cremains..

niknak1128

confession..  initially we did not choose to have our daughter's cremains returned to us.  DH still does not want them (or this is how he felt a few weeks ago, haven't asked recently because he doesn't like to talk about it). Recently got a letter from the hospital to complete and return to them regarding whether or not the cremains are returned to us.  I filled the form out.. put it in the mail today.. asked that they be returned to me.  I didn't talk to DH.  I feel HORRIBLE about this.  I just couldn't fatham having her buried with a bunch of other babies like we initially planned. I just want her to be home with her family where she was supposed to be in the first place. Am I a horrible person?  I feel SO guilty.  I filled it out last week actually and haven't mailed it until today.. I know I should tell him.. I"m scared he's going to be upset.. or maybe he won't be and just won't want to see them?  I'm not sure really. He hasn't wanted to talk at all. Our loss was in September. To me, feels like yesterday. To him, seems to be long forgotten but probably isn't. 

 

Petunia844

I'm so sorry you're having a hard time with this, it is such an awful thing to have to decide and nobody should have to.  DH and I had a really hard day around it... I was scared to go pick him up by myself, but DH was at work and I wasn't... long story short DH accidentally made me feel guilty for not wanting to go get Peyton right away, rather than leave him at the funeral home over the weekend... he didn't mean to at all, but he made me feel awful.  I lost it and decided to go get him by myself rather than be a bad mom and leave him alone without us... thank goodness my sister was able to figure out that I was scared to go alone and came with me. 

That was a super confusing and poorly told story, but the point of it was it's just a really really hard thing to even think of and it can cause stress between two people who love each other and don't know how to deal with such a wretched situation.  You know your DH, but my advice would be to explain to him exactly how you feel... know that he may be upset at first.  You don't want to have to hide what you did though, you need each other in this difficult time.

Big huge hugs, I'm so sorry you're in this spot.

Cercamom2011

I'm sorry you are going through this.  I'm sure you will find a way to tell your hubby.  FWIW, my DH didn't want to see our daughter after we said goodbye to her at the hospital.  He changed his mind and saw her at her funeral.  I was glad he did because I think he would have regretted it later on. (((HUGS)))

niknak1128

That's exactly what I'm afraid of.  I decided to hold her after she was born but DH waited in the hallway with my dad.  He wasn't ready.  We took our memory box home and I looked at it right away.  He didn't want to see it but looked at it a day later and came out  of the bedroom in tears.  It's awful. I wish no one ever had to go through things like this. It truly is unfair.

 

It's the regret thing for me.  Once you have them sent to this memorial site.. you can't get them back.. it's there and done.  I don't want to do that and wish I had them and I know myself. I know if I had let them take her there.. I would have wished I kept her home. I hope he doesn't have any regrets either.

ally2011

My husband didn't want our daughter left in our room overnight until the funeral home could come the next day initially - but ultimately he was glad we did.  I could not stand the thought of her going to the hospital morgue and I wanted to see the funeral home people take her away.  

Everyone is different.  If you need your baby's remains, you need to have them.  If it is too hard for your husband, he does not have to see them or acknowledge them.  But not getting them when you want them is the kind of thing that could cause you to have some regret and issues later, and resentment towards him.  I think you did the right thing.

If you have trouble expressing how you feel to him, try writing a letter to help him understand.  Give it to him and let him have time to process and talk when he wants.  Go for a walk to talk when he is ready, men usually talk much better and more if they are doing something else.

Hugs to you and I am so sorry for your loss.

Jenn 

Carolee

(((HUGS))) I'm sorry you're in that situation.  I'm sure that if you explain your feelings to your DH that he will understand where you're coming from.   

pottermommy

I am so sorry you had to make that decision on your own.  I have no advice but I am thinking about you.

ffsam31

I am so sorry for your loss and all the tough decisions that come along with it.  My husband and I decided to have Savannah creamated because she would always be with us.  I didnt want to have to drive to a cemetary to visit her, and I actually find myself talking to her often.  She was creamated a few days after she passed away, December 3rd, and the funeral director asked us if we wanted him to hold her til after Christmas, and we decided that we wanted her home for Christmas.  I think honesty is the best policy, and I cant tell you what you should do, but if it were me, I would deffinately tell my husband, because if he finds out, he may be hurt more.  Good luck with your decision, I know its not easy.  Hugs !