I may never forgive DH if he does this. (Long, Vent, Advice Needed)

Lhand11

He is planning to go on a golf trip to Myrtle Beach president's day weekend in February. We will have a newborn under 4 weeks at this time (haven't given birth yet so this is a guess). I think this is so selfish to leave me by myself for at least 3 days to take care of a newborn. I am not close with his mom and will not be calling her or asking her for help (like he keeps saying that I "need" to do). It is not her responsibility, he is the freaking father! 

He keeps saying bringing up the fact that lacrosse season starts March 1st (I am an assistant coach at a high school) and I will be gone everyday (in the afternoon for a couple of hours!!) for that. He keeps saying it doesn't count as a job because we don't need the money. When actually we do because I quit my full time job to be a SAHM. 

I feel constantly mad at him because of this. I have no idea if he has paid for the trip yet or not. It makes my blood boil when I think that he doesn't want to be with me and his baby and rather be golfing and getting drunk wih his buddies. I have been pretty calm when talking to him about it, but I have reached my wits end. I really may not forgive him if he goes. 

Am I over reacting? What should I do or say? Is it time to just flip out and cry? 

SoonToBeMsP

I would be upset, personally, so I don't think you're completely overreacting.

I am essentially "demanding" the first two months after the baby comes to be concentrated on her and our marriage. That doesn't mean he/I can't go out and do things (on the contrary!), but trips away are a no-no. If he wants a trip away, then he should have done it before the baby came. Thankfully my husband agrees, so he took the trips he wanted (as did I).

You could very well still be recovering 4 weeks pp (my friend was!!) and you'll need all the help you can get. 

I guess it just grates on my nerves that guys in general believe it's alright for them to leave the baby for some "guy time" yet rarely think about the repercussions for everyone else. We, as mothers, can't really do that, especially if we're BFing. (That sounded very martyr-y, but it's true)

mamacat123

I think it's frustrating that he doesn't see things from your point of view, but I also think that everyone (you included!) will need some time away from the baby.  I know my husband would like to plan a trip to Vegas with his friends in the spring, and I don't have a problem with him being gone.  HOWEVER, I did make sure to let him know that he'll be on daddy duty for me when I want to go to get drinks with my girlfriends, get a mani/pedi, or just have a few hours to myself to read in the quiet at Starbucks.

Part of being a family is supporting each other and giving a break when needed.  I think it will be stressful to be alone with a 4 week old, but if you and your husband don't start leaving the baby...you'll never leave!  I know I want to get out and about as much as possible in the beginning so I don't feel trapped at home forever.

Anyway...that's my 2 cents.  I've found that if I am upset about something, nothing anyone says will make me change my mind, so please feel how you feel and know that your feelings are totally justified

shortstuff15

Honestly, I think you are overreacting a little bit.  Sure 4 weeks is still early in the game, but unless you have a c-section (in which case I would be expecting that he cancel his trip) then you should be healed enough to care for yourself & baby for a few days. 

Will it be hard if he does go?  Yes.  Should he go? Probably not.  Will it be the end of the world if he does go?  No.

You should most definately continue to discuss this though and do share your feelings about the matter.  However, if he does end up going, I would say that it's not because he doesn't want to be with you and your baby.  Men think entirely different then women and so he probably just doesn't see if from your pregnant, hormonal, emotional (and all legitimate) perspective!

megaloo27

Maybe he doesn't really understand how much work it is to have a new born. My husband asked me yesterday "so how much work is it anyway? What will I even do?" I had to just laugh, he will find out soon enough.

lukalover

If you're not comfortable with the situation, then you're not overreacting. I would say the same if the roles were reversed and you wanted a girls' getaway. At 4 weeks there is no way I would be okay with this. I'm not saying parents should be chained to the house either. There's a big difference between going out for a night and a 3 day vacation. Maybe suggest that he has a guy's night out instead and then you can do the same when you feel up to it.

JulieLA

Sorry I may be in the minority but I think you are overreacting ... may never forgive?   It's only 3 days.  I understand it's not idea but I don't think at 4 weeks it's a big deal.  Don't underestimate yourself.  You will be fine. 

kms34

I think it's different for men.  For them, t's hard to understand what having a baby is like until the baby is here.  I will say there is no way my husband would have wanted to leave for 4 days with a one month old baby.  He would have missed DS way too much but he wouldn't have known that feeling prior to DS being born.  Does that make sense?

All in all, I dont' think you're necessarily overreacting but it wouldn't be the end of the world if he went.  I'm guessing your frustration is coming more from the "why doesn't he want to spend all of his time with us" frame of mind as opposed to the "I don't get a break so he shouldn't either" frame. 

OregonPachey

DH went on an extended bachelor party weekend when DS was 3 weeks old.  I encouraged him to go since I knew these trips would be few and far between.

If you don't want him to go, talk to him about it.  I didn't have a problem but others have differing thoughts.

Thinkerbelle80

Wow.  I would be just as furious as you.  Also, that comparison would make me twice as mad.  Work is work.  Coaching a lacrosse team is not you time or fun time AT ALL.  It's time to make money and it's work.  It is not a golf trip with your buddies.  He needs to realize that he will be making sacrifices for the rest of his entire life for his children and he better get used to it because that's what being a good parent is.  Have you told him in such strong words as you used here how  much this upsets you?  Does he know how strongly you feel or does he just not read between the lines well?  If it were me, I'd just say "you can't go.  this is ridiculous and unacceptable"  but I wouldn't say that's right for you to do.  Do you  have any other friends who are couples with kids that you could ask about this?  perhaps if others with kids that he likes and respects tell him he shouldnt go then he'll reconsider and realize it's not just his wife being mean.  

MrsAMB07

dhviel:

Honestly, I think you are overreacting a little bit.  Sure 4 weeks is still early in the game, but unless you have a c-section (in which case I would be expecting that he cancel his trip) then you should be healed enough to care for yourself & baby for a few days. 

Will it be hard if he does go?  Yes.  Should he go? Probably not.  Will it be the end of the world if he does go?  No.

You should most definately continue to discuss this though and do share your feelings about the matter.  However, if he does end up going, I would say that it's not because he doesn't want to be with you and your baby.  Men think entirely different then women and so he probably just doesn't see if from your pregnant, hormonal, emotional (and all legitimate) perspective!

This. Barring any unexpected complications (c-section, ppd, etc.) I would say it's not the end of the world like you may expect. It's not worth the tension and having him resent you for not letting him go. Maybe you can get a day or night to yourself afterwords in exchange. 

JustSomeChick

I would be upset if my DH did this too. I'd probably make him sleep on the couch lol. 

A newborn is a lot of work, it's not really fair that he would want to just leave you alone with such a young baby. Maybe he'll feel differently after the baby is born and he has had a chance to bond with him/her and can see how much work it actually is.

fyrefairie

IDK a weekend is a weekend and there are multiple perspectives.  i personally would have an issue if my DH wanted to do this so early but can see that others might not.  My bigger issue would be with the fact that this is a decision that you two should have made together and the fact that you don't even know if he has paid for it is concerning

stpaulcitygirl

I think you have a right to be concerned: That close after baby is born, it's hard to say if you'll be recovered enough to handle things alone or not.  Offering up the MIL isn't really a fair replacement for his absence.  Maybe a compromise?  Allow him to plan the trip on the basis that you can veto it if you don't feel 100% 3-4 weeks after giving birth?  Or fly in another family member/friend who can replace MIL to help you out? 

xaianjelx

This is also ASSUMING you have the child on EDD, I am guessing?  What if you go 2 weeks overdue?  Then he'd be leaving you with a 2 week old, and I'm pretty sure that would be immensely difficult for you.  I am also in the boat of feeling he's being extremely selfish.  Golf weekends can wait until both of you are more comfortable taking care of baby alone...

namara5532

You two need to communicate about this.  He shouldn't just assume that you'd be ok with it without discussing it with you.  However, a trip like that can be good for him.  You'll probably eventually want to do a girl's weekend away, and he will have to watch LO by himself then too.  Maybe 4 weeks is too soon, so the compromise would be telling him he can go but a month later than he wants.  If it really bothers you, he should be willing to listen and not go.

Kim-n-Eric

JulieLA:

Sorry I may be in the minority but I think you are overreacting ... may never forgive?   It's only 3 days.  I understand it's not idea but I don't think at 4 weeks it's a big deal.  Don't underestimate yourself.  You will be fine. 

I agree. My husband traveled often with our first LO and there would be days where I would by home by myself with baby shortly after delivery and I was ok. I think you're overreacting a little. Sure, you'll be pissed but forcing your husband to stay home every minute with you and the baby isn't healthy for anyone.

BritanyV

Add me to the "I think you are overreacting" camp (although it might be the minority). 

I have a 4 wk old right now.  I had a c-section AND a horrible recovery, my incision got infected (from the placenta being pulled through there, it was infected) and I still have an open wound that I have to go to the doctor once a week for and have home health come to my house twice a week for.  Even after all that, I'm fine for dh to leave.

Unless you had some sort of horrendous birth and really took a long time to heal, you will be fine to be alone with a 4 wk old for a few days.  You may even enjoy the alone time with your LO.   

bigbear

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. I would be upset, too. I have the feeling this whole baby thing hasn't really hit him just yet.... He probably does not realize how much work it is, or how attached he will be to this baby, too. I think for guys it takes the actual seeing their baby for it to hit home and understand that nothing else matters. He probably won't want to be any other place... But I would put my foot down and tell him that he is out of line - end of discussion.. Good luck!

Jessiree

JulieLA:

Sorry I may be in the minority but I think you are overreacting ... may never forgive?   It's only 3 days.  I understand it's not idea but I don't think at 4 weeks it's a big deal.  Don't underestimate yourself.  You will be fine. 

I agree - I think you are overreacting. You'll be fine, especially since you do have family near by that you could get help from if you need it. 

Sascha3

I also have to agree that I think it is overreacting.  Three days is not a long time, and there are many single moms, military moms and mom's whose husband's travel a lot for work that can take care of the baby for 3 days without calling in the MIL.

I am just one of those who thinks having seperate interests is healthy for marriage.  4 weeks is slightly earlier than I would want, but not early enough for me to never forgive.  If I wasn't breastfeeding, I would not want my husband to veto a short 3 day trip to see my friends or family.  I am also a mom who thinks that a short trip away from baby is fine, although I would wait longer than 4 weeks.  I know many moms would never leave their baby, but I find it healthy in moderation, so I am sure I am in the minority.

I do have a problem, however, with him booking without discussing, or comparing it to your lacrosse job.  That is not the same thing and not fair.  That would make me angry.

JWSchwarz

My husband is going on a ski trip with some old college friends that same weekend. I think it will be good for him to get away for a couple of days. I know he'll be a good dad and supportive husband so im not worried about a few days. Are you maybe feeling your husband is not being supportive because of other things and not just this golf trip? Maybe there is a bigger problem you need to address?

firegirle1

For me the issue would not be him going.  It would be him making a unilateral decision about it.  If you had discussed it and came to a mutual agreement it would be different but to just announce ?hey I am going to leave you for a few days.  Have fun with the new born.? is not okay.  He is not only deciding that he will have a fun weekend away, he is deciding that you will have no choice but to be on your own for all of those days. 

I say when he gets back you freak him out by telling him you are going away for a week.

Lhand11

I know I am being dramatic when I say I will never forgive him. I agree that time away is good for his mental health. When I go to lacrosse, as tiring as that is, is also good for my mental health. We should both not be prisoners in our own home because of this baby.  However, I still think that it is too soon.

It is a golf trip, to Myrtle Beach, 8 hours away. If something were to happen (not likely, but possible) I would want my husband, my child's father, to be the one to help out, not pawn the responsibility off on his mother. He is not in the military, he is not going for work, he is going golfing. I am lucky enough to have a husband around to raise this baby and I feel like he doesn't get that. We don't know how the delivery is going to go, or my recovery.

He said he hasn't paid for it yet, and has told the guy that he may have to back out last minute if things don't go as planned. I think he is going to end up going but I am not entirely comfortable with it yet.  We will just have to see what happens I guess...

I appreciate the reality check and the support.  Thanks everyone!

star173

Lhand11:

I know I am being dramatic when I say I will never forgive him. I agree that time away is good for his mental health. When I go to lacrosse, as tiring as that is, is also good for my mental health. We should both not be prisoners in our own home because of this baby.  However, I still think that it is too soon.

It is a golf trip, to Myrtle Beach, 8 hours away. If something were to happen (not likely, but possible) I would want my husband, my child's father, to be the one to help out, not pawn the responsibility off on his mother. He is not in the military, he is not going for work, he is going golfing. I am lucky enough to have a husband around to raise this baby and I feel like he doesn't get that. We don't know how the delivery is going to go, or my recovery.

He said he hasn't paid for it yet, and has told the guy that he may have to back out last minute if things don't go as planned. I think he is going to end up going but I am not entirely comfortable with it yet.  We will just have to see what happens I guess...

I appreciate the reality check and the support.  Thanks everyone!

I think this should be a wait and see thing. Our DD was such a dream baby, my H could've left for a week and I would've been fine. My DS- not so much. I would ask him to wait until two weeks from the trip before making a final decision- one that you should be included in. But honestly, I think you would handle it just fine, but make sure your dh makes it up to you with a great girl's day/night out when you're up for it.

(I don't know if you plan on cosleeping and/or breastfeeding, but those two things alone cut out so much nighttime work)

outlierallie

My husband is going away for 10-14 days in February for a hunting trip. Leaving me with a 4-6 week old and a 22 month old. His parents live nearby but we don't always get along. Am I frustrated, yes. I've never had a trip away by myself. But will I let it ruin things, no. Good luck.