T&Ps needed, vent, LONG

theladyjess

I'm sorry for how long this is.  I really did try to make it as short as possible. 

My FIL has multiple health issues including COPD, emphysema, diabetes and mobility issues. FIL wasn't feeling well before Thanksgiving and should have seen the dr or gone into the hospital but refuesed to because Hubby and I were coming for the weekend.  While we were there I noticed that FIL didn't have much energy, would nod off while sitting upright in a chair and seemed to have more difficutly breathing than he normally does.  He had just been prescribed night time oxygen to use for sleep but was using it pretty much 24 hours. 

Nov 30th FIL finally threw in the towel and allowed MIL to call 911 because his breathing had become so labored and difficult.  He was admitted to the hospital in congestive heart failure and they began the process of trying to get the fluid off his lungs and out of his tissues as his legs had begun to leak fluid by this time.  He was in the hosptial and went back in forth between making progress and then backsliding. 

MIL, FIL and BIL were supposed to come Dec 10-12 for an early Christmas.  FIL was still in the hosptial but BIL flew in from NY as planned.  Hubby was working 14 hour nights and I was only seeing him awake for maybe 45-60 minutes a day. After several phone calls over the next few days, and FIL not improving we finally convinced MIL and BIL not to come, even for just the day like they had wanted to.  This did not come without the price of emotional manipulation by FIL and his phone call telling us that the next time we got together he wanted to have a talk about "the importance of family." Of course, family is only important to him now that he's facing his own mortality.  It wasnt' important to him when he walked out of our wedding rehersal and threatened not to come to our wedding or for the first several years that Hubby and I were married.

Wed FIL was transferred to a skilled nursing facility to continue rehab.  Things looked like they were improving and MIL figured he'd be there for 3-4 weeks before he'd be able to come home.  Hubby and I talked and we decided that he'd take half of Thursday off and all of Friday to go visit his dad and work out the whole "importance of family" crap before Christmas because I'd had enough of the emotional manipulation and just wanted things dealt with.  I stayed home because my OB said I shouldn't travel after Dec 15 (one of the reasons why we didn't go over to their house for Christmas this year).

Hubby came home yesterday afternoon.  He visited his dad in the morning before getting on the road and noticed that FIL seemed kind of "out of it" and groggy.  I reassured him that FIL probably didn't get a great night's sleep and he probably just had some lingering sleep meds in his system and that he's perk up in a little while. 

Last night we get a call from MIL saying that FIL has been transferred back to the hosptial because they've been unable to rouse him most of the day.  His BP was bottoming out and the only thing really keeping him going at this point is his pacemaker.  She tells us that his kidneys are producing urine, but they're unable to keep up with the amt of fluid in his system (both his legs are leaking fluid and his arm is swollen to twice it's normal size).  Shey says he needs dyalsis but he's stated time and time again that he doesn't want it. I give my opinion that they should just do the dyalsis and get him to a point where he's coherent and can understand the problems he's facing so he can decide if he wants to continue the dyalsis or not.  She agrees and says she'll keep us informed. 

We get a call from MIL this am saying that FIL is stable and they're going to start dyalsis but she's unsure how soon that will get started.  Hubby calls BIL and BIL makes flight arrangements to come because this could be the end. 

I have an appointment with my OB in the morning (just a reg check) and will be asking her if she thinks I can make the 4 hour drive to go see FIL.  I think she'll ok it because I'm still a month away from my EDD, I've had an uneventful easy pg and I haven't had any BH or other contractions to speak of.

Needless to say, I'm stressed out.  Hubby has the next week off from work so at least we don't have to worry about him trying to get time off.  However, during this next week we had planned to set up LO's nursery, clean out the garage, get some other things done and just spend some quality time together before LO arrives.  Now at least Hubby, and most likely myself as well, will be spending at least the next 2-3 days away from home getting nothing done. 

Part of me is mad at FIL for not nipping this in the bud and seeing the dr before Thanksgiving.  I wonder if all of this could have been avoided if he wouldn't have been so stubborn and got seen sooner.  Part of me is mad at him for messing up our plans for the next week.  Part of me understands that the last person who wants to be dealing w/ all of this is FIL and that he didn't do this on purpose.  Part of me feels guilty for being upset while part of me feels justified for being upset.

All of me is anxious about what the next few days hold.  I hope and pray that he pulls through and is able to meet his new granddaughter.  I'm really anxious about how close to my EDD all of this is happening.  I can see things dragging out for the next couple of weeks and coming to a head right before or right after I deliever.  Hubby said last night that he'd stay here for the birth of our child even if it meant missing out on saying good bye to his dad but I don't want him to have to deal with that.

 

FarmvilleLover

This is shittty timing that is nobody's fault, I'm so sorry your family is dealing with this right now, especially your DH. I couldn't imagine having to choose between being there for the birth of my first child vs the death of a parent.  I hope it doesn't come to that.  Wishing you guys a lot of luck.

 

star173

All your feelings are normal. I will say though, I know the nursery being set up and getting everything "ready" for the baby is important to you right now, in the grand scheme of things that means nothing. As long as the baby has some outfits and a place to sleep, that's all she needs. So, try not to worry about that aspect of it.

I'm sorry you guys are in this situation. I hope it all works out.

Sascha3

Some of your feelings are very normal.  I lost both of my parents to things I think could have been preventable to an extent.  My dad's cancer may not have spread so much if he hadn't had a phobia opf doctors and refused to seek medical attention.  My mom would not have had mulitple health problems and died if she had not lived a life of such poor health including morbid obesity for many years, then including severe drug use.

I still harbor anger at times, especially towards my mom.  BUT, regardless of how I felt, the absolute last thing in the world I would have ever wanted to hear would be someone to bad mouth either one of my parents or to get angry and frustrated that my parents death interfered with a week of our lives.  I was dating a guy when my dad died who complained that I didn't call him for a couple days after my dad's death, so I dumped him immediately and refused to ever speak to him again.  I thought he was the most selfish person to ever walk this planet for trying to make me feel guilty.

So what I am saying, is that even though it is natural to feel this way, you CANNOT let your husband know you are upset that you can't work on the nursery this week.  It is really a very minor thing in this situation.  Ridiculously minor.  Try to put yourself in your husband's shoes and just be there for him.  I cannot imagine how stressful this must be for him.  This is his father, not your, so I am sure the pain is much more intense for him as well as the stress.

mrs.larry

I'm so sorry that you and your husband are going through this right now. It really is horrible timing. 

I agree with Sascha for the most part. Try to get some perspective and I think it'll help you feel better about the situation and help you be there for your husband too.

I will also add that my grandmother recently passed away from congestive heart failure and my understanding of the nature of the disease is that it really isn't preventable or treatable. I doubt that going in at Thanksgiving would have changed things much. Try to let go of resentment and help your husband fully enjoy the last few days/weeks/months he has with his father.