Does anyone else feel.. re EBF

korpisar

I know I should just be happy that my little boy is healthy now. However... I still have guilty feelings about not EBF. I always wanted to EBF, however after 24 days in the NICU and then going back to work when DS was 9 weeks old, I was not able to breastfeed ever. I pumped for 8 weeks but was never able to establish a "good" supply. I just saw a post on my month board asking how many ladies were still EBF and it made me sad.... I know. Totally unreasonable in the whole scheme of things.... But still.... I just had to write this down as I was feeling sad about seeing that post. Sorry to be a downer tonight but just had to vent a little. Thanks.

KatFCo

I know just how you feel. I was never able to get anywhere close to full volume and never able to BF. NICU lactation consultants didn't help because they always seemed stumped as to why I wasn't up to "normal" volume. It made me feel like a failure and that there was something wrong with me.

Finally I realized...there was nothing wrong with me. That was just what happened. My daughter had to take formula and she's fine. I was unable to have the closeness of BFing her, but we still have a close relationship and she loves me and knows I love her.

I had to learn to overcome those guilty feelings and the feelings of preemie-sorrow (btw, my daughter is 4 and a half now, so it's been a while). Keep reminding yourself that you're doing everything you can to benefit your baby. Allow yourself to feel sad, but allow yourself to recognize yourself as a good mother.

MommynTeacher

Yes...just another thing to beat myself up about. I had a reduction in 1999 so it's great that I can produce anything but I just wish I could be at full capacity...I'm trying so hard! Just remember, every drop of BM is liquid gold, especially for our babies!

lemen99

Hugs! I think it's normal to feel a bit down about it not working out.  I wanted to BF Andrew and it didn't work out - - I EPed but that was awful.  I really wanted to EBF with #2, and with a 35-weeker I had a shot at it, but he was sleepy and my toddler has some special needs, and I was sick so I didn't have it in me.

I know they are OK, but I do wish I'd had that experience.

Snorkel30

I can so relate, and am going through this right now. 

I've been pumping but not as much as a lot of people get. I feel like everywhere I go, to the post office, to the store, see my landlord, everyone I see asks if I'm breastfeeding because of how important it is. I don't understand how it's anyone's business and I feel like I almost start crying every time someone asks me.  Our son latches on with the nipple shield, but I hardly ever do it because it takes so long. I know that sounds horrible, but I have my own business, and I can't just sit and work on breastfeeding 24 hours a day. 

I had this vision of what it would be like before he came. I had this whole plan that I would only breastfeed and I feel like I've totally failed at it, and then the constant reminder from family, friends and a billion strangers that keep asking, it makes it so much worse.

I just am so tired of beating myself up over it. It feels horrible. I don't pump as much as I should, so I'm sure it has a lot to do with it. I just feel burnt out with how everything happened, my son was in the nicu for almost 3 weeks so that made it difficult traveling back and forth and trying to pump at the hospital.

Sorry to go on about it, I just want you to feel like you're not alone. I know how you feel.  

lwmooney87

I was actually able to establish a good supply and EP for 5 months until I found out DD has a milk protein allergy and she has to have Alimentum formula. I was heart broken. She was never able to EBF though. I always wanted to be able to be a breast feeding mother but it just wasn't in the cards for us. The way I see it, as long as DD is happy and healthy...that's the only thing that matters. I do understand your guilt/sadness though.

ETA: I know I may get flamed for this...but I think alot of mothers that EBF and do for a while...like to kind of brag about it and make others feel bad about themselves. I will say that it is something to be proud of but sometimes I think it's a competition to see "who can do it the longest" or something. That's not saying every EBF mother does that, but I know there are some. At least you tried and your LO got your milk for a little while. I do still get sad though when I see those posts and/or hear people talking about it.

COmommy

lwmooney87:

 The way I see it, as long as DD is happy and healthy...that's the only thing that matters. 

I agree with this. You have to do what is best for yourself and your baby and if formula is what works, then do it.  I pumped for a month and a half when DD was born and my goal was to get her out of the NICU with my milk and I made my goal.  Once we got home, I used up my freezer stash and then switched to formula.  She is thriving on formula and I am much happier not attached to a pump anymore.  

urbanflowerpot

lwmooney87:

ETA: I know I may get flamed for this...but I think alot of mothers that EBF and do for a while...like to kind of brag about it and make others feel bad about themselves. I will say that it is something to be proud of but sometimes I think it's a competition to see "who can do it the longest" or something. That's not saying every EBF mother does that, but I know there are some. At least you tried and your LO got your milk for a little while. I do still get sad though when I see those posts and/or hear people talking about it.

No flames ever, but I read EBF so I entered the post thinking it was a question or something for someone who was. I'm sorry, OP and PPs, and I hope I've never meant you feel this way. I will cheer anyone on who wants/needs to hear it but I'll also encourage moms to stop. I can easily imagine how frustrating/upsetting it is because it took me four months to EBF - very long, difficult, emotional months. I'm proud of myself for seeing it through but I also know that I was in a position where the problem was DS and not my supply. I don't know why people care if you are/how long you have been - I don't like talking to people about my BM because it's weird. I don't want them thinking about my boob juice.

Anyway, when I was struggling I found the BF board a harsh place to be because they'd always say I was doing it wrong (I wasn't - DS was nipple confused) and that we should see a LC right away so they could fix us. I saw LC's for 58 days!!!!!!! and we weren't BF'ing for a couple months after that. It was super annoying.

SushiNoMore

lwmooney87:

I was actually able to establish a good supply and EP for 5 months until I found out DD has a milk protein allergy and she has to have Alimentum formula. I was heart broken. She was never able to EBF though. I always wanted to be able to be a breast feeding mother but it just wasn't in the cards for us. The way I see it, as long as DD is happy and healthy...that's the only thing that matters. I do understand your guilt/sadness though.

ETA: I know I may get flamed for this...but I think alot of mothers that EBF and do for a while...like to kind of brag about it and make others feel bad about themselves. I will say that it is something to be proud of but sometimes I think it's a competition to see "who can do it the longest" or something. That's not saying every EBF mother does that, but I know there are some. At least you tried and your LO got your milk for a little while. I do still get sad though when I see those posts and/or hear people talking about it.

I appreciate this perspective.  I'm one that is still BFing my son at 10.5 months.  It was certainly a battle (he was born at 26 weeks, and I EPed while he was in the NICU. We were eventually able to get to nursing full-time before I had to start pumping again at work), but I'm proud of how far we've come.  I think we'll make it to a year, which has always been my goal.

That being said, the bolded part gives me the perspective that, while I might be celebrating something that I'm proud of, it might be hurtful to others.  Thank you.

For those who have struggled with breatfeeding or pumping - is there a particular way people have shared their excitement about breastfeeding for a year that was okay with you?  Or, is it ia topic that should probably just be avoided?

hunt2005

OP: I feel with you. I EBF my singleton, but with the triplets it was too much. I just couldn't do it. I feel like I'm letting them down and not giving them all of what I have to give like I would try to for a singleton. But I'm just a happier and more positive mommy since I stopped that I figure it balances out.

Urban: I think it's how you bring it up, say it. If you were to say, "Wow, you stopped already? My kid is almost a year and still nursing all the time!" it sounds braggart. If you're just talking in conversation and say "We're hoping to make it to a year," or something it sounds more like you realize how much of a process it is and aren't trying to put them down but that you're working just as hard at it as anyone else does.

lwmooney87

Yes, Urban, this is in no way about you! You have been everyone's cheerleader and you shared your experience and how hard it was for you to get started. You SHOULD be proud of yourself for sticking it out...

It's the breastfeeding mothers who constantly talk about how their babies did so well with it and that they've been nursing exclusively for 16+ months, and then they stir their nose up at the fact that your baby is on formula. It's hurtful. I know we all want the best for our babies. I know very few mothers who went into the whole process saying they were going to start with formula. Most wanted to at least give BF a try but it's not for everyone, that's for sure. One of my best friends actually came out of her c-section and told the nurse that her baby would be FF. I was taken aback by that but it's her decision. Her DS is a whopping 22 pounds at 7 months old. He's definitely not deprived.

It's kind of sad that BFing has become such a taboo topic but it has. If people weren't so judgemental, it would be better but there's always going to be people that think they know how to raise your child better than you do. Just do what is best for you and your LO. No one else.

urbanflowerpot

Gotcha. I'll try to be even more aware of language even though you've said I was and it would never be my intention to hurt someone. FWIW for every person who says, "you stopped already?" there is another person who will say to me "you're still bf'ing??" and make me feel awkward. You just can't win

OT: Hunt2005 your blog is so much fun! I added it to my reading list

korpisar

Thank you thank you! You all have made me feel so much better. I appreciate hearing everyone's experience. And I totally admire everyone who can breastfeed and don't hold it against them, I have had a lot of people ask if I am breastfeeding my son and then give me the "look"  (for those of you not breastfeeding I am sure you know that look) Anyway, I really appreciate all the input and making me feel better!!! And Urban, I know I don't post a lot but I think you have always been supportive of all the ladies here whether it is about breastfeeding or any other topic.