(pg ticker warning) What are concrete things I can do?

llizzyb

My dear friend just delivered her baby girl at 18 weeks this morning. My husband and I put together a care package with a nice throw blanket, some warm drink mixes and teas, chocolate, and baked goods, and I'm taking that to her and her husband tomorrow. I know I would be touched by any gesture and acknowledgement of loss immediately, but I'm more stumped on what I can do in the weeks to come.

I fully understand from going through IF issues that it can be extraordinarily painful to be around a pregnant friend, so I know that aspect to a lesser degree. (She and I were IF buddies). I won't be hurt if she says no to invitations or visits.

She's not the type to ask for support or help or company, so I know the communication initiation is on me. 

What concrete things that people did for you helped? I read the thread of what not to do or say below, but I'm looking for more specific suggestions of what actions TO do. Thanks.

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LuckEinLuv

stlucia_wife:

Glad you read the thread below. 

Dont bring up your pregnancy unless she ask. If she does keep it short and on track to what she ask. 

Send a card/food/gift on her due date.

Send random text/calls/cards a month from now. I loved all the text/calls/cards I got, but the cards weeks leter ment more.

Ask about/talk about her child.

Most important remember she IS a mother.  

 

I couldn't have said it better myself.  Everyone was supportive right away, but after a while it stops.  Make sure you continue to acknowledge her child in the months to come. 

Ask if they had picked a name.  Very few people know that Andrew had a name because no one bothered asking.  It was very important to me to give him a name to show that he meant something.  We actually had not picked a name while I was pregnant, but agreed on it right after he passed.

If she does ask about your pregnancy, be forthcoming.  Don't hold back because you are afraid to hurt her.  I have a couple pregnant friends who are so worried about being around me.  I told them that I would let them know what is too much for me.

Carolee

A lot of people did post things to do in the thread below. 

PP has also given some good examples.

Just being there is HUGE.

krysiahamaty

stlucia_wife:

Glad you read the thread below. 

Dont bring up your pregnancy unless she ask. If she does keep it short and on track to what she ask. 

Send a card/food/gift on her due date.

Send random text/calls/cards a month from now. I loved all the text/calls/cards I got, but the cards weeks leter ment more.

Ask about/talk about her child.

Most important remember she IS a mother.  

I think this is said perfectly.

My best friend is pregnant right now and I will be honest with you when I say that I do avoid seeing her. However, I do recommend a text just checking in and seeing how she is doing.

You're a very nice friend for being there and concerned.

pb127

Keep checking in with her over the next several days, weeks and months. That was huge for me... my Mom started sending me "I love you" cards every couple of weeks and I love it. They always seem to come when I'm having a tough time.

Your gift also sounds so wonderful, I would have felt so loved to receive it.  You're a great friend to be so caring.  I am so sorry for your friend's loss.

BeccaMarie

I would have loved a housekeeper. (ie gift certificate to merry maids or the like)

 

I didn't feel like cleaning, and while lots of friends offered to come do my chores, I didn't want to deal with people I knew right away, and it just would have been akward.

Also, my brother wrote Carter a letter (didn't know until after the fact that we weren't supposed to read it, oops) about how much he had been looking forward to meeting him and how missed he would be, etc. That is definitely at the top of my list of most appreciated items received.

I know some people like flowers, but for us we got SO many and it was depressing to jusit watch them die.

thank you for being such a caring friend!

erbarmywife

Make some meals to freeze, so that those days she just cant get out of bed, dinner is ready. Just needs to be reheated.  If you're religious, add the baby to a prayer list, remembrance list, whatever.  After my twins were born, my DD's godparents added them to the MAJOR Catholic prayer list (cant think of the name) but they will be prayed for, forever.

Auki13

I second the meals idea and also getting a gift certificate for someone to clean the house.  Those were two things that I just did not (and could not) deal with at the beginning.  I wasn't a fan of flowers (and watching them die like a PP mentioned), but did appreciate any sort of acknowledgement that I had a baby.  (I got two beautiful necklaces, a little angel statuette that we put in our garden, and a couple of other items that I will treasure forever).  
And as everyone else said, just being there is the most important.  I am so sorry for your friend's loss.

NicoleD54

I'm so glad your friend has you in her life during this difficult time. Most of our friends/family never acknowledged our loss, but we did get a few cards and one of my friends brought us a lasagna. Several people dedicated masses to our son and put him on the prayer list at church. It was so nice hearing his name called in the middle of mass even weeks after our loss.

As far as ideas for helping her through texts, emails, and letters to let her know you are thinking of her over the next few months. Freezable dinners or gift cards to places that deliver. Jewelry with the baby's name or birthstone. There is a willow people statue with a mom and dad holding a sleeping baby that I want to buy for our mantle. A gift card for a couples massage. A Christmas ornament in memory of the baby.

 

llizzyb

Thank you all so much for your responses. I really appreciate them.

magdalina.h

Just be there for her. Let her know that you are thinking of her and her daughter. That care package sounds wonderful. Remember her due date and send her a simple I'm thinking about you present. It could be a flower/plant or a food package again. She'll get a lot of support right now and soon the cards will stop coming and it will feel like everyone has forgotten. Send a card once a month on the 5th.