Beginning to realize

weddedwife

A month out from my loss, I'm fully realizing in how many ways Nathaniel's death will impact us. It's all the little things. Daily there's something else I'm becoming aware of, all the little things I was planning in my mind for the future that are now affected.

For example, we are going to get a big girl bed for DD for Christmas. I reasoned we'd get a full so that we could put both kids in it eventually; they'd probably like to sleep together at some point. I guess we don't have to worry about that now. Also, I thought we'd go to Disneyland for DD's 3rd birthday. We could leave the baby with my mom. Now, who knows- will I be pregnant then? If not, how depressed will I be by then?? I had even already thought about how I'd manage mommy & me swimming classes with 2 kids next summer- bring Grandma to the pool with us and she could watch one while I swam with the other. It seems there's no need for that plan now.

I'm trying to focus on my daughter & just enjoy her, but I hadn't realized how intertwined her life already was with this new baby. She's really lost something huge too and it's breaking my heart. It seems there is nothing in our life that wasn't revolving around the new baby. I know I have to make new plans & have new ideas, but that makes me sad too.

goillini823

Lots of hugs. I can totally relate. When we lost Gabe our entire life was switched. Things we had planned around him were totally rearranged.itched way things were supposed to be with 2 kids under 2. Everything! It still makes me angry thinking about it at times.

pandabearlover

We can't have more kids. So not only did I have to give up my thoughts of having a son, but I also have to give up thoughts of anymore babies. I love my girls and love being a mommy. I would have loved a house full of kids.  

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Carolee

weddedwife:

 I know I have to make new plans & have new ideas, but that makes me sad too.

I can totally relate to this.  It's so sad and so unfair that we all have to go through this.  (((HUGS)))

krysiahamaty

Big big hugs. There are so many little things that you thought Nathaniel would be a part of. Now things are just so different.

Petunia844

I know exactly what you mean, instead of giving my mom an ornament with a photo of my new born baby for Christmas, I'm giving her an ornament with his hand and foot prints just to be able to have him there with me.  It's not fair, I'm sorry we all have to go through this.

pb127

Big (((HUGS))))  DS is our first and we don't have any other LOs around us, so I'm actually more sad that I don't even know/realize all the ways we are missing out.  I know that sounds a bit silly... 

weddedwife

pb127:

Big (((HUGS))))  DS is our first and we don't have any other LOs around us, so I'm actually more sad that I don't even know/realize all the ways we are missing out.  I know that sounds a bit silly... 

Not silly at all. I totally get how depressing that is.

Mjmksb04

I can relate too. We had done a lot of things to plan, like switched DS to a bed and switched his room. I had all these plans on my head about what things would be like with two kids, and its just hard to not have experienced them. Hugs.

magdalina.h

It does suck

Sometimes I think I'm making the loss even harder on myself by continuing to incorporate Aidan into our lives every day. I mean I would be if he was still here, but he's not.  ::sigh::