my mom isn't super supportive of VBAC — The Bump
VBAC

my mom isn't super supportive of VBAC

Everytime I bring up plans for my VBAC when talking to my mom, she kind of tunes me out.  (we only speak on the phone as we live on opposite ends of the country)  She didn't think my c-section with my son was a big deal, when it really was for me and it took me a long time to emotionally recover.  Tonight I was telling her about a possible doula we found and I could just tell she wasn't interested at all.  She also keeps telling me how other women have RCS and manage just fine- I know it's not the end of the world but my goal is a VBAC.  It's just frustrating that she doesn't really seem to care about something that is so important to me.
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Re: my mom isn't super supportive of VBAC

  • My mother behaved the same at first, especially since she was an L&D nurse for 15 years.  It took a few "heart to heart" and "come to Jesus" talks with her before she finally stopped questioning and criticizing my decisions.  I forced her to look at the stats and come to grips with the reality that this was My labor, My baby, and My decision (well, mine and DH's LOL).  She ended up being so supportive of my VBAC and now shares my story with others she comes in contact with that are asking about VBACs.  

    Hang in there, and I hope your mom comes around soon!  (((hugs))) I know it's tough when you feel unsupported by your mom Sad 

    ~Sweet Girl *8/18/08* c-section ~ Sweet Boy *12/2/10* VBAC ~ Sweet Boy *8/14/12* VBAC~ 

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  • It isn't that my mom isn't supporting my decision, it just worries her.  She knows DD's birth was traumatizing for me.   She actually wasn't really supportive of my getting pregnant yet more than anything. She thought I was doing it for the wrong reasons, but I wasn't, I just want another baby.  And she really wanted me to wait until 18 months between deliveries, which didn't happen.  She is nothing but excited now about the baby.

    But she wants to know that VBAC is the safest option, which I am trying to convince her.  She works at a pharmacy, for a friend of mine.  They have been doing research on vbacs, and apparently not my ob,  lol.  they are freaks.  

    But I hope your mom comes around. Have you told her that you need to feel her support?  

    Me: 30 DH:32

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  • My mother was supportive of a VBAC but not my choice to go with a midwife.  However, I never gave her the chance to really voice her opinion because I just stated everything as facts.  But she was on board with the fact thatmajor surgery is major surgery and stupid to do for no reason.  And she was with me when I had my long recovery the first time.

    Try to show her the facts.  Don't get into the fights about the "emotional" stuff because then she'll just try to get you to get over it or some such comment that will only cause a fight.  If she doesn't come around, then just don't discuss it with her anymore.  Some people don't care to think that not all doctors have best interests in mind or that there are other options.

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  • My mom doesn't seem super supportive either, but there have been very few parenting decisions she has supported! She has entertained me with her first birth stories and answered questions about labor for me (I didn't get to really experience labor). In my family, not talking is a sign of disapproval. I just want so badly for my mom and sisters to encourage me. I know there are possible things to go wrong, and a RCS may be the end result. I don't want to hear that stuff from them. I know that stuff! My mom and sister both had sections. Mom: first-vaginal, second-emergency section for cord around sister's neck (sister who's had 2 sections), third-RCS with me bc of classical incision although VBAC was mentioned by the doctor then refused. Sister: first-emergency section for cord around baby's neck (weird huh?), second-chosen RCS. I just feel like mom has had a vaginal delivery and doesn't understand this feeling of loss. Sister just trusts doctors and could care less about the emotional side. No one in my family even understood why I was upset after DD's birth.
    Untraditionally Traditional Motherhood

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  • image holly321:

    It isn't that my mom isn't supporting my decision, it just worries her.  She knows DD's birth was traumatizing for me.   She actually wasn't really supportive of my getting pregnant yet more than anything.

     

    so, I could have written this myself.... This was an unplanned PG for us. My mom is o.k. with this VBAC, she also worked in the medical field for ages and is leary of all the "dangers" of VBAC.  She doesnt really understand my thought process for mental healing by doing this normally rather than via RCS. We have gotten to the point now where we just dont discuss the birth plan... safest and most comfortable for both of us.

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  • She's likely more worried for her daughter than worried about whether a VBAC is the route you go... with RCS being so much more common they are also (and I think falsely) getting the reputation of being safer.  It seems so simple, right?  Unless one takes in to account recovery for weeks.

    I'm dealing with a little of that mindset with my husband.  RCS seems less of a scary unknown, I guess.  And, yes, it is frustrating.

    I'm hoping your meeting with your doula, and the care one gives you later, will be very promising and supportive.  Assure your mother that it isn't that you are anti-c-section but that you are giving yourself the opportunity to have the safer, less invasive VBAC, but that you will be watched the entire time and you won't do anything to endanger the baby.  Perhaps she just wants that reassurance. 

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  • My mom was the same way until she talked to a friend who is an OB and he told her how many VBACs he had performed over the years and how he recommended it.  Then she really came around.  I think in her case she had had two vaginal births and really had no experience with c-sections and didn't understand why I would want to mess with things (as she saw it) when most people just had another section.  I think she was also afraid of the risks involved with VBAC.

    I will also say that she ended up being in the room for my VBAC and cannot stop talking about how amazing it was to see her grandchild born, so she definitely is for VBAC now.   

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  • It is frustrating not to have someone who should be one of your biggest supporters not fill that role. My mom is the same way. As many times as I've told her I am going to VBAC she refuses to listen. She keeps asking when my c-section is scheduled so that she can plan her trip up here. Maddening. She just knows the old once a c-section, always a c-section and can't get seem to get past that.

    The good news is, that this is our delivery and not our mothers' so they don't have to like it. 

    Laura


    BFP #1 4.20.09 Caroline 01/08/10

    BFP #2 11.6.10 m/c 11.23.10

    BFP#3 5/29/11 Landry 02.13.12

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  • I suppose she just doesn't "get it".  She has full faith in doctors & that they know best, and she had three vaginal (last one w/ epidural) births so like PP mentioned, she doesn't have that sense of loss a c-section can cause.  And I know she just wants what's best for me, but I just wish she was more supportive.  You all know how much you have to prepare & sometimes fight for a VBAC, so maybe she thinks I'm overthinking it?  I don't know. 

    Maybe if I'm successful she'll become one of those moms who shares my story to all her friends like she does with cloth diapers (we CD our son).  I expected this resistance from my SIL who's a doctor & not a mom, not my mom!

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  • image goodgolly_mrsmolly:

    I suppose she just doesn't "get it".  She has full faith in doctors & that they know best, and she had three vaginal (last one w/ epidural) births so like PP mentioned, she doesn't have that sense of loss a c-section can cause.  And I know she just wants what's best for me, but I just wish she was more supportive.  You all know how much you have to prepare & sometimes fight for a VBAC, so maybe she thinks I'm overthinking it?  I don't know. 

    Maybe if I'm successful she'll become one of those moms who shares my story to all her friends like she does with cloth diapers (we CD our son).  I expected this resistance from my SIL who's a doctor & not a mom, not my mom!

    If she has full faith in doctors, then why not just remind her that the doctor is supporting this also?  I hope it gets easier for you.  It's hard working with other generations on this.  There was a time that VBACs were the norm too!

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  • image wife07mom09:
    do what is best for you and your baby. however if you are still emotional about your delivery of DS Id see a therapist. those feelings should not cloud making the best medical decision for this baby

    I don't think I'm still in a place where I need to speak to someone.  I don't like that DS was born via c-section but I do know that in my case, it was necessary since my placenta was detaching and I was only 5cm.  If I tried everything in my power to have a VBAC and still had a RCS, I wouldn't be thrilled, but I would feel better knowing that I did try.

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  • image RandiDeeAnn:
    My mom doesn't seem super supportive either, but there have been very few parenting decisions she has supported! She has entertained me with her first birth stories and answered questions about labor for me (I didn't get to really experience labor). In my family, not talking is a sign of disapproval. I just want so badly for my mom and sisters to encourage me. I know there are possible things to go wrong, and a RCS may be the end result. I don't want to hear that stuff from them. I know that stuff! My mom and sister both had sections. Mom: first-vaginal, second-emergency section for cord around sister's neck (sister who's had 2 sections), third-RCS with me bc of classical incision although VBAC was mentioned by the doctor then refused. Sister: first-emergency section for cord around baby's neck (weird huh?), second-chosen RCS. I just feel like mom has had a vaginal delivery and doesn't understand this feeling of loss. Sister just trusts doctors and could care less about the emotional side. No one in my family even understood why I was upset after DD's birth.

    I'm just a lurker, we are just now TTC, but I am trying to find out as much as I can about VBAC now.

    I could have written the highlighted parts of your post.
    I feel silly, but even at 31, I want my mom to support my choices. Sadly, I don't think she'll agree with much when it comes to LO #2.

    Belly Bug <3 BFP June 11th, 2010 missed m/c July 7th, 2010

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