XP-how do you overcome the fear?

Cheekers2010

DH and I talked about having another LO earlier today.  He is really fearful of having a special needs baby (given our age).  To be honest, so am I. It's not that I doubt that we would love the baby. Its just such a daunting thought.  DH almost feels like we should leave well enough alone and not chance it.  I'm more willing to try.  So how do you overcome the fear?

I should add that our DS was a surprise (conceived when I was 35.  I am now 37). So, I've never purposefully ttc.  I'm finding that the idea is scary.  Somehow I feel like if something goes wrong that I will feel guilty that I chose to try and have another baby.

robynlesley

You are still ONLY 37. I conceived DS at 38 and delivered at 39 and the odds were still in my favor. And there never is a guarantee so you just have to go on faith. 

 Some people won't mention termination, but there are tests (CVS) that can accurately diagnose many genetic conditions but not all. A rough choice but it's available. 

And special needs children can be perfectly healthy. My son has some developmental delays (speech, gross motor and adaptive self help) and some mild sensory issues that  are being worked on with Early Intervention. So technically he is special needs but he is very smart and affectionate and typical in many ways.

 

So I say if you want a 2nd child you should go for it. You never  know what is ahead. 

skh_emj_2009

It's a big and personal decision. DH & I have discussed some similar issues... I think in the end, if one or both of you is really, truly reluctant and just doesn't feel excited by the idea -- instead feeling only stress -- then it just isn't right for you at that time.  Talking about it with one or more of your physicians could also be helpful -- if you have a good level of trust in their care/advice.  

Sometimes I feel that there's pressure to not raise an "only child" -- and I don't think that's a good reason to try to have another baby...  You can be a full and happy family of three if that's what you choose.  On the other hand, if you both get to the point where you embrace the idea of trying for another baby, then it is certainly still an option. 

I enjoy reading others' feedback about this, as it gives me some great perspectives to consider.  GL!  

vanverth

Ok, I am with Robyn.  You are only 37.  I was 40 when I found out I was pregnant with M and other than torticulis he has not had any problems.  Go for it.  We are one and done because we are old and tired (42 and 48) but if we were 5 years younger we would certainly do it again. 

BrideBuddies

I think you're letting the science of it all scare you out of something that could be wonderful.  You already have one child who is healthy.. that also plays a factor, you know.

Sure it gets riskier with age.  But that doesn't mean that if you conceive at 35 or even 40 that you WILL have a child with disabilities. 

I had C at 42 and we were told there was a 1 in 5 chance he would have Downs.  That's still an 80% chance that everything was fine.  And all thru the pregnancy, everything looked great.  Even the ultrasound tech was confident he wasn't DS.  And he's perfectly healthy and happy.

Now at 44, I am pretty reluctant to roll the dice again, but I would LOVE to get pregnant again.  Not sure I have the energy now, tho.  To me, that's probably the bigger factor.

jb2rn

Great question. I am 35 and we just had our first. I am not sure if we are "one and done" or not, and I have fertility issues...BUT I do think about this.

I think if your heart tells you you are incomplete w/o more children, then you TTC and go from there. It's a risk you take if you are 22 or 42. I don't know how else you move past the doubt.

PinkNoise123

I guess I just ignore the little voice in my head that likes to pipe up and remind me that I'm getting "old" and there are all sorts of risks the older you get. And my stepsister was 19 when she had my niece who was born with Down's, so I know the reality is that it can happen to anyone at any age.

stever

jbell0202:

I guess I just ignore the little voice in my head that likes to pipe up and remind me that I'm getting "old" and there are all sorts of risks the older you get. And my stepsister was 19 when she had my niece who was born with Down's, so I know the reality is that it can happen to anyone at any age.

All of this. And you're at the young end of over 35, so it's not like having a child with issues is a given.

Cheekers2010

Thank you for your advice.  It's nice to be told that I'm ONLY 37.  Ha ha.  

Pesky

Ditto pps.  The odds are there regardless of age.  They do go up but you are still talking the odds being VASTLY in your favor of a healthy child.  DS was born when I was 37 (almost 38) and totally healthy.  Hellion at times but healthy.

JenniferTCU

I have to tell you...I'd give up a lot to be in your spot. I am 42 (almost 43). We conceived when I was 39 and delivered at 40. He's happy, healthy, etc. I would love to have another child. My fear is not the genetic issues but being an old mom. Gosh that's so vain and sad, but honest. Full disclosure: I started botox in August and am looking forward to my second injection lol. 

Anyway, someone mentioned that if you both aren't ready, maybe it's not the right time. I know you feel the clock is ticking but perhaps next week, he will change his mind. Good luck with whatever you decide! 

Cheekers2010

JenniferTCU:

I have to tell you...I'd give up a lot to be in your spot. I am 42 (almost 43). We conceived when I was 39 and delivered at 40. He's happy, healthy, etc. I would love to have another child. My fear is not the genetic issues but being an old mom. Gosh that's so vain and sad, but honest. Full disclosure: I started botox in August and am looking forward to my second injection lol. 

Anyway, someone mentioned that if you both aren't ready, maybe it's not the right time. I know you feel the clock is ticking but perhaps next week, he will change his mind. Good luck with whatever you decide! 

That's not sad! Or vain-I think it's a legitimate fear that many of us "older" moms feel.  FWIW I still feel young at heart and I think that's what matters most in a lot of ways. Thank you!