advice/support needed

mrs.schmitty

Hey Ladies, I'm not a military wife yet but DH is seriously consider joining the military as a psychologist in training. To do this, he would need to enlist as an officer. It would be a great opportunity for him and he really wants to do it, but he wants to make sure that I'm okay with it. On the one hand, I know it would be good for us in terms of security and stability but obviously I have some concerns.

My biggest concerns are having to move away from family, raising our 1 year old son without family support, knowing that DH could be deployed and might also have to be away from home more often for training, etc, and having to put my career on hold.

 How do you ladies do it? Is it hard on your marriage? On your child(ren)?

Any advice or support is greatly appreciated. I really want to be supportive of him but I'm also trying to be realistic that this is a decision that can't be easily undone. I keep telling myself that it's only 4 years and that it's the least we can do to support our country and the people who serve it.

NSL

Yes, it's hard.  IMO, the hardest thing about military life is the uncertainty.  We have no idea when H will deploy again, no idea if we'll still be stationed here in a year's time, and no control over these very important things that affect our entire family.  My H feels passionately about his military service (which is a good thing since he owes 8 more years on his contract) so we make the most of things, and there are definite pluses to military life, but overall I wouldn't choose this lifestyle for myself if I had it to do all over again.

lobabyx3

It definitely isn't easy, but it is worth every bit of it. But let me tell you, be prepared to have him gone for a while, especially going the Officer way. H is an officer, although he commissioned from college, but my friend is doing OCS. Yes the uncertainty is one of the worst things, because you never know where you will be. And you will more than likely have to move away from your family and friends. But the new family and friends you will make are just as amazing, and the best part about it, they know exactly how you feel because they are going through the same thing. As long as you have a good strong marriage before hand, you should have no issue if he does enlist.

meltoine

It depends on your personality and your expectations.

I was never bothered by the idea of living away from family. I moved 400 miles away long before I met my H. I always planned to travel a lot and I had chosen a career path that would allow me to do so. My career is mostly on hold now (I'm working outside my field) by I always envisioned traveling and moving a lot, so it wasn't a change for me. I also love being alone. I love my H, don't get me wrong, but a few weeks to myself is not hard to handle at all. My H has not been deployed since I met him, but he's gone on a few long TDYs (trips away) and several 3-5 day ones. We were also separated for 2 months early this year for his job. I've never minded it.

My H was also already commissioned (officers commission into the military, enlisted members enlist) when I met him, so our relationship hasn't known anything but this lifestyle, therefore I can't say that it's been hard on our relationship because I don't know what our relationship would be like outside of this life. Obviously, DS was also born long after he was already in, so he's never known anything different and we've never raised a child outside the military. I like that DS will get to experience all kinds of places and new people. I think it will be great for him to have those experiences.

Of the adults I've known who grew up as military brats, it seems that the introverted ones feel like social outcasts because of it, but the naturally outgoing people love it and have tons of friends all over the place.  

F15Wife

I am totally PRO military. I would absolutely flip out if we had to live life outside of the military. I think that living away from family makes your marriage and your family stronger personally. It has for us anyways. I think being away from family and that stability helps you to grow into your own person and makes you stronger. For example, when I was younger if you told me I would live through an overseas assignment with 2 kids, one who had pneumonia at 5 years old and the other with severe croupe at 3 years old all with my husband deployed I never would have believed you, but I did. You just figure it out!

We were enlisted for 6 years and decided to try life as civilians. We had a baby when we did this and it was aweful. It took us both working full time with me on day shift and my husband on graveyards to make it. ON top of that we had to buy our own insurance which we could only afford for the baby ect.....I realized how good we actually had it in the military and he really wanted back in so he commissioned back in and we've been in ever since.

We have a steady paycheck, health insurace, I got to see alot of the world while stationed in Europe (something that would have never happened on our own dime had we not been military), I get to stay at home with my babies, My husbands GI bill is putting ME through nursing school. With all the benefits do come sacrafices. Yes he deployes but ya know what, there are many more with it much harder than our deployment schedule so I try to be positive in that way. My kids are growing up being exposed to many different places and cultures and they are being taught to be flexible and to be happy and grateful for what they have in that given moment. I personally love moving and getting new houses every 3 years or so (dont' ask me that when I'm in the throws of a move) and seeing new places. Basically, I'm just plain proud of what we do as a family and what my husband does for his country.

What it all boils down to is that its going to be what you make of it. Period! You either are going to hate it and live in that mindset or you're going to love it and make the best out of everything you can.

 

skooz

As some other people have said, your experience depends on what you make of it. There are some definite benefits: health care, housing costs, and access to anything on base. We take advantage of the gym ALL the time, and if DH wasn't in the military we'd be paying $50-100 a month (easily) for a comparable facility. But that's just one example.

DH hasn't deployed yet, but we've been apart for months at a time for training. It's hard when he's is gone. There's really no way to get around that, but you'll get to the end of your time apart and realize you made it and you're both fine. The upside of DH being gone in my opinion is it helps me not take our time together for granted. I don't know how it would be different/harder if you throw kids into the mix though since our first isn't due until next year.

As far as moving away from family that probably depends on your personal comfort level. When we moved (our first move was 1600 miles away from the closest family) I think we grew closer as a couple and it helped us realize that really we just needed each other and we could get through whatever came our way. Even if you live far from family, that doesn't mean you don't have their support. Skype can help you feel connected even if you're far away.

I'm glad DH joined the military (although I certainly had concerns when he first brought up the idea) and we've had some really great experiences that I know for sure we would've missed out on if he hadn't joined. As you said, you're only committing for 4 years, so if the lifestyle isn't a good fit for your family then you could end it at 4 years. Good luck with your decision!

ashleylach

Do you know if your DH is enlisting and then going through OTS?  I'm just asking because I've been told by alot of officers and officers wive's that the military isn't really taking many officers these days because they cost too much money (higher salaries and BAH) and the government has to cut spending.  I would be really cautious if he has to enlist first because they will promise things that won't actually happen (i.e. he'll stay enlisted even though he has a degree.) 

As for your other question, I am not a fan of military living but I'm also not living a traditional military life (on-base housing, wive's clubs, etc.)  I love the friends that I have made but I really miss being around my family 24/7.  To be honest you will probably hate it at first, but you'll grow into the lifestyle.  Sorry I wasn't trying to be blunt, but that's the best way to put it!

mrs.schmitty

Thanks so much ladies for responding. Sorry I am just following up. DH is actually competing for a spot as an APA intern with the Navy, Army and AF. If he gets it, then he would be commissioned as an officer. If he doesn't get a spot, he's not committed to anything. I've pretty much told him that I will support whatever he chooses to do but he's still worried about hard it will be on me. I am excited for some of the reasons you ladies have already mentioned - the opportunity to stay home with my son, getting to travel and possibly going back to school myself. But at the end of the day, I know it will be hard for me to leave my family. We are very close. I also hate being alone so the idea of DH being away for long periods of time scares the sh!t out of me but luckily I know I can always come home or have family friends come stay with me if I need to. I am with some of you ladies in thinking that if nothing else it will make me stronger.

 Thanks again.