What are your thoughts on favouritism?

lovekissedmama

A recent conversation with my mom about my grandmother clearly favouring some grandchildren over others (and having a favourite son) has stayed on my mind. I can think of a few different families in which the favourite child is pretty easy to identify. I am very concious of the potential hurt and emotional damage this could cause. What if I have a favorite? What if I love one child more? I know what a sensitive and delicate subject this is which is why I am raising the topic to Internet strangers rather than friends IRL. Do you love your kids equally? Ever worry you won't? Some personalities are simply easier to love and more pleasant but does that matter when you're a mom?

leslie13510

Here's my opinion on it:  I think if you can truly say that you LOVE one child more than the others, then there's something wrong with that. 

Now, that said, there will be times that you LIKE one child more than another.  I mean it's only natural to like the child who listens and behaves and is always happy, over the one who is a constant terror day in and day out... and yes I speak from experience on this, so if someone feels the need to flame, go for it.  For me, this has always gone in phases, and usually I like them both the same, but yes I occasionally prefer to spend time with one over the other. 

And then of course you're probably going to identify more with one child over the rest, especially as they grow older.  My mom and I are really close.  We have a lot of the same interests, and like to do the same things, whereas my brothers would think it torture to go shopping, sit through certain movies, or go to the concerts and events we like to go to.  Because of this, my mom and I do more things together than they do, even though I actually live the farthest away and see her the least.  I would never go so far as to say that she loves me more though, you know?  We just have more in common. 

My parents were always (and still are) very clear about loving us equally, went out of their way to make things fair for all of us, never gave more birthday/Christmas gifts to one than the others, made equal time for all of our sporting and academic events, etc.  Because of this we all know that if Mom or Dad happen to spend more time with one child over the other now, that's not an "I love him/her more" thing, it's just two adults who have a lot in common.  

anna7602

I only have one child, but I definitely have a favorite parent. I love them both, but I don't have the same relationship with each. I imagine it might be the same way with multiple children, except that as the parent myself, I would be more in control of showing/not showing how I feel. (As the child, it's hard, since I am pretty sure I started displaying evidence of my favoritism before I was conscious that it could hurt the other parent.)

KateLouise

I'm one of four, and I can definitely identify which ones of us my parents find easiest to get along with, but like pp said some personalities are more charming than others.

I don't think any of us were favoured in that we all had equal time, resources, affection etc.

My Mum has always said things like, "all my girls are (insert trait here)" 

Having said that my parents have also openly discussed our individual strengths and weaknesses. Which never made me feel bad.

As a parent I know I'm going to struggle with how to discuss strengths and weaknesses without labelling or comparing children. I don't think it's bad to identify different traits, but I guess I don't want any child to feel I consider their strengths to be of less value than a sibling's.

ncbelle

I worry that the kids will perceive a favorite, whether one exists or not (and I can't imagine ever not loving them equally but I can see as others have said that I will "click" with one more than another at different times).  I worry about this now in terms of how Callum takes things that Eleanor "gets" right now attention wise by virtue of being a baby (of course he got those things too...).

What I'm seeing now and can imagine being more important in the future is finding a special "thing" that I share with each kid and making sure there is always one on one time as equally done as possible.  I think each kid will have something special that will make him/her my "favorite" at different moments.  But, yeah, can't ever imagine loving either less or more.

SirSleepsALot

This might sound weird but I was just thinking the other day how I could see this being more of a thing if I didn't love and adore my husband and HIS personality b/c my oldest is JUST like him.  haha.  It made me realize that my parents (who had very obvious favorites - and it was the kid who was just like them) hated each other and that was obvious as my mom was always super irritated w/ me and I am just like my dad and my dad can't stand my brother who is just like my mom.  Sad.  Another reason it's a good idea to marry someone you like. 

lanie30

My mother raised 3 children all of whom believe we are her favourite. If you asked her as a kid which child she loved more she'd tell us that she loved the dog most.

I imagine in different times/spaces/activities you have preferences.

I will always favour the child who lets me sleep the longest.

emolm

My youngest sister was clearly my mom's favorite and I was clearly my dad's favorite. The middle sister was/is always kind of on her own with things. Growing up around this is enough to sort of make me only want one child.

JoannaJes

I could never say that I love one child more than the other. My heart bursts thinking about either of them. However, some kids make you work for it a little more. I have one little snuggle bug who loves to cuddle, and one little independent kiddo who doesn't care much for physical affection unless they initiate it. So I work extra hard to make sure that I show physical affection to both, even though its so much easier with one of them. If I weren't aware of the differences, it definitely could morph into a relationship where I feel closer to one over the other.

BrittKav

I worried about this before DD2 was born, but I can honestly say I love them both the same amount. I love them both as my daughters, but then I also love individual things about them- I love Annie's empathy. I love her curiosity. I love how smart she is. I love Hazel's sweetness. Her sense of humor. How affectionate she is. They're both different people and on any given day I identify differently with each of their qualities, positive and negative. But I am absolutely head-over-heels in love with both of them.

Bride2b2004

I have 3 young children.  I expect things might be different when dealing with teens or troubled young adults, but at least for now, I agree with Leslie and Fred.  

I love all of my children and there are really no limits on that.  However, from day to day or minute to minute, I might like or be drawn to one more than another.  For example, I would usually prefer to bring my oldest with me if I take only one someplace (he is easier and more fun), but I typically take the baby for the simple reason that I EBF and I am never sure a feeding won't be needed.  Even simple things like that could be seen as favoritism and, though DS2 is pretty unaware and doesn't remember from day to day, I try to work out something for DS2 (even though it isn't easy) so he gets his time and so DS1 (who does understand) expects it (and doesn't think he or DS3 is a favorite).  Not sure if that makes sense... 

Tonya_G

lanie30:

My mother raised 3 children all of whom believe we are her favourite. If you asked her as a kid which child she loved more she'd tell us that she loved the dog most.

I imagine in different times/spaces/activities you have preferences.

I will always favour the child who lets me sleep the longest.

Amen, sister.