XP: Do I say something to my mom?

smitt2619

So my mom is visiting from out of town for the week.  She obviously doesn't see my kids on a regular basis.  Today I was running errands while my oldest was at preschool, so grandma was home with just DS2 (21m).  She commented on how well he plays by himself and that she mostly just supervised him playing all morning.  And now he is having a snack and instead of interacting with him, she's playing with her iphone.  I've been dropping hints, suggesting he play with the toys in the toy bin with grandma, but she'd rather just watch TV with him, and not even talk to him about what they are watching.  It's especially irritating because she rarely sees him and will make comments about that.  It's like she mostly just wants to co-exist in the same room and just watch her grandkids.  I know my kids can play well alone, but here's just chance to play with them or for them to get more adult interaction!  Do I say something more then just dropping hints?  She's the kind of person that gets offended easily when I ask her to do certain things (ex, she got a bit pissy when I asked her to be more quiet when the boys were trying to fall asleep).  Maybe it just makes me sad that she doesn't want to take the fullest possible advantage of the limited time she has with her only grandkids.     

ans1999

I wouldn't say anything. She is somewhat interacting with them. Some people are "players" and others prefer to sit back. I wouldn't take it as a sign she isn't into her grandchildren. 

jettagurl

I think this is a situation where you just bite your tongue.  You can't force her to have a certain type of relationship with your children, unfortunately. 

My MIL is similar in that when she comes to babysit, she is basically coming to supervise.  She brings a paper to read or a magazine, and relaxes with HGTV on.  She will feed/change diapers, but forget about her actually playing.  It's just how she is.

My dad/SM are total players....they will do nearly anything and everything with them (and with our dog, lol!).  

A couple years ago, I actually had a talk with my mom about her being such a flake.  She'd tell the kids she was going to do something, then not. She'd come down to spend the night (100 miles one way), then someone would call from her work and she'll jump at making a few extra dollar and leave.  She was exactly like this when I was a teen (after she divorced my dad).  Never could keep her word. I finally had a phone chat with her.  I told her that I'd dealt with her broken promises for years, and I wasn't putting my kids thru that.  I told her that when she come to spend the night, she better stay, and that if she told the kids she would do something (buy them something/take them somewhere) she needed to follow thru - that I wasn't dealing with her hurting them any more.  I reminded her that it was my job to protect them the best I could and I wouldn't put up with her hurting them like she did me.  I didn't talk to her for a month, but she hasn't done any of those things since (2-3 years).  

So, I'd let this go for now, but the next times she's one the phone groaning about not seeing/spending time with them, I'd remind her of the time she wasted. She may be hurt at first, but it's the truth.

 

smitt2619

Thanks for the advice everyone.  Probably best not to say anything direct just yet,maybe just keep dropping hints of suggesting activities they can do.  She does play with them, I guess it just still surprises me of how much they play by themselves when she is here to help when she talks up how excited she is.  I just it's just how my parents are.  Thanks for letting me vent a bit. 

Zenya

Definitely not.  That seems like a very 'new mom' complaint TBH.  (and I see you are not a new mom).

Mrs Manners

My MIL and FIL/SMIL are all like that. My parents are always on the floor interacting and playing or going outside with him so it's a vast difference in how the different sets if grandparents interact with him. In fact, FIL/SMIL now have a portable DVD player upstairs in the room ds stays iate hen visiting and they just send him up there to watch by himself. In their mind, they are spending time with him, even though they mostly just observe and don't actually interact. I think they just don't know how. 

MaxandRuby

Do we have the same mother?????

Seriously though, I've expressed my disappoint to my father but cannot say anything to my mom because shiit would just hit the fan as she would take it waaaaaaaay too personal and she would take it completely the wrong way.

So I guess what I'm saying is, realize that this is her and you won't change her. Is it worth the possible fight when in the end it won't change anything?

lsufan

I would not say anything.  I know you want her to take advantage of the time she has with them, but it's a little controlling to expect her to do it exactly your way. Some people just have a hard time playing with very young kids.  

smitt2619

MaxandRuby:

Do we have the same mother?????

Seriously though, I've expressed my disappoint to my father but cannot say anything to my mom because shiit would just hit the fan as she would take it waaaaaaaay too personal and she would take it completely the wrong way.

So I guess what I'm saying is, realize that this is her and you won't change her. Is it worth the possible fight when in the end it won't change anything?

Nah, I suppose it's not worth the possible fight.  Just had to vent a bit I guess.  I have been making suggestions of activities for them to do together, which has helped.  It's just hard to see them just watch tv while she plays with her iphone and then remember the times she complains about not seeing them enough.