What TO do

Carolee

Let's list some suggestions of things that helped you as you experienced your loss.

Thanks, Auki for the suggestion!

Carolee

Send a card, or two, or ten.  I loved getting cards and it meant a lot when a few people kept sending them as the majority of the cards stopped coming.

Make a meal and drop it off.

Mention the child by name.

Offer to do something, and then actually follow through with the offer.

krysiahamaty

Things friends and family did for us:

1. Cleaned our house before we got home from hospital

2. My best friend made facebook event so that people could plan food menus. We had a different meal from different people for about 2 weeks. Because of the facebook page, people were able to pick a day and let others know what they were making or what restaurant they were getting food from so nothing was doubled up. It was amazing.

3. We got SO many amazing sympathy cards and flowers.

4. Check in every now and then. Even if just by text saying things like hi, how are you, just checking in, letting you know I'm thinking of you, etc. Make sure to check in even after months (even years) after the loss.

5. Don't pretend it didn't happen or that the LO didn't exist.

Petunia844

Personally once I was able to process things a little I really wanted people to ask me about my son, like how heavy was he or if they were a good friend how my labor was.  I hate that I don't get to talk about things like that as much as most moms.  I love the friends who will ask me anything.

Auki13

I agree with what PP said about food, cleaning, and cards.  I also loved little gifts from people in remembrance of Annabelle.  For example, I got two different necklaces (One had her birthstone charm and a pendant that had her name on one side and the word love on the other, just as an example).  I also received a blanket from a friend who made my other two kids one.  She wasn't sure if I would want one, but I am SO glad she sent one for Annabelle.  Even though she is not in my arms, she is still my baby girl and deserves recognition.   Little things that show you have not forgotten about the baby, especially as time goes on.  People tend to stop talking and asking about the baby, but the parents will never stop wanting to talk about their little one.

krysiahamaty

To add to mine:

Friends got me the necklace to hold Jack's ashes. I wear it everyday.

Also, if one could recommend to someone who has had a loss about the pictures that can be taken. I regret not getting any professional pictures done. No one told me about them.

frogs007

addegeorge:

Personally once I was able to process things a little I really wanted people to ask me about my son, like how heavy was he or if they were a good friend how my labor was.  I hate that I don't get to talk about things like that as much as most moms.  I love the friends who will ask me anything.

 

This.  I want to talk about Porter and Isaac.  I love when people ask about them and want to see pictures.  It makes me sad when I mention them and people get all quiet and awkward.  They're my babies and I want to talk about them! 

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starrkitten89

At the beginning,people offering to get us take out was amazing.

One gift that was really nice too was I had told a couple friends in passing conversation that I was out of shower gel.I had a package sent to my house with a whole slew of stuff from Bath and Body Works.It was great because it was something I really didn't want to go out and get.

Cards.Ones that have a handwritten sentiment are especially nice.

Space.Check in occasionally,but don't be offended or think something is wrong if I don't want to talk.

Speak about my child by name-it helps me know she impacted others.

mrsnapaluch

stlucia_wife:

Send cards/gifts/call/text on the EDD or birth date.

I loved the food people dropped off at the start.  The last thing I wanted to do was eat, but there was food people brought by or sent, so I ate.

Random cards WAY after things have happened.

Ask me how I am doing with out my child in my life months later.  Lets us know you are thinking of them.

 

THIS!

Most people do things immediately, but I didn't start feeling really alone until further out. I am dreading his EDD and wondering if anyone will actually remember. 

weddedwife

Call, text, be diligent about trying to get in touch. If they don't respond, don't be offended. Wait a while and try again in a few weeks.

Be willing to listen. Get over your own discomfort and awkwardness and hear what they have to say. Don't hide your emotions; it means something to know that someone else feels something for my baby. The worst thing you can possibly say is nothing at all.

DO google for information about what to say when someone loses a baby. Read a few baby loss blogs. If you truly care about this person, take some time out of your day to research- there's a lot of information out there.

Remember their baby's special dates- their birthday (even if they were stillborn, yes it is their birthday- it's the day he/she was born), the anniversaries of their passing (months & years), their due date. Consider how the holidays may be difficult for this family. Acknowledge that someone is missing from their family on these special days and that you understand they may be struggling.

DO something to honor their baby. Release some balloons with the baby's name on them & send photos, cook the family dinners, plant a tree in the baby's name, name a star after their little one, the list goes on and on. Again, the internet is a great resource for this stuff. It's not enough to simply say "Let me know if I can do anything" and then sit back and wait. Figure out a way to help or at least honor their child's memory.

Make an effort to see them if you can. Small settings or one on one is better; they're going to feel awkward in crowds for a long time. Don't judge their grieving process. Mostly we are not looking for suggestions or for someone to "fix" us, we just want someone who is willing to listen.

Bayberry12

Once the cards and flowers started coming, it was very hard for me.  Everything that arrived was a reminder of the sadness.  But, now it means a lot that people took the time to send us cards.   

Just spend time with them.  Even if they don't want to talk or can't talk, just be there. Sit with them. Watch a movie.  Just be there.

 Taking out the trash, running the dishwasher, clean the coffee pot, doing any little chore helped a lot.