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Preemies
today is my due date...
Well, it's officially my due date. It's a bittersweet day. Obviously the most important thing is that our baby Olly is healthy and doing well. I do feel sad that I missed out on a chunk of my pregnancy, and miss being pregnant. I feel like I missed out on that feeling of my due date coming and being anxious and excited and nervous about him coming, and having the choice to give birth to him naturally, when I ended up having a c section. i know you ladies understand what it feels like because everyone i even mention it to they say, "but he's healthy and that's all that matters" but i feel like I missed out on something. in the end I am so grateful for the hospital that saved his life. i'm feeling a bit emotional just thinking about it, but I am trying to focus on the positive and that we have our little miracle baby here.
The main thing that has been hard for me is the breastfeeding and providing him with enough milk. i had such high hopes for it and thought it would be this amazing thing. well, it's been the most stressful thing i have had to deal with. just dealing with the guilt of it all, and then the constant reminder every time i leave the house. how crazy is it that strangers at the post office, or even in the lineup of walmart see me with my baby and ask if i'm breastfeeding because it's just oh so important and i really need to be doing it.
the thing that has traumatized me the most has actually been my whole midwife experience. From the beginning I had these hopes to have my baby naturally, have a water birth, be surrounded by a positive and encouraging and supportive midwife. when we moved out here in the middle of my pregnancy, we found a birth center that took our insurance, and it seemed like all we wanted for a birth would happen. the whole point i wanted a midwife was because it felt more personal, it felt supportive. well, this midwife has been one of the most negative people i have met in my life. i told her my back was hurting pretty bad, so she tried to show me stretches, but i wasnt doing them right, so she started yelling at me to the point that the other midwife came in trying to calm her down and make light of the situation and help me with my stretches. then i had my glucose test done, and my levels were a little high she said, but i did not have gestational diabetes. she told me i had to go on a strict diet with no sugar, no potatoes, no fruit, no grains, no pastas, no breads, no rice, no dairy, the only thing i was allowed to eat were certain vegetables and meat, nothing else. well, i called her the next day to ask her about it because everyone i spoke to said they questioned this diet and that it wasn't healthy, including some nurses that i spoke to, and my midwife started yelling at me then. she said that if i didnt like the diet, i can just go to the hospital and have the baby there since im listening to nurses and their opinions. all i wanted was some reassurance. that is all. instead i was in tears, and didn't know who i could turn to if not my midwife. every appointment i went to, she would find something to yell at me about.
i went for my second last visit last week, for a check up after having my baby (my water broke at 33weeks and i ended up having my son by emergency c section in a hospital). although she came to see me at the hospital and was upset i even had a c-section (not like i had a choice) she asked me at my visit if i had a c section or had my baby naturally. it's crazy how she would forget who i was every time we met or had appointments, she would always confuse me with someone else, and didn't remember anything about me, which again seems crazy being a midwife. i've had friends who had such amazing experiences with midwives, where they felt so connected with them and felt important, and i so badly wanted that. instead i had the midwife from hell that was anti hospitals to the extreme, and yelled at me if i ever questioned her.
so anyways, i went to that last appointment last week, and told her that i was struggling with breastfeeding. i told her it seems like it's just not going to work out, and she said it's my fault becaue i'm not trying hard enough. i was in tears, and almost had a panic attack in there, because it's something that's been eating away at me, i feel a lot of guilt over, and feel like a failure when it comes to the whole gettin enough milk or breastfeeding. well, she told me to take my shirt off, and i am doing this in tears, crying, holding my baby, as she is trying to get milk out of my boob and then force the baby on there. she was so pushy and i'm crying, my baby is crying, and she's trying to force him on. it was honestly one of the most traumatizing things ive ever experienced. she then started yelling at me because i went to the hospital for a check up after having a c section. she said i shouldnt have let them check me out because it wasn't necessary. ummm, i had a c section, so yeah, im sorry but i think it's important i make sure i'm okay. she really hates hospitals. i spoke to one of the other midwives because i was so upset, and she was so nice to me, she said how great im doing, and gave me that reassurance that im doing okay and im a good mom. she also went on to tell me how many people they lose every month that leave and go to the hospital because they can't deal with the negative midwife. not just that, but this midwife yells at her employees all the time, and is mean not just to people like me that come in pregnant, but is mean to her employees. two of her employees have come to me saying they will be leaving the birth center to do their own thing. i can't imagine being in that negative environment all the time, especially since it's supposed to be a place where you feel at peace and calm and surrounded by people that support you and offer other options.
Overall, i just want to say today is a positive happy day. I am grateful to have my baby here, and healthy. i am grateful for such amazing hospital staff that saved my babies life, and mine as well. although things didn't go as planned, i feel so grateful that my baby is healthy and alive, and he's home with us. i have been really trying to give more and help others because i feel so lucky to have my son here. having him has changed me so much as a person, and i look forward to seeing him grow up.
If youve read this all, congratulations, you deserve a medal. i guess i just needed to vent about the midwife, and also just post about how ive been feeling.
Thank you ladies for always being there to listen and give advice. you are all amazing, and im so glad to have found this board.
This discussion has been closed.
Re: today is my due date...
This is deeply upsetting. I don't even know what to say. This midwife is terrible. Could you not switch? I'm sure you would have if you could. The part about her coming and groping you and forcing O on - no words. :`( Why would she do that? Has she never encountered or been taught to deal with preemie parents? I feel like she should have been your biggest comfort outside of DH because she worked so closely with you and new what your dream pg was and her job was to help you have it.
...and I read every word.
Would you consider letting us put it on the blog for other moms whose birth plan didn't work out?
I am so sorry your midwife treated you with such disrespect. Having a preemie is scary enough...and she should NEVER add to your stress!
I understand about the milk supply. My baby was born at 32 weeks 6 days. Two days later, I started to produce very little milk. Because he was getting nutrients through an IV...then a feeding tube...I only pumped. About a week later I completely dried up overnight. I was unable to get my supply back and felt a lot of guilt about that. I have had to just be okay that I gave my little boy what I could and that he is thriving now regardless. I put my heart in soul into everything I could for him, and I cannot start beating myself up or else I'd never make it.
Keep your head up! You are this stress purely because you LOVE your baby so much. You are a good mom...never forget that
Wow...I was almost in tears here reading your story! When my due date came, I felt the same things you are feeling...it is hard to NOT feel guilty! Your midwife was awful and I hope that you dont go back to her! I really wanted to BF too, but after DS was in the hospital for so long, it just didnt work out. One of the nurses in orientation did the same thing with DS and I when we first tried BFing by shoving his head onto my boob while yanking his jaw open...I was LIVID! Maybe your NICU can recommend a lactation consultant for you...?
I hope that your day stays positive...:::hugs:::
Happy due date! Today is my due date also.
I'm sorry to hear you went through such a horrible experience. I hope you never have to deal with something like that again.
Your midwife sounds AWFUL and abusive! I really hope you can shake the things she said, because clearly her issues have NOTHING to do with YOU!
Have you thought about finding a lactation consultant or breastfeeding support group that can be that positive, encouraging voice that we all need. My LC and support group are awesome and keep me sane. Plus it's nice to meet other mommas and realize that even if Henry had come at term we likely still would have faced our struggles BF- it seems like everyone has something! Can you do something nice for yourself today, something that you wouldn't be doing if you were still pregnant. Maybe a little shopping spree, fun takeout/delivery, or a mani/pedi. Sometimes taking care of yourself is the best way to help your supply along too!
BFP#2 3/16/11, beta 138; 4/12 Baby/HB DS born 9/10/11 at 29w4d due to partial abruption and PTL
BFP#3 8/19/13 Another boy! 17P, modified bedrest and Nifedipine helped us have a termie! DS2 born 4/19/14 at 38w5d.
Thanks for reading my novel of a post, so long. And yeah, I kept trying to switch many times, but her birth center was the only one that would accept our insurance, and if we went anywhere else, it would have cost at least $8000 more since our insurance only covered part of the pregnancy. Since I had such bad hospital experiences, I didn't even think going to a hospital was an option. But luckily with how it all ended up, the nurses and doctors at the hospital we went to (Loma Linda Hospital) were the most amazing and caring people.
The midwife was horrible, and I want to write a review about her online so others don't go to her. It's unfortunate because midwives are supposed to be such calm and nice people, but she is the opposite.
And sure, if you want me to write it out better for the blog, I can. Thanks
Thanks for writing, it's nice to feel like I'm not alone in the struggle to breastfeed. Maybe it would have been different if he was a full term baby and came home right away, but him being in the NICU and us only going once or twice a day to see him since it was a ways from us, that didn't help things. It's just something I have to accept, and I'm sure in time it'll get easier.
As for the midwife, she asked me to fill out a page with feedback on the experience there. I definitely will, and also add a list of things I was unhappy about.
Thanks for reading and commenting
you're so nice, thank you! It's nice not to feel alone in it. I never thought the breastfeeding would be this huuuuge stressful thing that would happen after he was born. In time, I'm sure I will let it go and it'll get easier.
thank you for reading and commenting. the midwife was seriously the midwife from hell. she is in a position to help women and make them have a more positive and natural experience, and instead she does the opposite. she talks down to people and is so mean. thanks for understanding, and we are enjoying him here and focusing on the positive today as much as possible.
thank you for reading and commenting. i struggle with the guilt every day, and hopefully in time it will fade. isn't it the worst when people are forceful and pushy with the breastfeeding? it should be a more relaxed thing instead of grabbing your baby and forcing him on. i would think that would be counterproductive as the little one probably ends up scared afterwards.
and thanks, we are staying positive today as much as possible.
happy due date to you too! and thank you for the kind words. There's a lot of positivity that came out of the experience, so i'm trying to focus on that
THank you!
Yes, she is very mean and totally abusive, not just to her patients, but to her employees too. they have had to deal with so much, and she puts them down all the time, i've seen it so many times.
I actually just got a call from the hospital and the lactation specialist, so i will be calling her back and see what kind of support they can offer. i'm almost at the point of giving up on it, and just move on and focus on other things I am able to do for my baby. it's just been so stressful.
and yes, we will have a nice special day today. my husband and i opened some presents and will spend some time together. just trying to focus on the positive. thanks for writing!
Happy due date to both of you!! I haven't hit my due date yet, but I already know it will be an emotional day. So, thank you for sharing your feelings, it makes me feel like the feelings I am having are "normal".
thank you! don't worry, it'll be okay. i dreaded it and it wasnt as bad as i thought. sure i had my emotional moments where i cried, but then just tried to keep busy, and try and focus on the positive. you'll be fine, don't worry