F/U to the lazy husband FFFC where I got flamed... :o) (long)
I know that I've been posting too much information lately and that's another new years resolution... be more of a listener and less of a talker, lol. But I did want to give you guys props, one more time, for flaming me for allowing myself to be used/walked on.
Anyways, so we had a long talk last night about how since neither of us work now, it had to be a 50/50 gig, including house baby and our guys. I asked him why he thought I would be responsible for everything, just b/c I had a vag? And that it didn't make any sense, I was glad he was going to be home with me and Hadley now (kinda a lie, really want him to get a job but tried to remain positive in the conversation) but that I wouldn't be able to stay happy unless he was in this as much as I was. He totally agreed and said he would pick up his part... and to be honest I totally figured it would be like all the other times we have had this exact conversation.
Well tonight we're having around 15 people over for NYE and I'm cooking like a mad woman, cleaning on the side while taking care of Hadley... and he has been underfoot all day long! He has fed Hadley each time (which is great for both of them), kept her while I went to the store, and even changed her really-dirty diaper. In the kitchen he keeps trying to get the things that I'm using to cook with to put into the dishwasher, and even helped me clean out the junk food cabinet and refrigerator (well, he held the garbage bag...). I know this seems silly to most, but for us it's a big deal, normally he would have been on the internet.
Now... I have to chill out and let him help more. For 10 years I've done almost everything.. and I mean everything. He was in my way in the kitchen, and I wanted to do the things for Hadley that he was doing (besides taking her to the grocery store, that was nice). It will definitely take a time for adjustment for us both, I need to learn to accept help for sure.
Oh, and I'm NOT stupid... I don't think he changed 39 years of lazy behavior over night, this will DEFINITELY be a long term problem that we'll need to continuously work on... but it was nice to see that he was receptive to our talk, that was the best talk we've had in a long time. Yay!
Between this and joining WW today, I'm just happy as can be. What a great way to start a New Year!
Re: F/U to the lazy husband FFFC where I got flamed... :o) (long)
I am really happy you had a talk and things are improving! I find with my DH, we have this type of talk about every 3 months because he backslides into old behavior. Also, I am such a control freak that some of his not helping enough is kind of my fault. I have to let go and know he will do things his way and they may not be up to my strict standards but I need to just let it go.
Is your DH hoping to start job hunting? If he graduated the police academy will he apply to be a cop? Good luck to you both!
Honestly, I don't think you got flamed at all. We are/were just concerned for you and sometimes that means saying things you'd rather not say in order to help the person (you) see that there is another way of doing things.
I'm so happy that he was pitching in! A tip for having him help is be specific about what you want (so he's not ripping utensils out of your hand and trying to wash them when you're in the middle of using them).
Please keep posting and keeping us updated!
What a way to start the New Year, huh?!??!?!
Thanks! I really did mean "flamed" in a good way....
OK, that's good.
I honestly felt so bad yesterday that I told DH about it. I was telling him how sweet and funny you are and he said "Well, its just not right that she's being taken advantage of like that. If I could talk to her DH, I'd give him a real man-to-man talking to. He needs it!"
Haha. Well, if your DH is handing out these talks come by my house. I'm sweet and funny and sometimes taken advatage of. My DH needs a talking to about housework too!
LOL, I'll be happy to pimp out Mr. Geek!!
::packs DH's bags::
I didn't comment on the other post & lurk a lot more than I post.
I'm glad your New Year is starting off on a positive note & glad your DH pitched in. Posts like these (from all over the bump) where women have a DH who won't or doesn't help out around the house, really really makes me appreciate my super supportive & helpful DH. I don't generally have to ask him to do anything, if he sees it needs to be done he will do it. He offers to keep the boys while I get out of the house to just have some time to myself.
Every time I read a post like that, I hug my DH & tell him thank you!
Glad your talk with your DH went well! Here's to many more great talks in the new year & a lot of progress!
THanks! Tell your H I am sending my H over...
I felt the love from you guys, never felt "flamed" but just knew that I had shocked some people with the magnitude of his laziness. I'm hopeful, and realize that I have to be committed to change with us both (making him do more, me letting him do more too).
I also saw your earlier post, but it was after everything had been said. I was just thinking about you, actually. So glad your DH has agreed to pitch in!
Your WW transformation pictures are amazing, by the way. It's pretty common to backslide a little after losing so much weight; there was actually a big article about that on NYTimes.com last week. So don't feel bad about that. Good luck getting the pounds off again... I will be in the same boat as soon as my kid is born!
Thanks! I'm very hopeful and I don't really mind how yesterday went... I really do feel like it "shook me up" enough to set my foot down, so I guess it all works out. But thanks a bunch!
Awe....that's so sweet. Love it!
Hope-so glad things are looking up.
I'm yet another who didn't respond to the other post. I didn't want to further gang up on you- even though it was all from a good place (not really flaming.) From your post (and other past posts) I got the feeling that maybe (hopefully) things aren't as bad as everyone made it seem. I know, myself, I tend to complain about the negative things and not talk about the great things- here and IRL. One of my friends once came to me years ago and asked if my H (then BF) had a drinking problem. I was so confused, since he rarely drinks. We had a few weddings, holidays, etc. when he drank too much (we were recently 21 at the time) and I had vented to her about it. She assumed it was a regular occurance and she was worried. I learned that I either need to keep my mouth shut or blabber on about the good stuff just as much!
Anyway, what i'm getting at is- I'm sure your (lazy) husband has many great qualities, too. TB is just a good place to vent because we don't really know you or the people being vented about.
However, I do think you seem like a sweet girl with your head on straight, so I hope you aren't settling!! Some of the things you said did make me sad. You need to find a way to boost your confidence- you really deserve that for yourself! I'm really glad you were able to have an open conversation with H and that he seemed receptive to it. Nice way to start off the new year! Good luck with your improving partnership, your WW goals and your beautiful baby girl this year!!!
I'm proud of you! I think maybe I felt so strongly about this because growing up my parents were in no way "in love" and it really effected me. They stayed together because they did not want to rock the boat and because they thought it was best fro me. In reality I wanted them apart because it hurt me to see them so sad and fighting all the time. As a child you feel EVERYTHING is yoir fault. My mom would sometimes cry and I always thought it was me when in reality she felt trapped. Even when they pretended they loved each other I could tell it was an act. It also was bad for me to see that the were not a team and I was actually in a VERY unhealthy relationship ion high school and really thought it was normal. In other words I hope you don't feel I was to harsh because I just feel a close connection with the story of growing up with parents who are not a team, I guess I saw myself in your daughter a bit and my mom in you.
Anyways back to the point, it is a new year and people can change! Get ready for a bumpy ride and it may be worth it! He will not change overnight BUT he stepped up and is trying, I think that proves he loves you and that you do love him ...it may be a long road but maybe you to just need to fall in love all over again and take some more time to rekindle that. Him helping out and you speaking up is a huge step for BOTH of you.
And for the record I think I responded the most to the fact that you said you loved everyone in your life so you would just deal with him so you would not rock the boat. I REALLY hope you to work on that part as well. Could you go on some date nights or a weekend away? I think you to could maybe use some counseling BUT most of all I think you need to get to know him again and "fall in love all over again" if you will. If he is willing to step up and REALLY change long term and you can KNOW you are worth it then I think it is defiantly possible for you to wake up one day in the future and feel he is one of the best parts of your life
Good luck and smile! that was a great start to a new year