What to/What not to say and do...

Carolee

I was hoping to get a list of ideas and make it sticky (if I can figure out how) so that people who are looking for advice can just look at the list.  We've had people ask a few times.

So, what are your ideas?

For me, the worst things people can say are:

You're so strong (Like I really have a choice)

Everything happens for a reason/It was God's plan.  (So God wanted my baby to die??)

You'll have to get over it eventually.  (No, I will NEVER get over the loss of my baby)

The best things people did/said:

As much as it hurt/still hurts, I love to talk about my son!  I love it when people say his name, and ask me about him.

People sent meals for about a month or so after Eliott died.  It was nice to not have to worry about cooking.

I loved it when people sent cards, especially after the first few weeks.  I remember being really upset when the cards stopped coming.

b0undl0v3

for me its hard when people complain about there pregnancy and once someone said"He better be fat,I deserve a fat baby" It hurt because I thought "I didn't care if my baby was fat,skinny,bald,or head full of hair..I just wanted him.what did I do to deserve this?"

weddedwife

Unfortunately I haven't had a lot of outside support so mine are mostly negatives:

Worst:

Everything happens for a reason.

There's must've been something wrong with the baby.

Maybe it's better that it happened sooner rather than later (!)

Nothing at all. No acknowledgment whatsoever.

What do I wish people had done?

Sent notes or cards (we only got 1 card).

Brought us meals or take-out.

Acknowledged our loss.

goillini823

For me silence has been the most hurtful. Ignoring what happened does not make it go away! 

Another very hurtful comment was, "at least you have your daughter". Yea cause if your dad were to die my response would be "at least you still have your mom".

I love DD dearly, and I'm very thankful I had her when Gabe passed, but I mourned the loss for her too. She lost a brother, a playmate, and a friend.  

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Mjmksb04

For me it was always hard just to hear people talk about how horrible it is. One of my friends said it was the worst thing she ever heard. Its like, duh.

BunnyJenny

Worst things:

Maybe we can get pregnant at the same time! (I'd rather our kids were a year apart and still have my baby girl)

It's my job as a mommy. (Yeah mom, I get that but my job as a mommy was to bring my baby girl into this world so stop reminding me I failed)

Best things:

It's still to early to hear much good but my dad sent some flowers and I had them in the nursery. That was oddly comforting. Also the food has been nice. A couple times I've been wondering what the hell to make for dinner and my friend shows up with more food people delivered.

hewinked

I didn't read the other responses, but along with yours, "Time will heal/make it better."  No, no it won't.  Time means even longer since I've seen/touched/held my son.

I agree, also love to talk about my son.  People can bring him up anytime.  Yes, it hurts, but it hurts worse when the topic is ignored.  I love getting random cards or gifts now, months after my loss.  It makes me happy to know people are still thinking of us.

The best things to say are, "I'm sorry" and "I'm here whenver you need to talk" and then really stick to that, no matter what time of the day. 

pandabearlover

Mjmksb04:

For me it was always hard just to hear people talk about how horrible it is. One of my friends said it was the worst thing she ever heard. Its like, duh.

My biggest pet peeve is similar to this.  I hate it when people say, "I can't imagine."  I want to scream, yeah, neither can I!

I also don't like when people say, I've been thinking about you.  I know it is well-meant, but it makes me feel like a freak show.  I wonder if these people are telling all their friends how they think about me and how the "can't imagine" being me. 

dandywarhol

Do not say:

"Don't worry, you'll have more."  <-- really? You can see into the future?  

"There has to be some reason." 

 

Do:

Be willing to listen.  To any crazy thing I may say.

When it is very near the event, don't try to make the person feel better.  Just be there for them and let them cry, ramble, rant, sob, talk about their experience.

Stop by to talk or listen. And it is ok to do that more than once.  

Food was a huge help.  I didn't feel like eating but it was helpful to me to know that DH had food to eat.  One less thing to think about.  

 

starrkitten89

Do not:

Ask me why I'm not crazy.I am in some ways(and I am going to therapy) but I don't feel the need to show everyone that "face" 24/7.

Tell me how strong I am.It makes me feel like you think I don't love my daughter enough.

Judge whatever my reaction may be-don't act like it's wrong for me to be happy,or wrong to be too sad.

Pretend she was never here.She lived on this earth for almost 11 months,along with the 8 months I was pregnant.

Do:

Tell me stuff you remember about her and talk about her,often.It makes me happy when I recognize that people still remember her and that she impacted others' lives as well as mine.

Let me feel how I want to feel,without judgement.

Just say "I'm sorry.Can i do anything?" and genuinely mean it.

pb127

Do Not Say:

-Don't worry, you're young, you'll have more.

-You should figure out what happened so you don't do that again next time.

-Everything happens for a reason.

-I've decided to take a different "spin" on what happened to you/your baby and why it happened.

-What happened?  Why did your baby/babies pass away?

Do Say:

-I'm so sorry for the loss of your DS(s)/DD(s) (baby's/babies' name(s)).

-I am here for you.

-I love you.

-I'm thinking about you and your baby/babies.

krysiahamaty

These are all great! So glad you ladies did this. I hope it helps friends, family, and others understand better.

Jackie2200

Absolutely acknowledge the baby's existance.  My mother was asked by a stranger about how many grandchildren she had.  Right in front of me, she answered "one" referring to my sister's newborn.  That was months ago and I still can't look her in the eye. 

I was also told that maybe god took my babies to teach me a lesson!

frogs007

Worst: 

One friend suggested that losing my twins wasn't as bad as someone else that had lost a baby because I'm young and can have more kids (because having more kids will take away the pain of losing my first two-no!)

A cousin tried to cheer me up by telling me how hard it is to be a Mom (hello, I would LOVE to be changing my babies diapers right now)  

Telling me I'm strong- I have no choice, if I did I wouldn't be doing this

 

Best:

Saying they're sorry

Asking about the twins

Telling me how beautiful my babies are 

rvandiver0705

Worst:  Don't say anything judgmental to me, especially about my grief process or parenting of my daughter.  Don't tell me that it is all better now.  Don't tell me I was lucky to have a C-section with R.  (Bryce was born vaginally.)

Basically, be careful.  The best thing to do is listen, and support without judgement.

BeccaMarie

The best things people said/did :

 

- by far my favorite was a letter my brother wrote to my son

- I very much appreciate friends who talk about my son (even if it makes me cry)

- I still get cards/notes in the mail from friends telling me that they are thinking of me and missing Carter

- Friends read my blog and remember what I write, and have gone out of their way to address things I write about (offer suggestions when I post that I am uncertain about something, etc)

- as others have said, the biggest thing is to be there, be open to talking about the lost child and continue to remember/include the bereaved's LO as appropriate

- do make sure that someone has made the family aware of 'now I lay me down to sleep'

 

The worst things people said/did:

- ignored our loss

- referred to my leave as vacation (my son died and I nearly died from complications - definitely not vacation)

- exclude my son from the 'count' (of grandkids, number of children I have, etc)

- pretend like nothing happened (don't worry, you won't 'remind' me of something - I haven't forgotten)

- they say "don't worry, so-and-so is holding him up in heaven" The problem is that so-and-so is usually someone important to the person speaking, often times someone that I don't even know. It does not bring me comfort to think that a stranger is holding my baby while my arms are empty.

- My son passed while I was in labor - I went to the hospital excited about delivery. Mine wasn't an early loss. We had his room completely set-up plenty of clothes, etc. Numerous people sent me hats, clothes and blankets "to remember him by". It was like a knife to the heart. Don't send baby things to a mom with no baby. I already had his blanket, the clothes he wore, etc. to 'remember him by'

 

 

gift ideas:

- someone sent us a seed for an oak tree to grow (pics on my blog) - they ordered it on-line from "the tree of life" (or something like that)

- remembrance jewelry - I got a handstamped necklace with an angel bead and both of my kid's names stamped on it

- my DD got books appropriate for young children dealing with grief

- my DH got nothing, and it hurt. A keychain or other male-appropriate item would have been appreciated.

- we got a lot of flowers, and flowers die. It was depressing.

- offer to pay the family's way to "Faith's Lodge"

- continue to send cards when the LO's birthday comes around

 

Buckets of Moonbeams

The worst thing is that outside of my internet life, nobody remembers our son except H and I.  I've had tons more support via my message board friends than from anyone IRL.  I don't know what I would have done without them.  That really sucks.

nuttycoconut

Best things to say:

- I'm so sorry

- I love the names you picked out 

-  Would you like company?

- It's good to see you

-Thinking of you

- Can I ____ for you? (and when THEY fill in what they would like to do for you so you don't have to think of something)

 Best gifts/things people have done

-sign friends and family up for a meal train (online calendar where people sign up to bring meals for you)

-send flowers and cards

-buy memory jewelry (baby's birthstone, or name on a necklace or bracelet)

- buy a star in the name of your baby

-send massage or restaurant gift card

-write letters, send emails, call, text message often

-visit and bring dinner

-mom, sister, or BFF coming to stay for a few days and take care of food, laundry, cleaning, shopping, taking care of the flowers, etc 

-remember the milestones like 1 month, due date, birthdays, etc and let you know they are thinking of you

Worst things to say:

- "You're young, you'll have more babies"  (How do you know??? Also- babies are irreplaceable and I really just want the baby I lost, not another)

- "Maybe something was wrong with the babies" (Nope - they were perfect and they died because my body couldn't keep them safe)

- "God has a plan" (Really - then why are crack babies born to teenagers every day and my DH and I are having so much trouble when we can provide a loving, happy, safe life for a child?)

- "It isn't healthy to keep their cribs up, you should put everything away" (you have no idea what is and isn't healthy about my grieving)

-"You are so lucky that you have so much time off" (really? I sure don't feel lucky)

-"You'll have fun making more babies." (well, last I checked, IVF isn't fun, and neither is the surgery I probably have to have to keep the babies inside once I do get pregnant.)

- "Let me know if there is anything I can do" (I am incapable of making decisions right now so just pick something and do it.)

- "How are you doing?" (this is annoying from people you don't know very well because do you really want to know how I'm doing? And if you need to ask then you don't know me.)

lrichmond86

My least favorites...

"So are you going to get pregnant again right away?!" (in a very excited tone... 2 weeks after our loss.)

"What are you going to do with his things?  Donate them?"

In regards to being exhausted after a long week at home: "At least you get the weekend... I have to go home to DS.  I can't even relax on the weekends." (Umm... I WISH I was running after a toddler on the weekends!  I hate it in general when mom's talk about how hard it is to be a mom or how tough it is to be pregnant.  I am fully aware of the demands of motherhood, and yet, there is nothing that I want more.)

One of the most painful things that was said was an off-handed comment that my dad made.  He was recounting the story of running into an old friend about a month after our loss.  This is what he told her... "I feel really old now.  L and G got married in June and are buying a house and M has already given me a grandchild!"  The grandchild he spoke of wasn't our son... it was my niece.  I know that he didn't mean for this to be hurtful, but just knowing that he didn't even consider our son as a part of the grandkid count was terrible.

 My most favorite thing that someone has said...

This one comes from my 3 year old niece... almost every time we're at my mother's house.   My mom asked for a picture of the baby and has it framed next to a picture of my niece (this in itself was very touching to me).  My niece will often point out the picture to me, saying, "Look, Auntie!  It's baby Gary!  Isn't he so cute!?"  The first time she said this I cried and didn't know what to say.  Now it means so much to me I can be as excited as she is and answer "Yeah!  He is so cute!  I miss him so much!" to which she usually responds, "Yeah... me, too."  What a great dialogue to be able to have with a child.

silverlining8d

nuttycoconut:

Let me know if there is anything I can do" (I am incapable of making decisions right now so just pick something and do it.)

This has been the worst! I know people mean well but the only thing that comes to mind is, "Can you bring our son back?"

Xath

I've been very lucky to have lots of love and support from my family.  The worst thing that anyone has said to me came from my neighbor (who was out of town for an extended period when we lost Ellie).  She came back and saw I wasn't pregnant anymore and asked where Eleanor was.  When we told her what happened, she said it was a joyous occasion because Ellie was with God and God would give me more babies, so I just needed to forget about her and move on.  

 Don't tell me to forget my baby.  I know my neighbor is from a different culture and has lived through a lot of hardship, but I'm horrified if this is what happens to the lost babies where she's from.  All of those poor forgotten babies.   

angelsnight

Ticker warning (the bump changes brought back my old ticker)


The worst:
Well you can have fun trying again (First, our daughter wasn't a pair of shoes that can just be replaced, and no, after two years of TTC, it is NOT fun).

Sounding surprised or judgmental that the baby was given a funeral/buried/named.

Pretending it didn't happen

Maybe wanting to express condolence but thinking it will remind us of our pain....we NEVER forget our pain.

Talking about your own babies very loudly and often in front of me

Don't say my child's death makes YOU uncomfortable, imagine how it makes me feel

Don't assume or imply that a new pregnancy or baby means I've forgotten about my child I lost.  I could have 100 earth babies but I'll never forget my baby I lost.


The best:
Using our child's name

Keep it simple, say I am sorry for your loss

If we're open to talking about our child, let us.

Realize that we are still grieving and hurting weeks, months, and years after our loss.  Hearing that someone has been thinking of us 3 months later makes my day.

Noethola

I agree with what is here. 

I had one other "not helpful" to add:

"I know that you are going through, I lost my great uncle/dog/etc..." - sorry, but no, you have no idea. Its ok to not be able to relate to my loss. 

Helpful:

It was helpful to get the meals, cards, memorial gifts, notifications of money donated, etc. 

For others who had lost a baby, it was helpful to hear "You are not alone." 

Its ok to grieve for as long as you need to.

People who remembered to ask my DH how he was doing, not just asking him how I was, as if it did not shatter his world at all.