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Pre-School and Daycare
Can we talk about favoritism?
I want to start out by saying that I don't have an actual question, I'm just looking for some other perspectives, or general advice if you have it.
I am an only child and am quite close to both my parents. I was also not an easy baby or young child (so the stories go). Now I have two daughters, our oldest was and is quite a handful. She was colicky, and seemed to cry a ton right from the start. To this day she cries whenever something upsets her, despite being very well spoken and easy to understand. She can be very defiant, difficult etc...
My youngest daughter is a very `easy` baby. She barely cries, in fact our eldest daughter probably cries more than she does. She is super smiley, easygoing, patient, sleeps great, and is very portable. I realize a big part of the difference in their demeanors is because of me. When I was a new mom I was a huge stress case, and now a days I am more relaxed and can let things go. Also, I obviously have more experience with a baby, whereas everything my older daughter goes through is uncharted territory for DH and I.
I hate do admit it, but sometimes dealing with my older daughter just feels so hard. It seems to be an uphill battle every day, take all of my patience etc. Like if it`s not one thing it`s another. Also, because I am less stressed with my second baby, I find I am really enjoying her babyhood which I did not nearly as much with my first.
I feel bad for feeling this way. I really want to be careful that this doesn`t become an issue later on. My eldest daughter is very smart, funny, and good with other kids. She is a great eater and sleeper which is a bonus for us. I really do love her a ton, I just have no experience with sibling issues whatsoever. I want my girls to be best friends, not jealous of one another. So far my toddler seems enamored with the baby, thankfully. I`m just not sure how to frame this in my own mind. Sorry for rambling...
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Re: Can we talk about favoritism?
I could have written this same post when my 2nd was a baby. Everyone commented on how cute he was and what a happy little guy he was. He talked early and really well and was constantly the focus of every stranger's attention and adoration. (I think the glasses had something to do with that too...) My older son was a miserable baby - very needy and not a super smiley or overtly happy kid.
I'll be frank with you that while I totally understand your guilt it probably isn't as bad as you think it is.
My 2nd baby was SOOO much easier too and I adored him for it. Mean while I had a 2 yr old to deal with (and then a 3 yr old, etc) and they're not known for being easy in general but as a first time toddler Mom I felt mine was particularly difficult. I can't tell you how many parenting books I read because I felt so lost at how to help him behave and be a happier kid.
Here's something to make you maybe not feel so bad:
Now that they're older? Total role reversal. My super easy 2nd baby turned into the biggest boundary tester and button pusher I have ever seen. EVERYTHING with him is a battle and he wears me out regularly. The big private joke between DH and I is that out of our 3 kids he's gonna be the one to give us a run for our money. I will not be the least bit shocked if he ends up suspended from school, knocking up a girlfriend, into drugs, etc. The flip side (and what's kept him alive this long) is that when he's sweet he is SO freaking sweet it would make you sick: "How was your work, Mamma?" or "I need Mamma snuggles". He's the snuggliest kid you'll ever meet and since touch is my main love language I eat it up and have a bond with him that's unlike any other in my life and I cherish him for it.
My now 5.5 yr old is the sweetest, most laid back, giving, loving guy you'd ever meet. He makes me smile constantly. He adores everything school related and sits happily at the table doing "school" type stuff for over 2 hours. He walks away from drama at school and home and rarely cries or even expresses the tiniest bit of disappointment or upset. Keep in mind that when he was 2-3 this kid could throw a tantrum that lasted over an HOUR complete with bashing his head against the floor for maximum drama effect!
So... it may well be that in general different kids are easier and different stages.
What I'm learning now is that each of them bring totally different things to my life in both the good and the challenging columns. I think over time you'll find that as they age each of them will present different challenges and bring different joys so over time it all kinda evens out and the guilt lessens a bit.
My best wish for you is that you've always got one of them in the "joy" stage while the other is in the "ultra challenging" stage cause when they're both tough life is HARD.
One trick I've learned is to try to reframe my kids' challenging behaviors. For example.... when one of them wears me out with defiance I try to think of all the ways being head strong may benefit them as adults - ie: leadership qualities, standing up for what he believes is right even when it's tough, not being gullible, etc.
Hang in there Mamma. Let go of some of the guilt. I promise it gets SO much easier once they're both past 4-ish!!
Total score: 6 pregnancies, 5 losses, 2 amazing blessings that I'm thankful for every single day.
I can relate too, even though both of my girls are/were fairly easy. There are many times when I feel like I'm favoring DD2, at first because she was a sweet new baby who needed my near-constant attention, and now because she's in that adorable toddler stage where she's learning and experiencing new things in amazement. Meanwhile DD1 is also very sweet, but she's a four-year-old, and with it comes whining and defiance that sometimes drives me over the edge. I'll admit that my patience has gotten much shorter since having two kids, and it's often DD1 that gets the blame since I feel like she should know better (and I often have to remind myself that she is only four and sometimes really doesn't know better).
Whenever I catch myself seemingly favoring one over the other, I try to stop and give a little back to the other one. If I shower one with kisses or tickles for no reason, I'll often grab the other and do the same. If one gets a treat, the other does too -- as if I have a choice!
I think it's normal, or at least that's what I tell myself. lol. I think as long as you balance out your attention and praise over time, you (and they) will be fine.
Both I and my mom could have written your post. While, Dd1 is a great girl, happy loving, eager to please, follows the rules, she is way more needy than her little sister. Little sis was also an easier baby, when dd2 was little I had the same guilt and reflections on my mothering that you do. The girls are very close and very lovey lovey (don't get me wrong, they totally bicker over toys etc, but for the most part they do great together). When dd2 was little, I tried to spend more time with dd1. She needs and still does the one on one special time. It really helped her behavior and overall mood.
My mom had a first baby girl who was a very difficult baby and child. They still work on their relationship. I was the easy baby and the happy easy child. To this day I am very close with both my sister and my mom.
My parents worked hard to make sure that disagreements did not equal dislike. There were three of us in total, and we were quite spread out (4-5 years between each child). There will be differences, everything cannot be the same but the level of love can be. Dh is an only child and was really worried about this bc he had no experience with it and his dad was the clear favorite. Being aware is a huge step.
When my dd1 is in a funk or acting out, she goes to her room for some down time or a TO and I will go in after a while, and either huge it out, or say to her "who loves you?" and list all the people that love her starting with me (or dadda if he is the one to have sent her to her room) or I repeat my mom's mantra "I love you, I will always love you, it doesn't matter how big you get or where you go, you will always be my precious baby." Then we talk about the behavior or action if need be.
Now that she is 4, this rarely happens. She is normally the one that is all set and the little one is headed into that phase. Hang in there, it gets easier.
My oldest child is on the Spectrum (incredibly high functioning). He is just a total delight but he is also a 24/7 handful
My twins are typical in development and while Rachel does have mild Cerebral Palsy they really are doing well. It is night and day.
Honestly it is easier when it is just the twins. They are just very delightful little guys. Harmon tries me (and everyone else). I've had to really challenge myself to get to know him. We go on "dates" at least a couple times a week. We laugh and have just a ton of fun. It has helped me when he is pushing me to my edge to get those moments of seeing this little boy at his best. Just today I let him go do errands for work before I took him to school. He sang to me the whole time!!!
I think it is natural to have a sense of gravitation towards the easier child/children in the home. I just try to make sure and balance that with some quality time with the one who is struggling. It gives me a closeness to a child I might otherwise not be connecting with.