply pretend she can't hear me. We have consequences all.day.long some days. It sucks. I hate being the bad guy all day. Now I have to check everything that she does.

septemberdreams

I agree with the logical consequences.  Not cleaning up toys=toys taken away.  Not coming to the dinner table right away=getting called to the dinner table extra early and having to wait or starting without him and waiting for us to be done to have dinner (not waiting for him or stopping our meal for him).  Dawdling in the bathroom at pick up from daycare=me coming in the bathroom with him.  Dawdling after bathtime (not getting dried and dressed but still playing)=short baths. 

stacynikki

So you are saying it doesn't get better at age 5?  Lovely.

peekaboo716

I am SO glad to be reading this and the responses. It just helps me realize that DS is normal! DH and I get so frustrated with him when he decides he needs one more hot wheel car so he runs in the house to get it when we are leaving (just for the sake of example).

amiamish

stacynikki:

So you are saying it doesn't get better at age 5?  Lovely.

I was thinking the same thing. Time to get our game plan in action and hopefully nip this quickly. Lately Jake's sass and back talk have been enough to make me want to scream. And then after I yell at him I feel like shiit for losing it. ugh... For us, the "good times" are when he has time warnings before he has to do something, and he does pretty well with the threat (and follow thru) of losing video games, leappad, special toys, tv time. I was really hoping this would vanish on his 5th birthday. Oh and funny thing about the first kids acting up, I am not encouraging ds2 to learn to talk as much or as soon as I did ds1. Lol I like not hearing the back talk from him...although he does scream back a lot. Ugh, fail.