MIL ?

austxgrl

Does anyone have a MIL who is constantly trying to prove that she knows DH better than you and/or is closer to DH than you?  I've been having a little bit of a struggle with MIL about this since we got married and I'm not sure how to handle it.  So far I've just been brushing it under the rug but it is really starting to wear on me.  Every single thing I say about DH she will have something to 'top' it with.  Or she will try to constantly make me look like I'm so terrible.  Like if I ask DH to grab the milk out of the fridge, she will reply with a big sigh and "don't worry A, I will do it."  WTH??  Do I just let it go? 

ali-1411

I'd try to let it go.  Inlaw struggles just aren't worth it.

Is this his first marriage?  Maybe mama is just afraid of losing her baby boy?  Play along, pretend like of course she knows him better than you.  Humor her, maybe?  Ask her how to make his favorite meal or something?  

Nessia

ali-1411:

I'd try to let it go.  Inlaw struggles just aren't worth it.

Is this his first marriage?  Maybe mama is just afraid of losing her baby boy?  Play along, pretend like of course she knows him better than you.  Humor her, maybe?  Ask her how to make his favorite meal or something?  

I'm thinking this is what's going on.It's an adjustment for her as much as it is for you two. I think he probably will have to have a conversation with his mom eventually if it doesn't let up after a while.

rssnlvr

You could let it go. Or you could pick your battles and stand your ground when you feel she is disrespecting you. If you don't draw a line somewhere, she's going to keep doing it forever and ever and ever.

Welcome to the "My MIL bugstheshit out of me" club. :::brushes off a spot for austxgrl next to me:::

austxgrl

Nessia:

ali-1411:

I'd try to let it go.  Inlaw struggles just aren't worth it.

Is this his first marriage?  Maybe mama is just afraid of losing her baby boy?  Play along, pretend like of course she knows him better than you.  Humor her, maybe?  Ask her how to make his favorite meal or something?  

I'm thinking this is what's going on.It's an adjustment for her as much as it is for you two. I think he probably will have to have a conversation with his mom eventually if it doesn't let up after a while.

Not only is this is first marriage but she and her husband were divorced over 20 years ago and she has not dated anyone at all.  He has literally been the only man in her life for the last 20 years and she says he will be the only man in her life for forever.  She has made it very clear to me that I have taken him away from her. 

Mrs.Froggianna

austxgrl:

Nessia:

ali-1411:

I'd try to let it go.  Inlaw struggles just aren't worth it.

Is this his first marriage?  Maybe mama is just afraid of losing her baby boy?  Play along, pretend like of course she knows him better than you.  Humor her, maybe?  Ask her how to make his favorite meal or something?  

I'm thinking this is what's going on.It's an adjustment for her as much as it is for you two. I think he probably will have to have a conversation with his mom eventually if it doesn't let up after a while.

Not only is this is first marriage but she and her husband were divorced over 20 years ago and she has not dated anyone at all.  He has literally been the only man in her life for the last 20 years and she says he will be the only man in her life for forever.  She has made it very clear to me that I have taken him away from her. 

Oh good lord.  Someone needs to grow up.

However, playing devil's advocate...maybe time will help this situation.  Y'all weren't dating long in the grand scheme of things when you got married.  There's nothing wrong with that but maybe she just needs some time to get used to this new pecking order.

All that said, I agree with Rssn.  Pick & choose your battles.  Let go of the insignificant stuff, but don't be afraid to stand your ground on the big stuff.  Like, if she ever takes pots from you at Christmas.    (Not a shot at JayOK at all...I'm still marveling at the nerve of THAT mil!)

Emer

austxgrl:

Nessia:

ali-1411:

I'd try to let it go.  Inlaw struggles just aren't worth it.

Is this his first marriage?  Maybe mama is just afraid of losing her baby boy?  Play along, pretend like of course she knows him better than you.  Humor her, maybe?  Ask her how to make his favorite meal or something?  

I'm thinking this is what's going on.It's an adjustment for her as much as it is for you two. I think he probably will have to have a conversation with his mom eventually if it doesn't let up after a while.

Not only is this is first marriage but she and her husband were divorced over 20 years ago and she has not dated anyone at all.  He has literally been the only man in her life for the last 20 years and she says he will be the only man in her life for forever.  She has made it very clear to me that I have taken him away from her. 

There you have it.

 I think you should brush off what you can, stand up where you need to, and recognize her insecurity (craziness?) and work with it as best you can.  Maybe you can ask her about him when he was younger to let her show off her knowledge, but in a way that is still special for her.  Not something about how you can make his favorite dinner, but something she will feel special knowing and you can't "take away" (eyeroll).  Let her have a little "victory" in the who-knows-A-best contest and she won't try so hard to win? 

august8080

austxgrl:

Nessia:

ali-1411:

I'm thinking this is what's going on.It's an adjustment for her as much as it is for you two. I think he probably will have to have a conversation with his mom eventually if it doesn't let up after a while.

Not only is this is first marriage but she and her husband were divorced over 20 years ago and she has not dated anyone at all.  He has literally been the only man in her life for the last 20 years and she says he will be the only man in her life for forever.  She has made it very clear to me that I have taken him away from her. 

Wow. THAT is some good times right there. Well, I'll sit next to rssn to in the club she has created and you can join us. 

I don't think you want to nitpick every single thing she says that undermines you as his wife and I do hope that it will get better in time as she sees him as your husband, not just her son. 

It sounds like at some point in the future, if she doesn't shape up, he'll need to have a come to Jesus talk with her. I would expect him to stand up for you in front of her, immediately after a comment is made--not every comment, but those you or he find particularly bothersome.

You could also open it up yourself at at time when the two of you are alone and say something like, "I know this must really be an adjustment for you (us getting married, you "losing" him), just as marriage is an adjustment for us. I know that a mother-son bond is very special and I don't want to ever come between that (because in reality, you don't--she has helped shape him into the man you have committed the rest of your life to--that's no small thing) and I just want you to know how much I love your son and will always take great care of him....." or something cheesy like that. Might take her defenses down a little bit.

I'm sorry. IL issues can reallllly suck. Ours have improved in 11 years, but there's always something!

austxgrl

Great advice ladies!  Its weird becuase MIL and I were friends for several years before I ever met DH (we did not meet through MIL).  But ever since the wedding things have really changed and I guess it has kind of caught me off guard a little.  I certainly don't want to battle with her at all so I will pick and chose what is important. 

ali-1411

Emer:

austxgrl:

Nessia:

ali-1411:

I'd try to let it go.  Inlaw struggles just aren't worth it.

Is this his first marriage?  Maybe mama is just afraid of losing her baby boy?  Play along, pretend like of course she knows him better than you.  Humor her, maybe?  Ask her how to make his favorite meal or something?  

I'm thinking this is what's going on.It's an adjustment for her as much as it is for you two. I think he probably will have to have a conversation with his mom eventually if it doesn't let up after a while.

Not only is this is first marriage but she and her husband were divorced over 20 years ago and she has not dated anyone at all.  He has literally been the only man in her life for the last 20 years and she says he will be the only man in her life for forever.  She has made it very clear to me that I have taken him away from her. 

There you have it.

 I think you should brush off what you can, stand up where you need to, and recognize her insecurity (craziness?) and work with it as best you can.  Maybe you can ask her about him when he was younger to let her show off her knowledge, but in a way that is still special for her.  Not something about how you can make his favorite dinner, but something she will feel special knowing and you can't "take away" (eyeroll).  Let her have a little "victory" in the who-knows-A-best contest and she won't try so hard to win? 

This is good.  I made peace with my inlaws over the summer, I spent two hours looking at old family photos with them and letting them describe every single one.  It was actually kind of fun to see all the pictures of DH as a kid. 

Overall, is she a nice person?  If so, then it shouldn't be too hard to turn this into a good relationship.  Especially if you are willing to take some time to become close to her.  

FeistyFille

austxgrl:

Nessia:

ali-1411:

I'd try to let it go.  Inlaw struggles just aren't worth it.

Is this his first marriage?  Maybe mama is just afraid of losing her baby boy?  Play along, pretend like of course she knows him better than you.  Humor her, maybe?  Ask her how to make his favorite meal or something?  

I'm thinking this is what's going on.It's an adjustment for her as much as it is for you two. I think he probably will have to have a conversation with his mom eventually if it doesn't let up after a while.

Not only is this is first marriage but she and her husband were divorced over 20 years ago and she has not dated anyone at all.  He has literally been the only man in her life for the last 20 years and she says he will be the only man in her life for forever.  She has made it very clear to me that I have taken him away from her. 

This pretty much sounds like my MIL, and all I can say is strap in, baby. It's going to get fun.  Ugh! 

I'm sure you're all just figuring out this new family dynamic.  Hopefully when the dust settles, she'll realize that you're not the enemy.  You're not trying to replace her or shove her out.  I'm sure she's feeling very threatened right now.  The idealist in me says to brush her comments off and go the extra mile to always be inclusive to reassure her that she is still going to be an integral part of his, and your, lives.  I think it's also important that you talk to your DH about this.  Guys are just oblivious a lot of the time.  Maybe he can help smooth the transition for her while also establishing boundaries, as in letting her know that it's not ok to treat you like a 3rd wheel.  Good luck.  This part sucks, but hopefully things will calm down and she can go back to your old relationship.

AustinAggie01

Since things have changed just since the wedding, is she pissed for not being there?  I would be (potentially, in certain circumstances) upset if my child got married and I wasn't present, although I'd like to think I wouldn't take it out on my new DIL.  Maybe she wants to respect y'all's wishes to have the wedding you wanted, but she's sad and doesn't know how else to express herself.  Just a thought. 

If this is the case, maybe you could all talk it out and come up with something special where she can be included.  I don't know, some new little tradition for the 3 of you, some sort of sentimental ceremony, maybe on a significant date, maybe the sooner the better?  I originally thought about something on your anniversary, but you should keep that date for just the two of you.  Maybe something like January 15th is "MIL Day."

Good luck.  I hope she comes around sooner rather than later.

austxgrl

AustinAggie01:

Since things have changed just since the wedding, is she pissed for not being there?  I would be (potentially, in certain circumstances) upset if my child got married and I wasn't present, although I'd like to think I wouldn't take it out on my new DIL.  Maybe she wants to respect y'all's wishes to have the wedding you wanted, but she's sad and doesn't know how else to express herself.  Just a thought. 

If this is the case, maybe you could all talk it out and come up with something special where she can be included.  I don't know, some new little tradition for the 3 of you, some sort of sentimental ceremony, maybe on a significant date, maybe the sooner the better?  I originally thought about something on your anniversary, but you should keep that date for just the two of you.  Maybe something like January 15th is "MIL Day."

Good luck.  I hope she comes around sooner rather than later.

I don't think it has to do with the wedding becuase we really went out of our way to make her a part of everything else that day.  I think it is more of that all of DH's other relationships broke up and the girls went away but once we were married MIL realized that I am here to stay and I'm not going anywhere.  She is an only child and is used to always getting her way and having everything she wants so this is hard for her becuase DH takes my opinion into account too on things and she does not like that at all.  I'm going to talk to DH about it tonight and see if what his thoughts are.  I don't want to start any drama if its not worth it.

Nikison

ali-1411:

I'd try to let it go.  Inlaw struggles just aren't worth it.

Is this his first marriage?  Maybe mama is just afraid of losing her baby boy?  Play along, pretend like of course she knows him better than you.  Humor her, maybe?  Ask her how to make his favorite meal or something?  

This is a great suggestion IMO. DH is a big mama's boy also, and his favorite thing to eat is sopapillas. After many struggles with MIL she mentioned how she would make them for him since he hadn't had any in a while. I asked for her recipe when she served them (since it is his favorite thing to eat) and she gave it too me - minus a few ingredients/tricks. So, to this day she makes them better - and points it out. Which is actually fine with me because she has something over me that will keep her baby happy. It sounds dumb and childish, but it really did sort of help work out some of our issues. 

shanwalk2

My mil won't give me recipes of certain things because she wants to give him things I can't (which is crazy cause I can do allllllll sorts of things with dh that she can't).  It's obnoxious and so childish, but I try really hard to let it go. We are approaching a time where dh is going to have to have a serious discussion with her... But I try not to sweat the small stuff.  It's hard. Good luck!