s/o sharing - how to handle aggressive kids when their parent isn't nearby?

umdbride

Recently we've been to two different kids birthday parties where there are lots of kids and parents around, but DS has been on the receiving end of an aggressive-ish kid and the parent wasn't nearby and I'm not sure how we should handle the older kid (as in what's the right thing to say to them). 

The first time DH was with DS and he had DS sitting on a small tricycle, a bigger boy (probably 3 or 4) comes over and says "I was riding that,"  So DH says, "DS is having a turn now and when he's done you can ride it again" but the bigger kid just kept inching in closer and closer until he was pretty much going to push DS of the trike, so DH pulled DS off and moved to something else.   

The second time, DS was sitting on the floor playing with a toy and a 1.5/2 year old girl comes over and tries to grab it out of his hand.  DH was with DS and said, "DS is playing with that" but I think the girl was too young to understand so I just told DH to give DS something else and give the girl the toy.

Both times the parent was either nearby but not doing anything or not nearby.  I feel like when DS is older I'd be watching him as he plays to help make sure he's treating others nicely - but is that realistic? 

I assume that it's just how kids are and for now we should just gently explain sharing to the bigger kid and then move on to something else. DH takes it a bit more personally though and says he's going to teach DS to push the other kid off the bike if he gets pushed off, lol. 

what's really appropriate in terms of what kids understand when, and how do you handle those situations??

Artslvr

Sounds like your DH is doing what I would do - gently tell the other kid "well right now it's DS's turn."  Kid persists - "DS will be taking his turn for about two more minutes, and then it will be your turn.  Then you can have two minutes and it'll be his turn again."  I do this with my own kids - who I don't want to shove each other off bikes ha ha.  The time limit thing is fairly easy for kids to understand, even if they don't truly know what two minutes means.  You're signaling that they're not getting their turn right this instant.  I found with just saying "his turn/your turn" that the kids are like "well then it's my turn NOW" - so we give times.

smacb

I don't consider not sharing aggressive.  I consider that normal behavior of small children.   In general I don't correct someone else's child.  I correct my own if he's out of line and I rarely let him out of my sight.  It's not my job to discipline someone else's child or tell them what to do and I would be irate if some random person disciplined my child.  If there's a major issue and the parents aren't there, I bring it to their attention.

If it's not a situation where DS is in danger of getting hurt, I tend to step back and let him handle it.  He isn't going to learn how to navigate the world and deal with social situations if I constantly swoop in. 

BabyHatch

smacb:

I don't consider not sharing aggressive.  I consider that normal behavior of small children.   In general I don't correct someone else's child.  I correct my own if he's out of line and I rarely let him out of my sight.  It's not my job to discipline someone else's child or tell them what to do and I would be irate if some random person disciplined my child.  If there's a major issue and the parents aren't there, I bring it to their attention.

If it's not a situation where DS is in danger of getting hurt, I tend to step back and let him handle it.  He isn't going to learn how to navigate the world and deal with social situations if I constantly swoop in. 

This. Although I will admit that its a major struggle for me not to insert myself into playground conflict negotiation. If a kid was doing something straight up dangerous, that would be different.

Artslvr

OP's kid is 10 months old, which I think is different from unnecessarily  swooping in on a confrontation when your kid can walk and talk and "defend" themselves, and has the tools to resolve it on their own. 

AgrippaRidesAgain

Artslvr:

OP's kid is 10 months old, which I think is different from unnecessarily  swooping in on a confrontation when your kid can walk and talk and "defend" themselves, and has the tools to resolve it on their own. 

Ditto this. And honestly, I stepped in with DS a lot of times when he was a young toddler too, because he was prone to dropping a toy and running away instead of defending himself. Young toddlers also need to be taught what to do in regards to sharing. Leaving it to them to figure it out means the bigger more aggressive kids always win. Young toddlers have no empathy.

AgrippaRidesAgain

smacb:

 In general I don't correct someone else's child.  I correct my own if he's out of line and I rarely let him out of my sight.  It's not my job to discipline someone else's child or tell them what to do and I would be irate if some random person disciplined my child.  If there's a major issue and the parents aren't there, I bring it to their attention.

Ok, I need to comment on this specifically too, b/c it's grating on my this afternoon.  Perhaps it's because I'm a former teacher, but this just seems wrong.  We're not talking about someone sending your kid to time out or spanking them, but simply stepping in as a member of society and reminding your kid how we act as part of that society.  If my kid were acting inappropriately towards someone else's and I wasn't there to see it because I was attending to DD or something, I certainly would expect someone to step in and make him stop.   

umdbride

Thanks ladies - I really appreciate the input.  I never thought of stating a specific time to the other child, but that makes a lot of sense - I'll try it next time! 

I understand kids will be kids and certainly aren't going to play nice all the time, but since DS is only 10 months and can't even get away really, I wanted to know what I could say to other kids that they may understand. 

I plan to stay out of DS's battles for the most part, but I do want to teach him how to respond if someone takes something or isn't playing politely, and I hope that other parents would do the same.  If DS was being inappropriate I'd hope a fellow parent would remind him how he should behave (verbally and nicely, of course).  FWIW, I would never discipline someone else's child - if I felt their behavior was that bad I would just take DS out of the situation.