hate feeling like this...
We have been on a really tough road with our DS. Today is day 140 that my son is in the NICU..which is double the stay of my DD. He has had 3 surgeries (possibly having a 4th soon), basically almost died a few weeks ago and has just had a really tough time. Sometimes i see other babies in the NICU who were born earlier or much smaller doing well and I feel jealous and like wish that we could trade places with them. Sometimes even a twinge of anger. I hate feeling like that because I obviously don't wish ill on any baby. It is just really hard that we have been in the NICU so long and seen so many people come and go, but we are still there. Ethan is the oldest/biggest baby in the NICU now. All of our friends that we have made have taken their babies home. While I am so happy for them, it always makes me a little sad when I see them leaving because we are not.
Ethan is probably going to be transferred out of the NICU to a rehab facility in the next week or two, which is great. However, he will likely be there at least another 6-8 weeks so our journey will continue.
It also doesn't help that I have my DD at home doing really well. I sometimes feel like I don't have twins. I know I have 2 babies...but they have always been separate. Aside from the NICU letting us take a Xmas picture (which was amazing!), they have never interacted. It is really hard having to split time between being home with DD and being at the hospital with DS.
Sorry, I don't know what the point of this post is. I guess I am just venting because I am feeling a little down/frustrated. I know the main thing is that Ethan is still here with us and is making progress. I just wish this nightmare would end and we can bring him home. I just want to finally have my family together.
Re: hate feeling like this...
You have had such a hard journey! I can't even imagine how hard it is to balance everything you have going on right now. Your twins are beautiful and I believe they will know each other when they are allowed to interact again.
I think its completely understandable for you to feel jealous of people who have had easier journeys. Our best friends from the NICU stayed more than twice as long as we did and had many more set backs-I know she felt the same way you are describing. Its my personal belief that the NICU brings out all kinds of emotions we aren't comfortable with and the best thing you can do is admit how you feel, know that the feelings are real, and not beat yourself up for them. I know you are swamped for time as it is but have you been able to find someone to talk to? I started seeing a counselor after my DD came home and it has helped SO much, I wish I had started earlier.
Your family has been through so much! Please vent here any time you need to. I think about you guys all the time.
Our precious girl, born at 27 weeks.
Hugs to you and your family. I can't imagine how hard it must be juggling one twin at home and another still in NICU. I feel the twinges of anger seeing moms leave the hospital with their babies, as I make my trip to the NICU every day. I think that's only natural.
Best of luck to Ethan as he begins the next six to eight weeks. May 2012 be a year of happiness and health for both of your beautiful babies.
((hugs)) Please vent here any time that you want. DS was in the NICU for 147 days, and I defintiely had a lot of the same feelings that you did - jealousy, anger, etc. The longer we were in the NICU, and with each set back, the less comradirie I found within the NICU as families went home that I had bonded with. I did have two closer friends there who's babies stayed longer than Andrew - 8 and 9 months, and I know it was very, very tough for them especially towards the end.
I hope that the change of scenery with the rehab facility helps you feel like Ethan is much closer to coming home - and brings some renewed energy to you. I can't imagine splitting time with a LO at home and one still in the hospital. You must be one strong mama!
ps...I don't know if you've found this resource yet - the preemie board on in.spire.com was a good resource for me the longer Andrew stayed in the NICU - there are lots of insiprational stories on there of babies who faced very hard odds and are doing great now. This board doesn't have a ton of ladies who have faced such long journies, and that site helped me see I wasn't alone. Hang in there - you are doing great!
Thank you! I haven't talked to anyone, but it might be a good idea. I have been thinking of looking into it, but I always worry that I don't have time. I guess I should just try to make time.
Thank you! Best of luck to you as well!!!
Thank you so much! I will definitely check out that site. I am so glad your DS is doing well.
I totally understand wanting to have your family home and together. I think i cried several times a day about the same thing.
It's ok to have these jealous feelings. It's understandable. *hugs* I hope your stay at the rehab center becomes faster for you.
[I am not as eloquent as some here... I just wanted you to know your post touched me and I would love to have some inspiring thoughts for you. *hugs*]