It's been awhile!

DKC1308

Hello all!

I have just completed my exams and am one step closer to completing my first year in med school. It has been a tough few weeks to say the least.

The tree is up, our stockings are up, and we have a few presents wrapped. It's only 11 days until Christmas and this year feels as if the "holiday spirit" has been sucked right out of it. I know that, in time, it will become a different feeling and maybe I won't even notice the gap in our lives. 

We originally had a cruise booked for Christmas but sadly my grandmother was diagnosed with stage 3 breast cancer two weeks ago. We have decided to stay and celebrate with our families instead. 

I've realized how jaded I have allowed myself to become through all of this. With the news of my grandmother I had this clarity feeling. Even if we can not have children we are not without family. At some point or another I have got to embrace this and hold tight to it. Or else I will find myself living my worst fear...being alone. 

Family can be anyone. It doesn't have to be a mom, dad, and baby. It is whoever you love and can't live without. I want a life of love, memories, and so much happiness. I constantly pull myself down into this black pit of worry. Allowing my mind to run with these thoughts of how I'll never have a family. We have isolated ourselves so much during this process. Pulled away from holiday events, not returned friends phone calls, and avoided people who have what we don't. How could we be so ridiculous? Not to say that it is ridiculous to do those things because it is definitely much needed while you are processing and healing. But these are people who love us and want to be apart of our lives.

My New Year's resolution is to be a better version of myself. To not allow this to define me our take over my future with my husband. 

I wish you all a happy holiday season!

BeckyP005

Yay for almost completing your 1st yr of med school...that's awesome!! I am also so sorry to hear about your grandma. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family during this hard time.

Your view of family is so true. I'm just quite not there yet. Still being resentful to few friends who are PG and/or have money for IVF. I'm hoping if we don't go through DE IVF I will find some peace with all of this. I NEED to because it will eat me up alive   Happy Holidays to you too!

hollymichael

Congrats on almost completing your first year of med school!

I am sorry to hear about your grandma. I am sure she will be very happy to have you with her over Christmas this year.

I agree with you about the definition of family. I have mentioned it on here before, but I live in an area and work in an industry with a lot of people in "non traditional" situations. So, I think that has helped me to see that not everyone is part of a married couple with children. Most of them still seem happy to me.

I know that the holidays are a hard time for many of us on this board, but they don't really get me down all that much. I was trying to think about why that might be, as I feel like I should be sad this time of year.

I think it has to do with my mom. I come from a very small family--I am an only child (due to secondary IF), my mom is an only child, my dad has a brother who had kids, but they were usually far away for the holidays. So, our celebrations were always very small. My mom wanted a big family, yet she never let this get her down. She always approached Christmas with so much enthusiasm. To this day, she is always excited for Christmas and gets really into it, even though she doesn't have any grandchildren to spoil. Anyway, I think watching her example made me realize that you can still enjoy Christmas, even if it isn't going to be exactly how you planned.

Happy Holidays!

BeckyP005

Holly...love how your mom is