IL vent/help

jbgrigri

So I've been extremely upset, crying and mad over the current situation with MIL and FIL.  I didn't want to act rashly so I've sought advice from friends, relatives, and of course the internet I posted a questions on yahoo questions for advice:  https://answers.yahoo.com/question/index?qid=20111205113755AA8ACg3

Please add your two cents!

 Short version:  MIL and FIL say I manipulate DH into everything (marriage, baby, house, etc) and those were all bad decisions.  I don't feel like spending Xmas around them, I know I will end up crying there.

Musiclover2012

So what does your DH say to them in response? On what grounds are they making these claims? Did you always have a tough time clicking with them?

Sorry that you are dealing with this  

devious1031

Sounds like you should go and like your husband needs to have a long talk with them about their accusations.    Continue to let them say things like this about you and it'll only get worse.

jbgrigri

DH admittedly did not have any serious relationships before me, and therefore did not have a timeline for family, marriage,etc; however, we talk about everything, and I do mean virtually everything before making JOINT decisions.  Whenever he seeks support or guidance from them in us making big decisions they interpret it as me manipulating him into a decision rather than a normal relationship where a child seeks support from parents (because they would never seek support from their family).  I've ignored similar comments in the past and DH does tell them they are wrong.  I personally think there is a lot of transference- DH and I were engaged for a full year before getting married and will be married over 2 years when we have the baby, his mother "accidentally" got pregnant with his sister after being with FIL for 5 years and they got married in Vegas when she was 6mos pregnant.  They used to fight constantly in front of us and have had separate rooms w/no sex (said in front of us) for at least 5 years.  DH had virtually no relationship w/them before I was in the picture, but I encourage him to try since I value my close relationship w/my family.  FWIW his sister who barely speaks has gone out her way to reach out to us and say her parents are wrong.

Musiclover2012

jbgrigri:

DH admittedly did not have any serious relationships before me, and therefore did not have a timeline for family, marriage,etc; however, we talk about everything, and I do mean virtually everything before making JOINT decisions.  Whenever he seeks support or guidance from them in us making big decisions they interpret it as me manipulating him into a decision rather than a normal relationship where a child seeks support from parents (because they would never seek support from their family).  I've ignored similar comments in the past and DH does tell them they are wrong.  I personally think there is a lot of transference- DH and I were engaged for a full year before getting married and will be married over 2 years when we have the baby, his mother "accidentally" got pregnant with his sister after being with FIL for 5 years and they got married in Vegas when she was 6mos pregnant.  They used to fight constantly in front of us and have had separate rooms w/no sex (said in front of us) for at least 5 years.  DH had virtually no relationship w/them before I was in the picture, but I encourage him to try since I value my close relationship w/my family.  FWIW his sister who barely speaks has gone out her way to reach out to us and say her parents are wrong.

Wow, you sound normal to me. My advice: your husband needs to STOP asking for their opinions on what you do with your life, I think it is giving them WAY too much room to meddle in your affairs.  Time to cut the umbilical cord. 

gisa886

Time for him to stop bringing his parents into your marriage! I would talk to him and tell him how you feel.

jbgrigri

Thanks!  I've talked to DH about what he tells them/how he tells them before, looks like I will again.  I was starting to think I was crazy...

LMA06

Wow, I am so sorry you are dealing with this drama. If I were you I would not want to spend the holiday with them either. I would let your husband know these kinds of comments are hurtful and he needs to stand-up for you unless he agrees with them and you guys need to have a serious conversation.

It sounds like they don't agree with some of the decisions you have made and it is easier to blame you than to see their son is making these choices too.

Ximena M

Your husband's first commitment is to you and your baby.  If it is possible try to arrange shorter times with your ILs and the ground rules for how they treat you.  It can be between you and you DH only or he can tell them that if they treat you poorly that the both of you will just get up and leave.  Believe me, if they value a relationship with your DH and want one with your baby the rudeness will lessen if not go away. 

Just think of a little kid having a temper tantrum for a piece of candy in the store.  If you give in the tantrum will keep happening.  If you leave the store without giving in the kid will get the ground rules for getting a treat.

JFH2010

I wouldn't go. They've made it clear that they're not happy with your decisions (including the baby??), so I think they've made their bed. It doesn't mean you'll never see them, but not on a family holiday when you want to enjoy yourself with people who love and respect you. I would opt out for my own sanity, but it may have the added bonus effect of making them realize they need to alter their behavior if they want a good relationship with their grandchild. Good luck!

jbgrigri

Ximena M:

Your husband's first commitment is to you and your baby.  If it is possible try to arrange shorter times with your ILs and the ground rules for how they treat you.  It can be between you and you DH only or he can tell them that if they treat you poorly that the both of you will just get up and leave.  Believe me, if they value a relationship with your DH and want one with your baby the rudeness will lessen if not go away. 

Just think of a little kid having a temper tantrum for a piece of candy in the store.  If you give in the tantrum will keep happening.  If you leave the store without giving in the kid will get the ground rules for getting a treat.

This is exactly why I feel I shouldn't go over there until they apologize or make some sort of effort.  Since it is not the first time, I feel I have to stop enabling them to treat me/us like this at some point.  However, my hunsband firmly believes they will never apologize and not care if we don't see them...