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WWYD - Job Related. Long!
Removing my post since I discovered that if you google my email address, I once posted it on an old thread that shows up, but I can't edit/delete, so my username is visible, and I don't want future details to see all the info I typed out to people that then google my username. Ugh.
Thanks again for the awesome responses!!
This discussion has been closed.
Re: WWYD - Job Related. Long!
I read your post and immediately thought, "there's no way i'd pick option B" (being the new job) because of the hours and the commute. I think that it might set you up for a job that you love and when she is slightly older, you may be torn between the job and your DD (of course, i think that, no matter what you do, we're all torn between those choices, aren't we?). I talked to DH and asked him what he would tell me to do and he said, 'option C'.
Option C being move closer to the job so that the commute isn't as long as what you're looking at right now - still get the great job and do something you love, have less of a commute and still have time with DD (not as much but as they say ' happy mom, happy baby' and this might be fulfilling enough to really make a difference in your life).
I think it's a hard choice and i understand the lure of the increased salary and job satisfaction - HUGE! Whatever your decision is, i'm sure it'll be the right one for your family. Good luck!
Oh and i keep meaning to tell you this every.single.time that i see a post - i love, love LOVE the name Guinevere - so beautiful!
I had to laugh at Option C, that was my parents' suggestion as well (they live in Alexandria and want us closer). But we built our dream home out here in Bristow, and the day we leave, I'll be kicking and screaming.
I guess I'm feeling like a crappy mom for even considering new job. But I like working - I'm proud of what I do, and I feel good when I do it. I thought I was supposed to be really upset that someone else spends so much time with my daughter, but I actually adore our babysitter, and love our arrangement with her. I just miss being in a career that lifts me up, and I was sorta hoping to find that in this opportunity.
Moms definitely can't ever have it all, can they?
But I don't think the money is worth having a 1.5-2 hour commute and never seeing your family. If you lose your job and are desperate, then I'd consider it as a temporary gig while you continue to look for something else. But I couldn't do that long-term. A couple of years ago, I switched jobs to something with lower pay that was more family friendly. I can't imagine doing the opposite now.
if moving is not an option, I wouldn't do it. 1.5-2hrs each way?? no f-ing way, never! DD won't mind now but I assume you plan to stay in this job for a while, and eventually she will notice that you are always gone. My DD sleeps 7pm-6am, that's 11hrs, if you are out of the house for 12, that means you'll have one hour total to spend w/ her. She's 3 now and she would let me know that she wants to see me mroe.
$55k increase is HUGE and like you, I I love working.
I would ask about working part-time, can you work 32hours and make 80% of the salary they are offering you? It'll still be more than now and you'll have a free day. It's not just your DD you'll miss out on, but what about all the other stuff you need to do? Have a life, spend time w/ your H, grocery shop, etc etc.
I'd negotiate a little more.
If this job does not pan out, keep looking, you obviously have what employers are looking for!
I agree with WNW. I like my job. I need to work - I'm a better mom for it. But I have my limits. I don't think the commute is worth the extra $$. Since you're not willing to move because you are in your dream house and you love the time you get to spend with your DD, then this isn't really the job for you. The extra $$ and time spent in the car will only make you resent the time your aren't spending in your dream home and with your family. I work part-time and take almost a $30k hit to do it. But it means that my DDs are only in day care for 8 hours a day, we get home at a resonable hour every day and have dinner together every night as a family. Fridays I tele-work so that I can run errands in the afternoon and then get to spend the weekend with my DH and kids doing fun things or just hanging out. Would I feel much better about our financial position if I worked full-time - absolutely - but my schedule works for my family right now. If I were in your shoes, I'd pursue the opportunity simply because you're in a tough spot and something is better than nothing (and the economy sucks), but I'd also keep looking. No job will ever be perfect, but it really seems like you value your family above having more money so make that your priority.
ETA: I meant to address your other point about moms having it all. Yup, you can have a meaninful career in your field (I do - I'm an engineer and manage millions of dollars in construction jobs), but you still have to have priorities. There is no wrong or right way to set them - just what works best for you and your family.
Like a lot of the pp's and you, I like working too. However, part of the reason I like it is because it is a schedule that works really well for our family (I'm a teacher). I get home at a decent time each day and can do work after DS is asleep if I need to, but I still get that time with him. I'd definiltey keep asking them about a different/reduced schedule and teleworking options, just in case they are willing to work with you. That commute would be way too much for me!
Thanks for the responses. I had some long talks with friends tonight, and I guess I am still in pre-baby mindset. I am used to the long commutes - for three years I was regularly driving to DC or Alexandria, spending ~4 hours a day in the car, and while it wasn't ideal, it was always worth it for the house. I keep thinking back on that time and thinking "it wasn't so bad" - books on tape, bluetooth calls with friends. But one of you hit the nail on the head - I want a job I can stay in for a very long time. So while Gwennie right now won't remember that Mommy didn't get to play with her in the afternoons...5 year old Gwennie definitely will. And I can't imagine the schedule will get easier - more responsibilities usually means more time.
I am going in for the last interview next week, but after reading responses here, and talking to DH, we've decided that if I can't work at least 2 days/wk from home, I won't take it. He has the luxury of changing his schedule to go in at 10am and offered to do that, so she actually wouldn't be in daycare for as long, and would get a lot of Daddy time in the morning, so that might be a good balance. I'm still crossing my fingers I can somehow solely telecommute though.
Thanks for all the responses. I've been waffling all day playing the "what if" game (when I haven't even received an offer!) so its good to have some clarity of what I really want now, after playing out all scenarios.
and your DH going to work at 10am will not give *you* more time with your DD
I'm one of those moms that drops their child off at daycare at 5:15 am and doesn't pick him up until 4pm. It's almost 12 hours. Even at 20 months old, he's maybe awake at daycare for 5 hours.
He goes back to bed from 6am until sometimes 10am and goes back down for a nap at 2 so me picking him up at 4 gives him a good 2 hour nap. Its usually 4:30-4:45 when I'm leaving daycare and I get home around 5:30. Dinner is at 6 (Dinner is DH's responsibility), bath is no later than 7:30, bed is at 8. That still gives me about an hour before I head to bed and I'm up at 3 am, out the door by 4:30.
I've been with my agency now for 10 years. When I got married I moved another 30 minutes, now prob 35-40 with traffic further away. I really didn't have much of a choice as he had already owned and I still lived w/ my parents. We had our house on the market for 3 years and only had 3 offers the entire time. Sadly its not like our house is over priced either. It's just a very saturated market and our house is designed like the majority of them. I hate my commute but I love my job. It actually does make worth coming in every single day.
It would be a big change for you but I think with the right schedule its absolutely do-able. I have a 6-6:30am start time here at work so I miss all the crappy traffic and I'm outta here no later than 2:30-2:45. It gives me time to run a few errands before picking up DS at daycare (usually a grocery store run). As much as I love my son, I will always say I have to do what makes myself happy in order to have a happy family life and a happy baby. I'm me (and that includes me here at work), I'm a wife and then I'm a mother. Granted being a mother does probably take up 75% of that in effort, I have to take care of myself to give all that I can to my son.
I haven't had all my coffee yet this morning so I hope this doesn't make me sound like the worlds worst mom ever.
I think you've received a lot of good advice, but I also wanted to note that although the salary increase seems like a lot, I don't think it's really *that* much when you consider other factors. Increased daycare tuition and the cost of commuting will be two additional expenses. Plus, your schedule right now sounds like it's essentially part time, so you're comparing your current p/t salary to a full time one.
I don't know. I could never consider a 2 hour commute, even pre-kid. That's kind of insane.
These are good points. You're right about my current arrangement - I'm right now making 80% of my normal salary, since I'm working 32 hour weeks. If I compare it to my regular salary, its still a good jump though, and on the high end for my industry.
DH and I did a break down of gas/car maintenance (I have a small SUV, so will be a lot higher), and daycare, plus I'll now be paying a LOT more taxes. And, since I'll be out of house, higher likelihood of lunches out, Starbucks in am, etc. In spite of those, the salary was more than enough to compensate.
DH finally spoke up, and said he'd rather almost go in the opposite spectrum - quit both jobs to stay with Guinevere, rather than spend less time with her, so I'm glad that he told me. It does make a difference to me knowing his feelings.
Still going to the interview, hoping and praying for a flexible/alternate work schedule! If not, something else will come along.
Thanks again!
I'm late chiming in, but just recently took a job that was a similar change for us so I wanted to share. My previous job had gotten much less fulfulling and just "blah" - but I got to work from home almost every day (a trip into the office would have only been 15 minutes) and was paid full time even though it wasn't really full time work. I knew that wouldn't keep up for long though, and didn't like the career path I had there. Pre-baby, I LOVED my work and post-baby I really missed that drive and challenge I got from working in a job I enjoyed.
I moved to a job with a boss I previously worked for and liked, in a field I love, and almost a 20% salary increase, but the commute is 30 mintues longer on a good day. We agreed on working 8-4 (working through lunch). I've been in the job about a month now and there are a couple of things I've realized. I'm sure it's an adjustment period we'll get through, but it's been a little more of an adjustment than I envisioned.
The first, is how much DH now has to do for LO and I feel bad that he gets most of the "work" while I get most of the "fun" with DS, especially as DS is all about mommy right now. Since I leave earlier and DH works from home or locally, I nurse DS and then hand him off to DH to get him dressed, etc. while I finish getting ready. I drop DS off at daycare and DH picks him up, and usually ends up fixing him dinner before I get home. I pretty much play with DS and get him ready for bed. I know it's difficult to get home from daycare with DS and entertain him while fixing dinner so I feel bad DH has to do it alone most days (he says he doesn't mind).
I used to commute over an hour a few years ago and didn't mind at all - I would catch up with family and friends on the phone and was looking forward to getting that time again. Plus, I thought with 8-4 hours I could be home by 5, when DS gets home from daycare. However, that's been easier said than done. Most of the folks here work later than 4 so even though they all know that's my schedule, it's easy to get stuck here until closer to 5 (especially when it's a new job and you're still trying to make a reputation for yourself). There have already been a few nights where I got home just in time to nurse DS to sleep and that made me feel awful - for DH and for DS. I think that will get better with time, as DS goes to sleep a little later and as I get more well-known here and feel like I can leave earlier and sign in from home without raising any eyebrows.
From what you said above, I think you really need to make sure your DH is on board - if he wants you home more and you're home less and he has more responsiblity for DD on top of it, that could be a recipe for stress and resentment.
As PP suggested I'd really look for that partial telework and/or PT schedule so you can make both career and family work. I'd be careful to rely on early hours because it is easy to get sucked into the "normal" hours of the rest of the organization. GL and let us know how it goes!
ETA: I should say, I know this was the right long-term choice for my career and for us as a family, it has just been more bittersweet than I expected.
Great advice here. No way would I take on that commute. Also, if you are planning on having any more children, the logistics become more complicated the more kids you have (this coming from a mom of three) so telework is something that I consider absolutely essential for me to keep my sanity/keep my household running.
Option C or D is hang in there - if you pass up this job, who's to say the next job you look at wouldn't be totally ideal - closer to home, flexible hours, 4 days a week, good salary... you never know!