herpes and pregnancy: a difficult situation

esbeek

My husband and I are struggling with what to do about sex during my third trimester. He has (genital) herpes and I don't, and I know it is SUPER dangerous for me to contract it during the third trimester - could be fatal to the baby. We never have sex when he has an outbreak, obviously, but I know there can be viral shedding even when he is without symptoms (approximately 4% of the time, according to studies, though that doesn't mean that I would contract it 4% of the time). He's had herpes for 20 years, has outbreaks only once or twice a year, and is very confident in his ability to tell when one is coming on. We've been together for 4 years, have had unprotected sex for 3 of those, and I'm still HPV neg. We've read all the studies, which say with acyclovir and condom use, the rate of transmission is almost nil, but still ... If I do get it, there is a 30-50% chance that the baby will get it, and then it could be POSSIBLY FATAL TO THE BABY! Who wants to risk that? I'm also loathe to give up sex altogether for the next 3 months, given that there won't be any sex for a while after the birth either, and these are our last months alone together for a long time without little ones in the house. He says it is up to me, whatever I am comfortable with. What would you do? Have any of you been in a similar situation? I'm leaning toward getting him on the acyclovir, buying a box of condoms, following all the guidelines, and having sex a few more times before the baby comes. TIA for any thoughts.

FireChiefsBride

I have no idea what I'd do in that situation- it's such a complex and personal issue. I just want to wish your family the best. Having an STD for 20 years cannot be easy to deal with, especially when there are new challenges like this and there's nothing you can really do about it.

rssnlvr

Personally, I probably would not be comfortable risking it. But I'm pretty cautious when it comes to things that could potentially kill my children. And even though you say "these are our last months alone together for a long time without little ones in the house," your LO is already there, in your life. It's already time to start modifying your behavior and lifestyle to accommodate that, IMO.

There are other ways to feel connected to your partner both emotionally and physically without having sex. 

kirknsarah

I'm with FCB--no real advice, except maybe to talk to your doctor? You hear about statistical things all the time, but so often those are studies done in labs that may not translate to real life. Your doctor may have real-life information for you.

I totally understand why you would be concerned about this, and I understand why you wouldn't want to go without sex for so long. Sorry you are having to figure this out.

MrsAJL

I think you mean HSV, not HPV. HPV will not cause harm to a developing fetus. HSV is usually only an issue if a mother has an active outbreak at the time of a vaginal delivery. Passage through the vagina during an outbreak could cause an infection in the baby.

There are many, many ways to having sexual intimacy that don't involve intercourse. But it's up to you. If you're worried about HSV transmission, then don't have sex. 

 

august8080

I haven't been in this situation and it's always easy to say what you would/wouldn't do hypothetically, but.....

I absolutely wouldn't risk it. We wouldn't be able to forgive ourselves if something did happen. I would definitely still seek to be physically intimate in other ways that are safe because I think it's important to maintain that.

I think it's common to have concerns about what sex/your sex life will be like after a baby and there is definitely a period of adjustment (remember my poll last week about boobs/BF and sex?!) but it can certainly go back to normal once the early post-partum period is over. So don't feel like you're nearing the end of your sex life as you know it forever (cue dramatic music). You can definitely have an enjoyable sex life after a child!

I think temporarily giving intercourse up for the safety of your child is the responsible decision to make. 

Chandley

rssnlvr:

Personally, I probably would not be comfortable risking it. But I'm pretty cautious when it comes to things that could potentially kill my children. And even though you say "these are our last months alone together for a long time without little ones in the house," your LO is already there, in your life. It's already time to start modifying your behavior and lifestyle to accommodate that, IMO.

There are other ways to feel connected to your partner both emotionally and physically without having sex. 

 

I have to agree with this

ACR

I would most definitely talk to my OB about his/her recommendation. I'd say your best bet is probably to ask DH to get on acyclovir for the duration of your PG and use condoms, but your Ob will be able to give you better info. It may be that the true risk to your child is if you have an outbreak while giving birth, but there isn't a large risk to baby while in utero. I'm not sure of the details here!

SarahPLiz

MrsAJL:

I think you mean HSV, not HPV. HPV will not cause harm to a developing fetus. HSV is usually only an issue if a mother has an active outbreak at the time of a vaginal delivery. Passage through the vagina during an outbreak could cause an infection in the baby.

There are many, many ways to having sexual intimacy that don't involve intercourse. But it's up to you. If you're worried about HSV transmission, then don't have sex. 

 

THis. I have it. I had a vaginal delivery. My Dr. Planned on giving me Valtrex the month before my due date but we didn't get that far. They gave it to me when I was in the hospital a week before I delivered and everything was fine. Your risk is no greater than mine, and actually less since you have yet to contract it.

If you don't want to risk infection, because truth told it is an awful and painful thing to have during an outbreak, then don't do it, but your risk of contraction now isn't any higher than your risk of contraction was before you started TTC. Whatever method you used to protect yourself then is also good now.

 

In case it is relevant, I haven't had an outbreak in a couple years and I'm not on any maintenance antivirals.  

Abrooks

I would definitely have you and your DH talk to your OB about it. She will know the most and be able to best answer your questions.  HSV is a common STD and many woman have it and have babies. So I am certain your OB will be able to speak to you about this and answer all your questions and give you a lot more insight into the virus and what she would recommend.

kiarox2002

I don't know anything about this other than what I just read in your post, but given that info I would not risk it.  I was *super* cautious while I was pregnant though.  (no caffeine, no artificial sweeteners, etc.)

2 things.  1.  There are plenty of ways to have sexy time that don't involve intercourse.  I would explore some of those.  2.  (TMI) DH and I have a much better sex life now than we did before we had Kate.  I think that a lot of that has to do with the face that it took us 2 years to get pregnant.  Fertility treatment sex was not that much fun.

Good luck with whatever you decide! 

agran

rssnlvr:

Personally, I probably would not be comfortable risking it. But I'm pretty cautious when it comes to things that could potentially kill my children. And even though you say "these are our last months alone together for a long time without little ones in the house," your LO is already there, in your life. It's already time to start modifying your behavior and lifestyle to accommodate that, IMO.

There are other ways to feel connected to your partner both emotionally and physically without having sex. 

 Ditto... find another way. 

Persa

SarahPLiz:

MrsAJL:

I think you mean HSV, not HPV. HPV will not cause harm to a developing fetus. HSV is usually only an issue if a mother has an active outbreak at the time of a vaginal delivery. Passage through the vagina during an outbreak could cause an infection in the baby.

There are many, many ways to having sexual intimacy that don't involve intercourse. But it's up to you. If you're worried about HSV transmission, then don't have sex. 

 

Your risk is no greater than mine, and actually less since you have yet to contract it.

  This is entirely incorrect. While she may not be at higher risk of contracting hsv than she was at any other time,  She is the highest risk group for passing it on to the baby, which is women who have a primary outbreak close to time of delivery. I would absolutely not risk it. Congenital or neonatal herpes is a devastating disease. 

MrsAJL

You know, this is a hard decision, only made harder by the fact that none of us on this board are OB/GYNs.   That being said, I think you have to do what's right for you.

I wasn't having sex at the end of either pregnancy because of PSD. I had incredible pain in my hips and it just made intercourse very uncomfortable. My husband survived. I survived. It was not hard to get creative and still be intimate with one another.

I think you need to talk to your doctor about the real risks of your situation. No one here can tell you that. Second, if those risks seem acceptable to you, then go forth and do as you see fit, with the proper precautions taken. That is what I would do.

SarahPLiz

Persa:

SarahPLiz:

MrsAJL:

I think you mean HSV, not HPV. HPV will not cause harm to a developing fetus. HSV is usually only an issue if a mother has an active outbreak at the time of a vaginal delivery. Passage through the vagina during an outbreak could cause an infection in the baby.

There are many, many ways to having sexual intimacy that don't involve intercourse. But it's up to you. If you're worried about HSV transmission, then don't have sex. 

 

Your risk is no greater than mine, and actually less since you have yet to contract it.

  This is entirely incorrectWhile she may not be at higher risk of contracting hsv than she was at any other time,  . She is the highest risk group for passing it on to the baby, which is women who have a primary outbreak close to time of delivery. I would absolutely not risk it. Congenital or neonatal herpes is a devastating disease. 

This is what I was saying. Her risk of contracting is less. Therefore her risk of anything happening is less than mine since I already have it.  Its up to her, though. I just think that if she has successfully avoided contraction so far that there is no additional risk of contraction just because she is pregnant. Sorry if that was misinterpreted. 

esbeek

Thanks all. It's great to read all the different replies. It's helping me sort out my own feelings and clearing out the most dangerous: avoidance, which I've definitely been practicing up until now. (Avoiding sex for the most part, but also avoiding making a clear decision and advocating for myself and my baby. My husband is having a hard time facing up to this too, but I think it is ME who has to be ultimately responsible ... another interesting twist in the equal rights/reproduction muddle)

I've got a call into my OB. I talked to one of the doctors in her practice about this last week, but realize now that I didn't get a straightforward enough recommendation. I'll keep people posted on her recommendation, if there is interest.

mlf625

If there's truly a risk, I don't even know why you'd go there.  Could you forgive yourself if you lost your baby for a night or two of sex?

brideonjuly8

It wouldn't even be something I'd consider doing.  Sex in the third tri was not very pleasing or appealing to me anyway, and sex the first few months after a vaginal delivery won't be very appealing either, most likely.  Once you feel normal again there will be plenty of opportunity to have sex.  Just because you'll have a baby doesn't mean you can't find a few minutes of alone time when you need it.

And if you're just too randy to stand it, there are lot of other options that don't include intercourse.   

EGMphoto

I'm sorry that you have to deal with this - but I can't really imagine considering it for even a second. 

Ditto a few others - is it worth it?

ALSO ditto others, if it makes you feel any better - 3rd tri sex was completely ridiculous and far from enjoyable for me.

austxgrl

esbeek:

Thanks all. It's great to read all the different replies. It's helping me sort out my own feelings and clearing out the most dangerous: avoidance, which I've definitely been practicing up until now. (Avoiding sex for the most part, but also avoiding making a clear decision and advocating for myself and my baby. My husband is having a hard time facing up to this too, but I think it is ME who has to be ultimately responsible ... another interesting twist in the equal rights/reproduction muddle)

I've got a call into my OB. I talked to one of the doctors in her practice about this last week, but realize now that I didn't get a straightforward enough recommendation. I'll keep people posted on her recommendation, if there is interest.

I have to disagree with you on this.  You BOTH are this child's parents and it is up to you BOTH to make the most healthy decisions for your child TOGETHER.  Having a child is a lifetime of making decisions with your partner for your child.  This is the first of many many decisions you and your husband will have to make together.  You both need to start communicating about this now before the baby comes or, I'm afraid, it will be very hard on your relationship after the baby arrives. 

And, as other posters have said, there are so many fun ways for you and your DH to satisfy each other's sexual cravings that don't involve intercourse.  Experiment a little.  It will bring y'all even closer and will give you guys more options if he were to have a breakout after the baby comes.  Get creative with it!!  That is never a bad thing!