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Attachment Parenting
BFP 02/04/2011;EDD 10/14/2011;Induced due to pre-e 09/07/2011;Jack born 09/08/2011
Falling off the AP wagon...(very long, sorry)
I'm sorry to be complaining again but as I've said before I absolutely love this board and the ladies on it. I don't know what I would've done so far without it. But, DH and I have hit a bump.
DS was doing great the week before Christmas. He let me put him down for naps, he was STTN, and was really thriving on all the sleep I know he's needed (he'd been a crappy napper before and I know it made him cranky). Well, Christmas happened and since then, he's still be sleeping pretty well at night but he won't let me put him down for naps anymore and he's even starting to get where I'm the only one who can comfort him when he gets worked up. I know this might be teething or the 4-month wakeful period (he's about 18 weeks) and is probably totally developmentally normal, but I'm starting back to working from home (just 2 hours per day/3 times a week) this week which makes it terrible timing. For 4.5 months we have held DS constantly. DH and I can't even remember the last time we were able to hug each other with both arms. We bedshare and DS has to take showers with me or he goes ballistic. I know babies this young can't be spoiled, but I don't think our marriage or our future can handle this. If I can't work starting this week and get my MA thesis finished, it's going to seriously decrease my chances of finding a job and will likely put us in a very bad place financially come the middle of this year.
Anyway, my point is that we have sacrificed everything for DS. We bedshare, he showers with me since he doesn't like to be put down in the tub, we hold him constantly, I went through severe pre-e when I had him and spent every moment I could with him for the 10 days he was in the NICU, and I'm currently on medication and getting help for PPD (which I'm pretty sure DH has too). So why do I feel like such a selfish horrible parent for wanting to put DS down for a nap? DH is getting close to the end of his rope I think in terms of us not having a single moment together (our families both live at least 1 hour away), and he wants to start sleep-training DS for naps (we aren't worried about at night right now since he does okay then and we're still okay with bedsharing). It breaks my heart to hear DS cry but I also know that it will be better for his future (and in the short-term if he gets more sleep during the day) if we can get him taking naps on his own. No one believes us that he starts crying almost literally the moment you put him down or that it's getting to the point where he has to be held certain ways (so he can look around) and can only be calmed by me.
UGH....sorry to make this so long, but I just feel awful. I don't want to let DS cry at all, but we're all losing our minds. Is there an AP way to fix this? 
BFP 02/04/2011;EDD 10/14/2011;Induced due to pre-e 09/07/2011;Jack born 09/08/2011
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Falling off the AP wagon...(very long, sorry)
For the record, I completely agree with this and have been telling DH the same thing. I just feel like I'm losing my mind not being able to put him down for 30 seconds without him screaming bloody murder. I needed to at least vent here. Sigh...I just need to hear it will get better because it seems like it's only getting worse.
Have you ruled out any medical problems? Ear infection or reflux?
That being said, my lo was extremely needy and we felt the same way at 4 months. We joke now that we literally survived her first 6 months, because that is what it was - survival. I totally get having to hold them all.the.time. My lo hated the swing, the rocker, the carseat, the pack n play, everything except us.
Truthfully, baby wearing saved us. My dh had the ergo and I had the moby. She would nap on us or hang out when she was awake. We also drove her around for naps a lot after she settled down in her carseat.
There were times we thought we would go nuts. But it does get better. For us it was when she started crawling at six months. She became much happier.
She also had an ear infection at one point and it was miserable until we figured it out. She would scream of one of us put her down, instead of fuss then cry.
I hope this helps, at least you know you are not alone.
Have you tried the 5 S's. It's THE ONLY way we could put DS down for the first few months. I would swaddle him tightly, give him paci, lay him on his side, turn on vacuum noises on youtube, and sway to get him all calmed down. I would slowy turn him on his back in my arms all while swaying, get him into the swing and have it turned on the highest setting. And for the first few months we had to use a side to side swing, not front to back. After a few months he HATED it and had to go front to back. Yep, we ended up with 2 swings.
I could usually get 15-30 minutes of him like that. Occasionally, I got a rare 2-3 hour nap out of him.
And the bouncer seat, that was a torture device to him.
I think you have to do what you have to do to save your sanity. The first four months are all about survival. You need to both be healthy (you an DH) to be good parents.
There is nothing wrong with putting your kid down for a few minutes, even if he cries, so that you don't lose your shiit. You need to ask family or a babysitter to come up for a few hours so you guys can be normal people again. Yes, you're parents, but you're still husband and wife and regular people and it sounds like you need to get some of that back.
The pedi checked him for eczema/reflux/etc. at his last appointment and didn't see anything wrong, but he has a check up on Monday, so I'm going to have her look him over again to make sure we're not missing anything. I haven't tried the S's since DS started kicking out of his swaddle at about a month (no matter how tight I made it...kid's going to be a football kicker or something, lol), but it may be worth a try again. We have two swings but they both go front to back and he gets thoroughly annoyed by them. I think I'm going to take them to Once Upon a Child this week and try to get a side-to-side swing. I do babywear but we only have a Moby (probably going to look for an Ergo at OUC too), and DS gets mad if I do too much moving around or sitting while wearing him (he's okay when we're walking around, vacuuming, but won't let me fold laundry, etc.).
Anyway, thanks for all of the reassurance. Our families just don't believe us (of course not, because when they are around, he's being constantly held...SIL holds him more than her own 6mo [but that's another post]), and our friends aren't really even in the same place as us.
From your badge, I see that you have had a preemie. If this is your preemie baby you are talking about I feel that you can't expect your LO to act at the same level as a full term 4 Month old.
I would say that he is probably still in his newborn phase (what Harvey Karp calls the Fourth Trimester). I would also suggest the 5S's as a previous poster did.
Plus don't forget one of the parts of AP is balance. See if you can try to slowly wean your child to other forms of soothing. Try a swing for 5 mins or a bouncie seat/infant recliner with vibration. My LO would only sleep in a infant recliner with the vibration setting on. It really helped him relax and also helped with his reflux and gasiness.
I also let him suck on a paci when he is sleepy.I couldn't comfort nurse him as an infant because my nipples were torn up from a shallow latch. I am kinda glad I had that excuse because otherwise I would beat myself up for giving him a paci.
It's ok to rely on these mechanical contraptions, we don't have large extended families to rely on any more and as long as you provide a majority of the snuggles a little 'cheating' is no big deal IMO. ESPECIALLY if it helps you get more rest.
I totally agree with PP's - use the 5S's. If you do a Youtube search for "Escape Proof Swaddle" you'll find the method that we used for DD until she was waaaaay older than your DS. If you do it right he won't be able to get out at this age. Woombies look like another good swaddling option but I've never tried them myself.
4 months is way too young to even consider sleep training, especially with a preemie. I get that you're desperate for sleep and adult time, but you guys need to find another way. Can you drive the hour each way for family? LO might sleep in the car, you guys can have some time to chat while driving, and then family can give you a couple of hours to yourselves.
If your LO prefers to be able to see when you're wearing him you might want to try a high back carry in a mei tai or a hip carry with a ring sling. Both let LO see what's going on, but also let him turn into you if he's overstimulated. Ergos are great, but his view of the world would be much more limited from low on your back or chest. Do you have an exercise/labor ball? Bouncing on one is a good way to give him the sensation of movement while you can sit on the computer or watch tv.
Lots of us have been where you are, I know it's frustrating and seems like it'll never get better. Can you give each other a good break? On one day each weekend DH would sleep on the couch and then take a few hours for himself in the morning, then the next day we'd switch. It let us feel human again. I hope things get better for you soon, and I think they will!
Hang in there, mama. Big big hugs to ya!
I just want to give you a world as beautiful as you are to me.
I think you've gotten great advice so far but I just wanted to add on the babywearing thing...
I have spent many hours working on my computer while wearing a sleeping baby and bouncing on my exercise ball - seriously, if you don't have one, get a ball! That tends to be enough motion to put most babies to sleep or at least to keep them asleep once they are there (in fact typing this now with baby sleeping on board...should be working....).
And I also second the suggestion to get something you can do a high back carry in - a woven wrap or mei tai (my siggy link has info). I couldn't live without that ability!
And just to echo what others have said - don't forget balance! Take a little you time everyday - go for a walk, run, read a book - whatever relaxes you!
Breastfeeding Counselor with Breastfeeding USA
Babywearing Guide ** Newborn Carriers
Cloth Diaper Guide
Safe Bed Sharing Info
Wait it out and be patient and realize you signed up for an infant and infants don't let you sleep all the time - it's not just a fun myth.
My oldest didn't STTN till he was 13 months old. Not a single time. It was hard but I knew it would end eventually.
YES YES YES YES YES YES! If you haven't hugged your husband in 4 months, you are not attached to anything. I can assure you. I had a child who did this and it nearly made me insane. you really need some "you" time and you may just have a little guy who is going to cry. Not "CIO' per se, but put him down, put him down.
I just want to hug you and say it really is ok to put your child down. They may cry for a few minutes but honestly? Mom's sanity matters SO much more.
This is not about STTN though. Did you read what she put down? no one signs up for not being able to put their child down for 4 months. Because that is insane.
Advice like this is so patronizing.
Thank you
Good for you!
I honestly think that if you are sacrificing your relationships and your sanity, your child is suffering more than benefitting from your philosophy. I think going to counseling to find tools to help when things get this rough is so essential.
I think almost everything has been covered - I just wanted you to know that I read your post and I feel for you. A PP mentioned the preemie thing but since that's my area I wanted to ask you a few more questions:
How premature was DS?
Have you had a PH probe done to rule out silent reflux? How did the dr determine no reflux?
What were the prem complications that kept you in NICU?
K...we'll run with those and see if it leads us anywhere
I think lanie is very wise. I didn't put my daughter down for almost five months except when she was laying in the bed next to me. Your needs matter too and so do your husband's. If you can get someone you trust to watch your LO while you guys have time together do it. I do not regret spending all that time with my daughter. I loved it. I also do not regret the fact that she learned to love her crib and that I can snuggle with my husband again. It took time and a few tears (from both of us!), but I know we are all happier. My marriage is better, I have the energy to enjoy and play with my daughter. I am not advocating CIO as your LO is still young, but learning to spend some time in the crib (or swing or PnP or RnP or whatever) in a loving manner will be good for all of you.
This is totally what I was thinking. How in the world did your doctor rule out reflux in one visit? The constant nursing, the need to stay upright...and I know in your previous posts you have talked about spitting up.
Also...you need to leave the house from time to time. Lots of parents have high needs babies. The ones that make it through okay are the ones that realize that self care is important as well.
I agree with Blindy's. AP is about BALANCE. Also, it's not all or nothing. The most important aspect of AP (IMO) is following your mommy intuition & your baby's cues instead of some book or parenting advice that feels oh-so-wrong, but is supposed to be the "right" way to do it.
And if you're posting this here, your intuition is telling you that what's going on isn't right. Yes, he's a preemie. Yes, some babies have higher needs. But your needs matter too. And you need to at least put him down to hug your husband & get a hot shower alone. You deserve that. And you know what? HE deserves that. A relaxed, refreshed mama who is feeling connected with his daddy? That's a wonderful thing.
This doesn't mean you have to let him CIO, but when you need a shower, let your DH hold him. He needs to be able to be comforted by his daddy too.
Good luck & remember, everything is a phase! It won't last forever.
I also wanted to suggest investigating silent reflux. DD had it, and it didn't seem too bad. I didn't really want to medicate her, but she was HARD those first few months. When I asked her doc about it (a doc I love, btw) she noted that it could be that, but it was really hard to say either way and that they usually don't treat unless it's severe. I pushed, and we got her on baby Zantac, which made a modest, but extraordinarily important, change in her behavior and comfort level. Well worth it! Mommys intuition is often right wboute things being off in the little ones.
I also want to ditto the recommendation for an exercise ball to bounce. While DD hated being worn (wanted uninhibited carrying), the ball was the only way e could get her to sleep for many, many months.
Another vote for investigating silent reflux or some other medical issue. There's a difference between high needs & not being able to put your baby down at all. Ari is high needs & had terrible reflux + allergies. After we started eliminating foods (just me @ first, Ari was EBF at the time) & got him on medication, he was still high needs but 95% improved. He still woke up a lot at night, but I could put him down for awhile. He would also sleep for 2-5 hour stretches, so DH & I could have some time together after he went to bed. It made all the difference in the world.
Your mommy instinct is telling you something isn't right. Maybe it's something medical, maybe not, but ITA with pp that you need to get some balance in your life.
Thanks everyone! I am going to push about the silent reflux thing at his appointment tomorrow. I love our pedi but she said it didn't sound like he had reflux; and honestly, I didn't really think he did either since he doesn't spit up much and sleeps really well on his back at night. BUT, things have been going on for awhile, so I want her to do some further investigating. Also, I'm going to try to get a side-to-side swing and an exercise ball. And, I might see if one of my friends could come over for an hour or two a few times a week to hold DS if I pay her.
Another note: DS always has a way of knowing when I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown, lol...he's been totally awesome today and was last night after DH got home. Sigh...lol.
I hope you find some answers - FWIW with silent reflux they don't really spit up that much. It's not like they're spewing and you're like, 'must have reflux!' It just rises in their chests (which is why a ph probe test is a must to rule it out) causing discomfort. Back-arching, grunting, crying, etc are some symptoms. It's very, very common for preemies to have it.
He's awfully young to sleep train. At four months DD was still being rocked to sleep.
Do you wear him? That can help get him to sleep and will help give you some freedom back.
He's been inside your belly longer than he's been outside, so keep that in mind when you are going nuts. DD was the SAME way and was for a long time (and I was on meds for PPD as well). There were lots of times I wanted to just let her cry, but then I'd remind myself that she needs me now and that won't always be the case. Now I put her in bed fully awake and she goes to sleep all on her own. I miss the days of rocking her and singing to her.
Have you tried letting him nap in a rock and play or bouncy? DD had reflux and hated being on her back for naps. Especially if naptime was soon after a bottle or nursing session.
Good luck!
ETA: DD had silent reflux. She NEVER spit up once. As soon as she had her first dose of meds she was like a different baby.
That's such helpful advice. She's not wanting him to STTN every night. She just needs a break. Read, comprehend, then think before you type. She never said she expected to have a baby that let her sleep all the time.
you got some great advice from the PPs, I'll just add one thing. for swaddling, it's most important that the baby's arms/upper body be tucked in...not so much their legs. my son was very long and his legs stopped fitting in his miracle blanket pretty early. someone on my local board suggested just swaddling his upper body and leaving his legs out and it still worked like a charm.
big hugs to you! I know it's hard, but you will get through this. and like some of the PPs have said, if you have to put your baby down while he's crying now and then, it's really not the end of the world. you sound like a good and very conscientious mom, he really will be fine. I promise :-)
your situation sounds a LOT like mine was at that age (but ours was not a preemie). you've gotten some great advice, and i hope you find something that works. keep in mind that it might be something medical, which would be great cuz then you might get medication that helps, but it also might not be. i was convinced my DD must have something medical wrong with her, but she was just EXTREMELY high needs as an infant. so don't be too discouraged if it turns out not to be. i can promise you it WILL get better. our first year and a half as parents was REALLY hard. i'm not gonna lie (and that included using CIO when she was older, but it didn't solve our issues). but what i have learned is that you will have tons of these ups and downs. times when you feel like you can't possibly handle it anymore, and then things get better again, and then worse, etc etc... it's like life knows when we're at the ledge and pulls us back in. parenting is tough, and for some people it's a bit tougher than others, but it's going to get better. and then even better than that! so hang in there, you're doing great, and i hope you get some relief soon!!!!
feel free to PM me if you're ever having a really bad day and just want to vent. i just know what it's like to be in your shoes and it's so hard sometimes. we're all here to help!