how to deal with a hitting 2.5 year old

Brooke81

I am my wits end with DS. He is hitting and kicking me, DH and mainly DD. I read positive dicipline for 0-3 years and they basically say to ignore it and reinforce how he should touch and redirect. I have told him so many times to toch gently and showed him how and I do that when he hits or whatever. I try to redirect him but he is way to stubborn right now and it doesn't work at all. I don't want to completly ignore it because it is inapproriate and DD could really get hurt.

I have tried leaving the room and trying to ignore him as much as possible telling him that we weren't going to play with him if hit. I also tell him that it hurts and makes me/us sad. I have tried taking the toy away that he is hitting with if he is using somthing.

Today we were skyping my parents and he hit DD and I told him to be gentle and removed her from the situation then he started kicking me so I warned him that grandpa and grandma couldn't talk to us if he kept kicking and wasn't nice. He did it again and we ended the skpe call and he cried for about 20 minutes for grandma and grandpa. Then later I was playing with him and DD was quietly playing near us and then he lies down on the floor and lines up to kick her.

Sometimes it seems exploratory and a lot of times he is looking for a reaction. It seems that he knows that it not something he should be doing and that is why he decides to do it. I don't think he is doing it to hurt us.

Also he used to say sorry and/or give kisses when encouraged but lately he refuses. He is also in an auwful defiant "no"stage. He has this huge attitude about it too.

Please someone help me or recomend a book. I have got to figure out how to deal with this because everything I am doing is failing! 

ljanette85

if he is doing it on purpose maybe a time out will do the trick. if he hits put him in bed or a chair for 2 minutes and when he is done talk to him about being nice. if he has to sit out everytime he hits I think he will stop eventually... just keep in mind that its a stage, an awful one like biting, that almost all kids go through. consistency will end it

EyeOfTheTiger

I know that this is totally against this parenting style and I can barely stand the thought of it either, but you may have to resort to spanking. One pop on the behind with your hand will catch his attention. The next time he kicks tell him, "If you kick again, you will get a spanking." Then if he does it again, follow threw. Behavior like that is unacceptable, the telling you "no" more-so than the hitting. I may sound like the ass-hole mama, but you're his mother. you feed and cloth him and give him a house to live in. He needs to respect you, and I know from watching the parents around me that if you allow your child to boss you like that as a child than it only gets worse as they grow. I'm all for positive discipline and avoiding spankings at all costs, but if it's not working and he's being a brat and knows it, a pop on his clothed bottom should do the trick. Pop him and tell him to say sorry, then hug him and tell him why you did it and that you love him.

 

Good luck, I hope it doesn't come to spanking for you :-/ 

Brooke81

ljanette85 I tried time outs a couple of times but it was so hard to get him to sit there and he didn't seem to get it and wasn't that fased by it in terms of changing his behavior. Then I reread the positive disicpline book and wondered if they were counter productive in this case.

Eyeof spanking is not for us. I am of the thinking that we need to model the behavior we expect from our children. Like the golden rule. btw I would like to meet the mother that has or has had a 2-3 year old that hasn't told them no. DS says no to everything at the moment even things that he may actually want.

 

pinksweetpea2

EyeOfTheTiger:

I know that this is totally against this parenting style and I can barely stand the thought of it either, but you may have to resort to spanking. One pop on the behind with your hand will catch his attention. The next time he kicks tell him, "If you kick again, you will get a spanking." Then if he does it again, follow threw. Behavior like that is unacceptable, the telling you "no" more-so than the hitting. I may sound like the ass-hole mama, but you're his mother. you feed and cloth him and give him a house to live in. He needs to respect you, and I know from watching the parents around me that if you allow your child to boss you like that as a child than it only gets worse as they grow. I'm all for positive discipline and avoiding spankings at all costs, but if it's not working and he's being a brat and knows it, a pop on his clothed bottom should do the trick. Pop him and tell him to say sorry, then hug him and tell him why you did it and that you love him.

 

Good luck, I hope it doesn't come to spanking for you :-/ 

You suggest she teach her child not to hit by hitting him?  Yeah, that makes sense.   ::rolls eyes::    Spanking is inferior and lazy parenting at its best.   Even when my DD is at her worst, I cannot imagine "popping her."  Gross and barbaric IMO.     

OP- I would try time outs.  If those do not work, I would also consider taking away a toy or privilege.   Time outs have not really been that productive for us (she just gets more and more upset and can't calm donw), but they work for most of my friends.  Taking toys or privileges away works a lot better.   We don't do it for everything- only the big things (like what you are dealing with) and it does help. 

Also, a thought- is he getting enough exercise?  It can be really hard in the winter, but for some kids can make all the difference.   I know on days Lily does not get enough exercise her mood can be awful.  

GL 

pottermommy

So I am going to stay out of the overall spanking debate as a whole, but for me telling a child no you don't hit, and then hitting them is confusing.....It would confuse me...

When my now 7 year old was 2.5 she went threw a big hitting, biting, kicking, screaming stage.  If she hit we could take her hands and hold them in ours firmly so she knew we were taling about what she did with her hands.  Not hard just enough to keep her from pulling away.

And we said, that is not nice and it hurts my body and feelings.  Until you can be nice to people and their bodies you can go be by yourself.  We would take her to her quiet space.... It was a pnp in DH's office.  No toys and nothing to hurt herself.

After 2-3 minutes we would go in and ask why she was in there?  What had happened?  If she refused to tell us that she had hit we would tell her again and let her be for 1 more minute, when we would come back and kiss her hands or her feet and tell her how much we loved them and how fun it was to tickle her feet or play patty cake with her hands.

We liked to play with her hands and feet but if she couldn't be nice with them than we didn't want to play with them because they hurt us....

It sounds like a lot but really it was a 4 minute process that worked, though it took repetition.  But she is a sweet girl and now doesn't resort to hitting, infact at the family Christmas party her 4 year old cousin punched her in the side of the head and I was so proud to see a calm (allbeit angry) 7 year old, hold her wrists and tell her,

Peyton, if you are going to hurt me then I am not going to want to play with you anymore, don't come to play with me until you can be nice with your hands. 

EyeOfTheTiger

On the no thing, I was referring to it happening more than a couple times. Testing boundaries is just something children do, you need to correct it before it becomes destructive. At 2.5 he may not grasp what he's doing is wrong, as his mother you need to teach him that what mommy says, goes. I've seen mothers who's toddlers would throw tantrums over not wanting to ride in the car seat, so they would just ride in the regular seat. I'm not saying you will do this, but your child needs to do what you tell him for his best interest. 

EyeOfTheTiger

pinksweetpea2:

EyeOfTheTiger:

I know that this is totally against this parenting style and I can barely stand the thought of it either, but you may have to resort to spanking. One pop on the behind with your hand will catch his attention. The next time he kicks tell him, "If you kick again, you will get a spanking." Then if he does it again, follow threw. Behavior like that is unacceptable, the telling you "no" more-so than the hitting. I may sound like the ass-hole mama, but you're his mother. you feed and cloth him and give him a house to live in. He needs to respect you, and I know from watching the parents around me that if you allow your child to boss you like that as a child than it only gets worse as they grow. I'm all for positive discipline and avoiding spankings at all costs, but if it's not working and he's being a brat and knows it, a pop on his clothed bottom should do the trick. Pop him and tell him to say sorry, then hug him and tell him why you did it and that you love him.

 

Good luck, I hope it doesn't come to spanking for you :-/ 

You suggest she teach her child not to hit by hitting him?  Yeah, that makes sense.   ::rolls eyes::    Spanking is inferior and lazy parenting at its best.   Even when my DD is at her worst, I cannot imagine "popping her."  Gross and barbaric IMO.     

OP- I would try time outs.  If those do not work, I would also consider taking away a toy or privilege.   Time outs have not really been that productive for us (she just gets more and more upset and can't calm donw), but they work for most of my friends.  Taking toys or privileges away works a lot better.   We don't do it for everything- only the big things (like what you are dealing with) and it does help. 

Also, a thought- is he getting enough exercise?  It can be really hard in the winter, but for some kids can make all the difference.   I know on days Lily does not get enough exercise her mood can be awful.  

GL 

 

Look, I've seen it done, I've had it done to me, if I ever hit my sister I got spanked and told not to do it again. I never questioned it and only hit her one other time, followed by another spanking. Not saying that children never will, but there is a difference between a 2 year old smacking his 8 month old sister in the face, and his mother stepping in and giving him a pop on the behind and telling him no. It's sounding like this little boy is being stubborn, and it's mother's attempts to be gentle with the situation aren't working. I'm not saying she has to spank the boy, but I'd bet money that if his hitting didn't completely stop, it would drastically decrease.

I guess my point is you don't have to take my advice, and I'm not saying spanking is this god-sent discipline tool, but I know from growing up with it that it will stop the bad behavior. I don't want flames for my opinion, I was just trying to answer the question asked.   

JoannaJes

DS has gone through a very similar phase. It was very difficult for us, because it seemed like we were banging our heads against the wall. He has never hit DH or I, but DD was his target.

Anyway, when DS hits DD, it takes all of my willpower not to smack him. It's ok to be frustrated and have that thought for time to time. He's not just hitting some kid, it's YOUR child that is getting injured. There are a lot of conflicting emotions.

We don't spank either, but a couple of things have helped dramatically decrease his aggression towards his sister. One was to get is adenoids removed. He had a ton of sinus infections, and his behavior got a lot better after they were out. The second was time-outs...not positive discipline time outs, but straight up "you are sitting in this chair for two minutes and we are ignoring you time outs". The last thing that has really helped is that when he starts getting owly, I attempt to engage in some sort of activity where he gets some good, solid attention. Not always possible, but I've found that his hitting his sister was a way to provoke a reaction not only from her, but also DH and I. When I re-established that connection with him, he focused less on what his sister was doing that annoyed him. 

dubs3

Lurker here! 

 

I taught early preschool for sometime (2-3 yo), and another thing we'd do in my class is look for triggers, and try to give them alternatives before the child got to the point where they'd hit. So if we saw a child get upset and act if they might hit the friend they were playing with, we'd stop them and try to get them to use their words to express why they didn't like that their toy had just been taken away....again, this needs tons of repetition and patience, but it's worth a try... You also said that your son may do this to get attention, which sounds like him testing boundaries and looking to see how you'll react...you sound like you're doing a good job, the best you can do with that is removing him from the situation, and being firm and consistent. GL! 

pinksweetpea2

EyeOfTheTiger:

pinksweetpea2:

EyeOfTheTiger:

I know that this is totally against this parenting style and I can barely stand the thought of it either, but you may have to resort to spanking. One pop on the behind with your hand will catch his attention. The next time he kicks tell him, "If you kick again, you will get a spanking." Then if he does it again, follow threw. Behavior like that is unacceptable, the telling you "no" more-so than the hitting. I may sound like the ass-hole mama, but you're his mother. you feed and cloth him and give him a house to live in. He needs to respect you, and I know from watching the parents around me that if you allow your child to boss you like that as a child than it only gets worse as they grow. I'm all for positive discipline and avoiding spankings at all costs, but if it's not working and he's being a brat and knows it, a pop on his clothed bottom should do the trick. Pop him and tell him to say sorry, then hug him and tell him why you did it and that you love him.

 

Good luck, I hope it doesn't come to spanking for you :-/ 

You suggest she teach her child not to hit by hitting him?  Yeah, that makes sense.   ::rolls eyes::    Spanking is inferior and lazy parenting at its best.   Even when my DD is at her worst, I cannot imagine "popping her."  Gross and barbaric IMO.     

OP- I would try time outs.  If those do not work, I would also consider taking away a toy or privilege.   Time outs have not really been that productive for us (she just gets more and more upset and can't calm donw), but they work for most of my friends.  Taking toys or privileges away works a lot better.   We don't do it for everything- only the big things (like what you are dealing with) and it does help. 

Also, a thought- is he getting enough exercise?  It can be really hard in the winter, but for some kids can make all the difference.   I know on days Lily does not get enough exercise her mood can be awful.  

GL 

 

Look, I've seen it done, I've had it done to me, if I ever hit my sister I got spanked and told not to do it again. I never questioned it and only hit her one other time, followed by another spanking. Not saying that children never will, but there is a difference between a 2 year old smacking his 8 month old sister in the face, and his mother stepping in and giving him a pop on the behind and telling him no. It's sounding like this little boy is being stubborn, and it's mother's attempts to be gentle with the situation aren't working. I'm not saying she has to spank the boy, but I'd bet money that if his hitting didn't completely stop, it would drastically decrease.

Hitting is hitting no matter what jargon you use.  The only difference is that the adult should know better.  You are teaching a child that the person who they trust most in the world will hit them if they do something wrong.  How in the world are you supposed to maintain attachment and trust with your child if you are hurting them physically when they do something you don't like???  

Also, most current studies show that spanking actually leads to more aggressive behavior over time, so your theory doesn't really hold water anyway.

I remember hiding under my bed from my father who was coming to give me a spanking- I was terrified.  That is not a memory that I would EVER wish on a child- especially my own.  After my Mom divorced my Dad when I was four I was never spanked again and I am grateful to have been raised by a gentle parent who knew that you can raise children in a gentle way.

I stand by my view- spanking is barbaric and lazy parenting.  I don't know anyone these days who spanks their kids and I generally view those who do as being ignorant or low class.

You have a long way to go until you actually become a parent.  Just because you were hit as a child does not mean that you have to repeat those methods.   I would suggest you do a bit of reading in the mean time.  Here is a good place to start:

https://www.time.com/time/magazine/article/0,9171,1983895,00.html

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/spanking/10-reasons-not-hit-your-child

If you are going to come on the AP board and suggest someone spank their child you are going to have to accept the fact that many of us are not going to agree with your "opinions" and many people might even flame you.

Brooke81

Thanks everyone. There are suggestions I think we will try. I really like your suggestions pottermommy. Maybe the pack and play would work for a time out spot then he wouldn't get attention from me having to keep putting him there. I maybe will try ignoring it completly like one of the other posters suggested. I do leave the room but I usally say something about how it isn't nice and then mommy doesn't want to play. Can't hurt to try.

He doesn't really seem to hit out of anger and annoyance. Like if DD tries to touch his toy he raises his voice at her tells her no and pushes her away but doesn't hit in general.

jshf

DS1 was hitting/pushing kids, especially younger than him for a few months.  The redirecting/modeling/etc helped, but he was still doing it.  And I just didn't feel comfortable with his behavior.  I read 1-2-3 Magic and started doing the progressive time-outs when he was about 23 months.  It really has helped a lot!  He still is a little rough with younger kids, but it has improved drastically.  I only give him time out 2-3 times a week.  I usually count to just 1 and that stops him in his tracks.  It's worth a read. GL!

rosiemomma

Brooke81:

Thanks everyone. There are suggestions I think we will try. I really like your suggestions pottermommy. Maybe the pack and play would work for a time out spot then he wouldn't get attention from me having to keep putting him there. I maybe will try ignoring it completly like one of the other posters suggested. I do leave the room but I usally say something about how it isn't nice and then mommy doesn't want to play. Can't hurt to try.

He doesn't really seem to hit out of anger and annoyance. Like if DD tries to touch his toy he raises his voice at her tells her no and pushes her away but doesn't hit in general.

Sounds like a normal 2 year old! I know it is tough! But you are doing the best you can and that is very important!

If you want more suggestions I love these:

https://www.askdrsears.com/topics/discipline-behavior/bothersome-behaviors/biting-and-hitting-16-ways-stop-it 

https://www.phdinparenting.com/2011/09/28/toddler-hitting-5-strategies-to-handle-it/#.TvpSctQ7X4s 

SirSleepsALot

If he's playing around and swats I just remind him we do not hit each other and ask him to apologize / hug whoever he hit.  We do time-outs for hitting if it is intentionally hitting to hurt.  I explain what is happening, put him in his crib (he's 2) and leave his door open.  When he's calmed down and the time-out is over he has to go apologize to his baby brother or daddy or whoever he hit.  If he refuses he goes back into time out.  I don't shame him about it or tell him he is a bad boy or anything, just that hitting is unacceptable behavior and it hurts people and it's not ok in our family.  I personally think hitting is one of those things that if ignored just gets worse.  The 3 year old across the street from us has an AP mom who ignores everything and honestly her kid is a little a**hole. 

SirSleepsALot

EyeOfTheTiger:

I know that this is totally against this parenting style and I can barely stand the thought of it either, but you may have to resort to spanking. One pop on the behind with your hand will catch his attention. The next time he kicks tell him, "If you kick again, you will get a spanking." Then if he does it again, follow threw. Behavior like that is unacceptable, the telling you "no" more-so than the hitting. I may sound like the ass-hole mama, but you're his mother. you feed and cloth him and give him a house to live in. He needs to respect you, and I know from watching the parents around me that if you allow your child to boss you like that as a child than it only gets worse as they grow. I'm all for positive discipline and avoiding spankings at all costs, but if it's not working and he's being a brat and knows it, a pop on his clothed bottom should do the trick. Pop him and tell him to say sorry, then hug him and tell him why you did it and that you love him.

 

Good luck, I hope it doesn't come to spanking for you :-/ 

I understand the frustration but really disagree that you can teach a kid not to hit by hitting them.  How confusing is THAT message?!

EyeOfTheTiger

SirSleepsALot:

EyeOfTheTiger:

I know that this is totally against this parenting style and I can barely stand the thought of it either, but you may have to resort to spanking. One pop on the behind with your hand will catch his attention. The next time he kicks tell him, "If you kick again, you will get a spanking." Then if he does it again, follow threw. Behavior like that is unacceptable, the telling you "no" more-so than the hitting. I may sound like the ass-hole mama, but you're his mother. you feed and cloth him and give him a house to live in. He needs to respect you, and I know from watching the parents around me that if you allow your child to boss you like that as a child than it only gets worse as they grow. I'm all for positive discipline and avoiding spankings at all costs, but if it's not working and he's being a brat and knows it, a pop on his clothed bottom should do the trick. Pop him and tell him to say sorry, then hug him and tell him why you did it and that you love him.

 

Good luck, I hope it doesn't come to spanking for you :-/ 

I understand the frustration but really disagree that you can teach a kid not to hit by hitting them.  How confusing is THAT message?!

 

And letting him hit the infant is better? It's really not that confusing to a kid. If I hit, I get hit, and I don't like getting hit. It's pretty simple. 

xnbride

I personally don't ignore behavior like that, I think it needs to be addressed immediately. That is why he keeps doing it and escalating because he is pushing the boundaries further and further each time until he gets a reaction from you.

First thing I do is grab his hand/leg and pull it down next to his body (not rough, just swift) so he stops using it with force. I look him in the eye and say "we don't hit" "we do soft touches" If he continues then I repeat. I also ask him to describe what he is feeling, "are you angry, frustrated etc" Kids usually hit because they lack the proper communication skills to express their emotions, needs and desires. By asking him to "use his words" it helps him to express himself using words rather then with hitting/bitting.

Then I show him how I want to be touched by making soft strokes on his arm or my arm. Repeating "soft touches"

Most of the time he will calm down and give me soft touches or kisses.  I personally think that swift, consistent (using the same approach and the same verbage) actions/words, and following it towards a resolution work best for this type of behavior. I personally am not familiar with "positive discipline" but this is what I do in my household and it seems to work.