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Anyone here with older SN children?
I have twin sons about to turn 19 with a host of difficulties, and while I realize most of you have little ones, I am wondering if any of you have older children?
Sometimes I just need to scream from the virtual rooftops, but maybe this isn't the right forum...
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Re: Anyone here with older SN children?
Hi Auntie!
Right now, we have most of the transition into adulthood issues handled from a services stand point. But I'm struggling with how much freedom to provide for DS2. DS1 has been in a residential setting since 13, and will continue to live there for the forseeable future, as there really is no other option (and he is happiest there as well).
But DS2, who has more skills (both suffer greatly from the effects of FASD, prematurity, and especially DS1 schizophrenia) lives semi indepedently with us - he lives in his own apartment on our property, so with a physical separation, but still joins us for meals, relies on us for just about everything else.
Right now my biggest concern (and I'm reluctant to post about it on some of the other boards with older SN issues, since it always blows up into a politically correct nightmare) is with DS2's desire to have a girl friend. He's been attending a social club for similar adults since September and it has been quite good for him in many ways. One of the ladies who attends is quite sweet on him, if for nothing else than she loves his curly hair. She's invited him over for dinner after Christmas and he accepted.
He has very little in the way of social skills, and I'm so nervous for the both of them, although I'm sure whatever happens, it will be okay in the end.
But it also means that we can't put off any longer the idea that he might actually choose to have sex. And he isn't capable of grasping the concept of safe sex, both from the stand point of not understanding consequences, and also would likely be unable to use a condom, no matter how much we might practice.
DH thinks a vastectomy might be in order, and I suppose he might be right. But I am probably overthinking things, and it sure isn't helping.
He is absolutely unable to be a parent, and has no desire to be a parent., Suffice it to say, children are naturally given to the types of behaviors that he hates to be around, and until his sister turned 6, he could hardly stand to be around her.
But it doesn't feel like my decision to make, and yet, he can't make the decision on his own.
I just, ugh, okay, more than anything needed to vent. Sometimes it feels like we clear one hurdle and another crops up.
What a difficult position to be in. On one hand, he is not mentally an adult that can understand and deal with the consequences of his actions. On the other hand, the option is a very permanent one.
I'll be honest (and others may not agree), if your son is incapable of understanding the implications of sex and is unable to handle the responsibility....I would lean towards making the decision for him as you have his entire life (and probably will for the indefinite future) and would opt for the vastectomy. While this won't prevent STDs, it will prevent babies which he cannot raise nor pay for.
Sometimes making parenting decisions stinks.
Thanks ladies.
Yes, we do have guardianship, and we have to support of his physician so it would be relatively easy to accomplish.
He's been working hard on his social skills on these types of situations, but still lacks overall impulse control. For this get together, he'll be going to the young lady's house where her parents are, and they'll be there the whole time, which helps. But eventually, I know the time may come and the whole "does he know when to stop" thing is my worst case scenario, you know? He has no skills at reading social reactions in new situations.
In fact, the main reason his brother has been in a residential setting since puberty is sexual issues. We dodged a bullet because we truthfully waited to long to admit he could not be out and about (and listened a bit too much to an enthuiastic, well meaning, but blissfully nieve young therapist). He's classic FASD with the exception of physical growth, as both are over 6 foot tall and over powering, physically.
I guess I know what we need to do, which is schedule the appointment, work hard on the increased social skills, and go from there. DH is right in that, to complicate matters a bit more, he himself cannot support a child, but we own a ranch as a family, and live in a rural area where everyone knows everyone's business and finances. It isn't completely far fatched to imagine a scenario where he could be taken advantage of for access to his family money.
On a positive note, hope for those with children as they grow - his social club has been amazing. While the first few evenings could best be described as appearing that the room had magnetic walls that pulled the attendees to the edges by tremendous force, given time, they warmed up, made friends, dance, giggle, and run in social circles so amazingly complex, wonderful, and completely all their own. Given an environment where they make their own social rules, and enough time, they've developed their own little social corner of the world that makes no sense to us outsiders, but perfect sense to this group of young adults.
Thanks for letting me vent!