Not sure whether this would be considered TFMR or not...

DawnMarie11

I'm not even sure how to phrase this, so if you answer please try not to get too upset about my wording. DH and I have discussed a timeline for TTC, how it will impact our careers, the weight goal I want to meet first, etc., just like most people do if they plan conception. DH and I have also decided that when we do get pregnant, we'll have an amnio or other genetic testing as soon as possible and then carefully consider the results and what to do next if we get bad news. We would probably terminate if the baby had no chance of survival.

However, I work in the mental health/mental retardation field, in a group home for adults, and we have also discussed the possibility of termination if the baby will definitely have issues that some of my clients have.

Note: One of my clients has Profound Mental Retardation, Down?s Syndrome, Emphysema, and PTSD, as well as simpler issues. He's one of my favorite people in the universe and I adore him. We have a secret handshake and I call him BFF. However, he has the PTSD because he was repeatedly raped in a different group home and couldn't express this. One of my other clients has Profound Mental Retardation, Cerebral Palsy, History of Seizure, Keratoconous, and severe Anxiety. Working with him is a constant struggle and is absolutely heartbreaking. He can't speak except to scream, he can only perform a few signs because of poor fine motor skills, he can barely see, he has little bladder control,  and his housemates hate him because he can only interact with them by touching them and screaming at them. When he eventually goes blind and his motor skill deterioration progresses a little more, he'll have no way to communicate at all. His anxiety disorder is so severe that he often refuses to leave the house or begins to scream when he gets somewhere new, so my other 2 clients have few new experiences. His younger sibling had serious adjustment issues because of the care he needs. He chews his clothes to bits, sweats profusely, and paces so much from anxiety that it can last hours and he has hurt himself this way before. Client #3 loves movies, setting the table, and repeating the same three phrases instead of admitting that he needs his hearing aids and isn't sure what you said. He has a great sense of humor.

I am very familiar with the range of possible outcomes. However, I also know from working here that horrible things can happen to children with these types of problems. Even if their parents care for them as long as they can, siblings can have lasting problems. If they end up in group homes because parents can't care for them for one reason or another, they could be horribly abused. It would be a very difficult decision.

Obviously I wouldn't tell my clients' families, my clients, or my coworkers if we did this, and I honestly think my agency would fire me if they suspected that I might ever feel that way. However, if we had to wait until after I began to show, I don't know what we would tell our families. They cover a huge range of thoughts on abortion, from my redneck Fox-loving brother to my mother who had an abortion once to my MIL and her sisters who are extremely religious.

Hypothetically, what would you say? Would you lie and say it was a miscarriage? I know my mom would get the truth, and so would her sister. Would you be semi-honest and say it was due to medical reasons? What would you say if pressed by family?

What do you think you might do in that situation, hypothetically? Or what did you do if you've actually been there?

punkrockabye

I don't think I can even answer this properly. I will never terminate a pregnancy because a child will have developmental or physical problems. I will never ship my child off to a group home. It would be my child, I would give birth to my child and take care of my child. It disgusts me, the thought of terminating a pregnancy because it would make my life easier or because my child's life would be harder than the average "perfect child."

We're not religious zealots. We're not "Fox watching rednecks." We're actually very much liberal and support a woman's right to choose what is done with her body in the event of an unwanted pregnancy. I don't particularly feel that terminating because a child isn't ideal enough is within the bounds of the right to choose, but that's not my call to make. I don't think babies are like clothing, where they can be done away with if they don't look right or they don't fit or it's the wrong color or cut. 

It is a shame how institutionalized individuals can be treated, and some of the complex issues they bring especially in adulthood due to mistreatment throughout their lives. As a parent, it will be my responsibility to protect and care for my child. 

joshandamandamay2011

I too am not sure how to answer this properly. But I work in the same field, although not in group homes, but in 1-on-1 therapy. I believe working in this field gives me a some what of an advantage if my H and I were to have a child with developmental and physical problems. I know what resources I would need to help my child and I know some commons behaviors for different types of developmental and physical problems.

I have watched many families struggle with children with d&p problems, but it's a lot of times because they just want the child to be normal and can't stand some of the behavioral problems that result. 

I don't know what you should tell your family, but ask them how they would feel to have a child with d&p problems just to see where they stand, and it may help with how to approach them.

akitagirl18

Honestly, I think you need to worry about crossing this bridge if it comes. If I understood your post correctly, you aren't even trying to conceive yet? Worrying about what you'll tell your parents/families if you terminate your future pregnancy in the event of a severe congenital anomaly, seems like you're causing yourself undue stress. Just my opinion.

patrickandkim

I'm not going to lie.  I don't even know how to begin answering this.  There are to many issues to address here.

summertimemomma

I dont understand why you need to outline and explain so much about your job for your questions...in the mental health field, regardless of whether you terminate, or have a miscarriage or whatever,  you would give very little personal information to clients/patients

DawnMarie11

punkrockabye:

I don't think I can even answer this properly. I will never terminate a pregnancy because a child will have developmental or physical problems. I will never ship my child off to a group home. It would be my child, I would give birth to my child and take care of my child. It disgusts me, the thought of terminating a pregnancy because it would make my life easier or because my child's life would be harder than the average "perfect child."

We're not religious zealots. We're not "Fox watching rednecks." We're actually very much liberal and support a woman's right to choose what is done with her body in the event of an unwanted pregnancy. I don't particularly feel that terminating because a child isn't ideal enough is within the bounds of the right to choose, but that's not my call to make. I don't think babies are like clothing, where they can be done away with if they don't look right or they don't fit or it's the wrong color or cut. 

It is a shame how institutionalized individuals can be treated, and some of the complex issues they bring especially in adulthood due to mistreatment throughout their lives. As a parent, it will be my responsibility to protect and care for my child. 

I feel the need to defend the parents of my clients here. Client #1's parents passed away. He was not "shipped off" anywhere by anyone. His little brother is taking a VERY early retirement and selling his business in 2015 when his youngest leaves for college and he will then have the time, space, and money to take Client #1 home to live with him. Right now he takes him every other weekend and on all holidays and will gradually increase this so as to not throw off the stability his brother needs. He meets all staff here and fights to make sure his brother is never hurt again and has everything he needs and wants.

Client #2's parents had to choose between raising their oldest son at home, where he became violently disruptive any time attention was given to his younger sibling, and doing what was best for their second child, who was terrified, neglected, and failing in school. I have no idea what I'd have done in their place but it looks to me like they did what they felt was best.

Client #3's father left his wife and four children because of the stress of his son's disabilities. He, I will agree, was an ass. But #3's mom cared for him until her own health issues caused her to need multiple joing replacements and to fall below the poverty line. She can't take care of him physically or financially and he'd be stuck indoors with her almost 24/7. She takes him for two days a week and the rest of the time he lives where I work, is cared for, is best friends with Client #1, and loves going to museums and playing basketball with me.

You can judge me all you want, but they are all good people, and, especially with #1's parents, do not deserve to be viewed as people who shipped their children off to avoid responsibility.

DawnMarie11

akitagirl18:

Honestly, I think you need to worry about crossing this bridge if it comes. If I understood your post correctly, you aren't even trying to conceive yet? Worrying about what you'll tell your parents/families if you terminate your future pregnancy in the event of a severe congenital anomaly, seems like you're causing yourself undue stress. Just my opinion.

You just made me laugh at myself, which is a great thing. I agree, I sound like a stressed out nut who worries a lot. Really it was just something DH and I were discussing the other day, and I wanted some outside input but obviously couldn't ask family and friends what to say to family and friends (plus, all my friends are dudes). I promise I'm not sitting around predicting awful things all day

BeckyTheEngineer

I work in mental health also, with children.  While certain tests can identify some disabilities, far more are not known until later on (like autism, and mental retardation).  Others develop later in life.  Also, the rate of false positives is alarmingly high.  I turned down genetic testing for many reasons, including this. 

It sounds like you really do want to know what you are getting into, but the truth is, you can't know how your hypothetical child will be.  You and your husband will have to decide if you are willing to take the chance of possibly having a child with special needs. 

judahsmommy1

I am pro-life, and because of that would never consider termination. However,if you do not take the position that you would never consider termination then I don't think you could even remotely begin to answer this question until you were actually in it. There are too many moving factors. If you were in the position to make this decision, what you say to your families is probably going to be very low on the list of decisions to be made. So long as you and your partner know each others values regarding the situation in general I think you're as far as you can go until you actually find yourself in that extremely difficult process.

sourapplemartini

I too don't really understand why you would terminate a pregnancy just because the child might have developmental disabilities-- even extreme ones. Perhaps your job can teach you how to better parent your child in that case. Parenting is hard even with "perfect" children, but that child is a piece of you and your husband. 

And I'm pro-choice. 

Bea30

This is a decision for you and your husband alone. I think it is great that you have already considered all these risks and how you feel about dealing with them. Sometimes couples get pregnant and find out later they disagree on this specific choice, which can cause a lot of stress and problems in their marriage. 

It is good to have your "ducks in a row". My DH and I have also decided if tests came back positive to terminate. It is what is best for us. We also have family members who will not agree with this decision and if things come to it we will tell them we miscarried. However this is a decision that is not lightly made and regardless will be traumatic. It is great that you will be able to tell your mom the truth, because you will need support.

Try not to worry about this. Have fun TTC.

DawnMarie11

Bea30:

This is a decision for you and your husband alone. I think it is great that you have already considered all these risks and how you feel about dealing with them. Sometimes couples get pregnant and find out later they disagree on this specific choice, which can cause a lot of stress and problems in their marriage. 

It is good to have your "ducks in a row". My DH and I have also decided if tests came back positive to terminate. It is what is best for us. We also have family members who will not agree with this decision and if things come to it we will tell them we miscarried. However this is a decision that is not lightly made and regardless will be traumatic. It is great that you will be able to tell your mom the truth, because you will need support.

Try not to worry about this. Have fun TTC.

Thank you for your response It was nice to hear from someone who feels the same way about this