How often do you fight with your SO?

Zenya

A fight = voices raised, feelings hurt... a specific event that should end in someone apologizing or some other resolution. [Poll]

Mata Hari

I wish we "fought" more. I like to work through things. DH is an avoider. We've had about a half dozen silent treatment weekends since we were married 3 yrs ago. Not fun.

penguingrrl

While we definitely have disagreements that we have to work through, in 12 years together it's never once resulted in voices raised or hurt feelings. That's just not the type of people we are. Our relationship is certainly not perfect (though it is very happy) but neither of us is the type to yell or get angry or be hurtful to others. I grew up with a verbally and emotionally abusive father and, having been on the receiving end of it, would never treat someone that way or act that way towards others.

Zenya

your husband has never in 12 years hurt your feelings?  I don't see how that is possible, honestly.  in ANY relationship, romantic or otherwise, I don't see how that's possible.  What am I missing?

penguingrrl

My feelings aren't hurt that easily, maybe, I don't know, but my husband has never hurt my  feelings.

justEK

Pre-meds, once a month we would get into a really bad fight. We both have tempers, but it was never around the kids.

Since meds, very rarely. I am a psycho when I am pmsing. A mixture of meds has calmed me and now AF sneaks up on me. 

katie277s

Even though we had been together for almost 7 years when we got married, our first year and a half of marriage was HARD.  We fought all.the.time over every little thing.  Now, we rarely fight, and if we do, we are quick to apologize and make up.  

true_norskie

H and I have been together 18 years, married for 8.  We know just the right thing to say at just the right time...  And both admit that we've used that for both good and evil!

I mean, I love my mom, she's one of my best friends.  But I get sick of her sometimes.  I love my DH, he's also one of my best friends.  But I get sick of him sometimes.

Okay, so not so much "sick of him/her" as much as the little things add up to too many for me to handle.  For example, H has the habit of deflecting questions, answering a question with a question.  Most of the time I can deal with it.  But if I've had a bad day or am just at the end of my rope, I might lose it on him.

I will readily admit that I know exactly what to say if I want to take our fight to the "blow below the belt" level...and I've done it.  Sometimes to get a point across, sometimes because I'm just pissed and feel like it.

Is my marriage doomed?  (Frankly, I'd say no...after 18 years, we know how to deal wtih each other, both good and bad)

Am I alone in this?

NativeNyer

We argue at least a few times a week.  He's a procrastinator and not very organized.  Also, we have a blended family situation that adds to the chaos.

shouldbworkin

Every 6 mos we seem to have a big blow up.  It's usually b/c things are busy and we don't have enough time to spend alone.  Usually happens in Nov and May - in Nov we have just gotten through the beginning of school hell, Halloween, fall clean up and are starting to get into Thanksgiving/year end.  All of the time being focused on kids and work takes its toll on us.  In May we're busy with end of school hell and spring clean up and again, not enough time to be alone together.  It's like clockwork now, so we realize what's going on, get back on track and move on after a couple days.

Starr57

We go through cycles. We just got over a really rough patch from this summer and now we are down to fights MAYBE once a month. We're both really passionate people and we yell a lot. I don't think that means we are any less happy, but it's just how we deal.

Ax2

penguingrrl:

While we definitely have disagreements that we have to work through, in 12 years together it's never once resulted in voices raised or hurt feelings. That's just not the type of people we are. Our relationship is certainly not perfect (though it is very happy) but neither of us is the type to yell or get angry or be hurtful to others.

This.

mattswife91805

in the 6 yrs we have been married we have fought (raised voices, feelings hurt) twice. we have disagreements here and there, but nothing major.

leiann2003

I voted for a few times a week, but it's actually almost daily

Jodi&Joe

How can you have make up sex without a fight? And I'm ALL about angry passionate make up sex! 

Also, some of our best, thought provoking, life changing conversations start out as an argument.  It's almost like we don't know how to get to the meaningful conversation part without the knock down drag out argument part.  I'm cool with that.

 

JLSBWG

I feel like some months we hardly fight and others may be more often depending on what's going on.  Through it all though, we can have calm, civil conversations about hurt feelings, needs and wants still after being together for 11 years.  I think it is good to fight, but you have to fight fair and that isn't always easy in my opinion.  My marriage isn't perfect, but it is pretty good and will always be a work in progress as we as individuals are a work in progress.  Some days I can't stand myself let alone him.  Nobody is perfect, but I do try to see all of the good in my DH and what he brings to the relationship. 

jettagurl

I voted for a few times a month....but, I wear my feelings on my sleeve, so I get easily hurt and my defense is to raise my voice.  I'd say 99% of our arguments are due to communication issues.  He is crazy, wicked busy...so he does his thing and I do mine. He just assumes I do all the kid/house related stuff, and he makes the money....so we often don't discuss bill/money related stuff (I just take care of everything - then the one time he pops onto the online banking and sees a balance less than he likes he freaks out), and I feel like I have to drag his schedule out of him.  

Every time I ask him what he's doing (work plan) the following day or weekend (so I can plan accordingly) he always follows with "Why, what's up?"  Uh, nothing! I'd just like to know if you will be here for dinner/go to xxx/if I need to find someone to watch the kids.  And regardless of what time he's coming home, I'd just like an estimate.  He'll be  two house late coming home, so I'd call, and see what's up then he gets frustrated that I want an update.  Just in the last 6 mos I started going ahead with dinner or to run an errand or something without him.  Its no longer worth the stress it causes me. 

Anyhow, that got long....but things have changed dramatically since I changed my attitude about his lack of keeping me updated.;)  We are much happier/don't argue near as much. 

 

ITGurl0626

true_norskie:

Okay, so not so much "sick of him/her" as much as the little things add up to too many for me to handle.  For example, H has the habit of deflecting questions, answering a question with a question.  Most of the time I can deal with it.  But if I've had a bad day or am just at the end of my rope, I might lose it on him.

I will readily admit that I know exactly what to say if I want to take our fight to the "blow below the belt" level...and I've done it.  Sometimes to get a point across, sometimes because I'm just pissed and feel like it.

Is my marriage doomed?  (Frankly, I'd say no...after 18 years, we know how to deal wtih each other, both good and bad)

Am I alone in this?

 

You aren't alone.  My DH and I have had quite a few fights like this.  He knows just what to say to hit below the belt.  Sometimes I'll take the high road & walk away from him.  Other times I can get to his level.  I don't do it first, but I will finish it at times.

susan1017

Jodi&Joe:

How can you have make up sex without a fight? And I'm ALL about angry passionate make up sex! 

Also, some of our best, thought provoking, life changing conversations start out as an argument.  It's almost like we don't know how to get to the meaningful conversation part without the knock down drag out argument part.  I'm cool with that.

 

This is kind of us, too. We both have long fuses but when it blows, watchout!!! We bicker about small things all the time but knock-down drag outs are about 2x a year. Its kind of our clearing of the air and we have a deep talk and things are great again, but that long fuse is relit to go off again in about 6 months...it seems to work for us.

BTW, I dont think fighting/arguing are signs of a bad marriage. Bad communication maybe but not always a bad marriage,.

nonoemily

I said a few times a month, but that's us at our best. Sometimes it's a couple times a week.

We are really different in some ways, and we are both super sensitive. We also have different ways of dealing with things- when I'm upset I vocalize. When J is upset, he withdraws.

We almost never fought in the first few years of our relationship... but, those first few years were kind of a disaster and we almost didn't make it. We had to learn how to fight with each other.