Confessing to the in-laws

Annabelle76

I realized the time has come to let the in-laws in on the infertility issues.  On Christmas day, FIL came in to the house wearing a santa hat and talking about the santa suit that he has had for a long time.  When it was just he and I in the room he said to me that the next time he wears that suit he will be able to fill it out better than before.  He then paused a moment and said to me "the next time I wear that suit will be for Cousin's Baby" (DH cousin and her H are due in April).  I said "yes, you will."  He immediately got quiet and got a sad look on his face and walked out the front door.

I feel awful that he might never have a grandchild.  I know DH parent's think it's my fault for being as career oriented as I am.  I think we are going to have to tell  them.  I told DH and he said he would tell them today, but I think (and told him) we need to approach this together. 

How did you tell the in-laws/parent's (if you have)? 

Bubs711

I'm so sorry that you had to deal with that.  We've just been very matter-of-fact and open with all sets of parents (DH's are divorced and remarried) all the way around, though we have been telling everyone we're on a break right now, which is only partially true. 

My parents are incredibly supportive.  I told them both on the phone just because with our schedules we don't see each other much.  I sat down with my FIL and SMIL at their house for the first time the other night (they already knew generally what was going on from DH) and explained our options/the DE process.  They were also very supportive, and asked lots of questions/explored all the possibilities in a straightforward way.  The only one who got the side-eye was my MIL.  She also knew what was going on from DH, but when we were at her house a couple of weeks ago, DH said why don't you talk to her about our situation (right in front of her so really no choice).  I explained everything to her, and she said in her opinion she didn't think that DE were a good idea and suggested that I drink a bottle of wine, relax, try naturally, and if it doesn't happen - accept that maybe not having children is God's plan for us.  I know she was just trying to be helpful, but yeah - that's not happening. 

I don't know your relationship with your family, but I've found that finding a time when you're feeling more okay with things and being very honest while sticking to the facts is the approach that's worked well for me - either in person or on the phone.  GL to you!

Annabelle76

Thanks Bubs! 

My relationship with my family is non-existent.  Relationship with DH family is very good.  We never intended to tell anyone that we were TTC, let alone thought that we would have this conversation over a year and a half ago.  With his cousin due in April, it's pretty much being shoved down our throats (so to speak).  DH was even asked to help with the decals in the nursery (something I already told him I would not be going over to their house to watch/participate in).

I think we are just going to have to go over and just have the conversation with them and tell them about what the deal is and that if we don't conceive naturally there is no real option due to financial reasons.  I just don't want to see 2 bummed faces.  They would make awesome grandparents.

Bubs711

Having very little relationship would make it more difficult I imagine.  However, you may be surprised by their reactions.  I've found the more I've talked about what's going on, the more supportive people are and the more they share their own stories with struggles.  I hope that your talk goes better than you expect even though it may be sad on both sides.  {{{HUGS}}}

Adi

I guess it really depends on your in-laws... My Mom knows we haven't been preventing. She thinks anyone that goes above that is a bit rediculous, because, since we have one, we should be happy with that because that's probably all we were MEANT to have.

My SILs are much more supportive... One is pregnant(almost to her second trimester, and really hoping I get a BFP soon, since her pregnancy was a BIG oops, and she knows we're trying) the other was closely scrutinizing what was in my glass over the weekend, because she knows if I'm at a party drinking soda straight, there's a reason for it. I'm not a big drinker, but I will have a rum and coke, or glass of wine at a party. She was about to get excited because I just had soda, but I had to tell her that DH poured it for me, and he didn't know if she had any rum.

The pregnant SIL knows I'm just over 2 weeks away from requesting a consult, because.. in a moment of weekness, I told her I've been using the BBT and it didn't indicate that I ovulated. I haven't told anyone else.

Annabelle76

Bubs711:

Having very little relationship would make it more difficult I imagine. 

I won't be telling my side of the family.  I haven't spoken to my mother in over 3 years, she is a narcissist.

His family is who we need to tell and that will be heartbreaking.

MelleTX

I think they just might surprise you. One thing I have learned throughout this process is that people surprise you with their reactions. More than likely you will discover that they know more than you think. You will all feel better once the truth is out there. Good luck!

happywifemomofone

I have to suggest lying the cards on the table in whatever format that ends up in.  I have a sister that has been struggling with IF for all 5 years of her marriage.  That is all that I know-because one day she shared that much with my mother.  The not knowing has effected our relationships on every level.  I want to be helpful and supportive to her-but that is impossible when she is not forthcoming with why they have IF.  I think my sister is very jealous of my sister and I who have children, and that undermines our relationships in a very unflattering way.  This year we have been going through IVF.  My sister does not know this-because her not sharing has led to me doing the same with her.  I don't want to unknowningly upset her, and things are so fragile that I just don't know how to handle the elephant in the room.  I worry all the time, that if I get a sticky BFP-how will I let my sister know that we are expecting.  DH's family is very supportive.  My mom knows that we are trying and is supportive, but she is a strict Catholic and does not believe in ART.  Good luck-suspect that you'll find your IL to be supportive....and you might just learn that they have a ton of respect for you for being a career woman and that they don't see that as a negative at all. 

Temp556193750005695

Annabelle - DH and I just had this conversation with my in-laws.   He felt like they needed to know and I didn't want to say a word.  I knew that they thought the problem was my AMA and Hubbs wanted them to know about the MFI.  " I want to give them a chance to grieve not being grandparents."  So, I agreed.  We talked this week, just the four of us.  DH explained the diagnosis and I explained the ART.  We answered their questions and they tried to be comforting.  It felt uncomfortable and at the same time relieving.  There isn't a right way to share this info, just whatever way works best for you.  Good Luck!