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Am I overreacting? WWYD?
I think most of you who also post on the nest know about my pregnancy loss 2 years ago so I won't go into detail about that but I friend who keeps harping on it. I have a friend (of over 10 years) who has been TTC for well over a year and was being seen at Shady Grove. She had 4 IUI's and each resulted in a pregnancy with very low first betas and almost nonexistent second betas (each was a miscarriage). I've been trying to be very supportive and talk to her and offer emotional support throughout her journey but she has been repeatedly making a comment that's rubbing me the wrong way.
She constantly says "at least it's not what you went through" or "I feel so sorry for you." I know that sometimes I can be very sensitive about my loss but these comments are really bothering me. I don't think she means to be malicious or mean-spirited but I don't need her to feel sorry for me. My husband and I have really grown a lot through our experience and we now have a wonderful handsome little boy. The pain of the loss will never go away but every time she brings it up all of the feelings resurface. I think about the loss of my DD everyday and I don't need her to compare her loss to mine as if there is some sort of pregnancy loss continuum.
Am I overreacting? Please be honest. Sometimes I need to get myself in check and acknowledge what is my "stuff."
This discussion has been closed.
Re: Am I overreacting? WWYD?
On the one hand, I can sort of put myself in her shoes since I had 2 early miscarriages myself and I feel like that just doesn't compare to your situation since you were much farther along in your pregnancy and your child was actually born. BUT, like you said, you can't really compare these things. How can you compare multiple early losses to one late loss to years of IF with no pregnancies at all? The situations are so radically different.
So, I think if I were in your position, I'd be annoyed by her comments too. Next time she says something can you say that there's no need to try to compare your situation to hers and that you'd like to focus on being supportive to her now for her current TTC struggle. My guess is that she's afraid that you will get annoyed/mad at her when she is sad about her losses because she's afraid you'll think "that's nothing compared to what I went through" and so she tries to defer that by saying it herself. Does that make sense?
BFP#1: 01/10, M/C 6w
BFP#2: 06/10, M/C 5w
BFP#3: 09/10, DS born June 1, 2011
BFP#4: 07/12, M/C 5w3d
BFP#5: 12/12, EDD 08/18/13
My Blog: Decorate This
She must be trying to make herself feel better, or comforting herself? Maybe she is also trying to make it seem like she isn't trying to outdo you, if that makes sense. She might feel guilty venting to you about an early MC when you went through something that she views as much more tragic and she is trying to convey that to you? But I think you need to have a gentle talk to her about it, say what you said to us. "I understand this is a very hard time for you, as you know I understand, however whenever you compare our experiences it really brings back those feelings for me" I don't think you are overreacting at all
I don't think you can really over (or under) react in that situation, you know? Your feelings are your feelings and they are what they are. Have you tried gently telling her how it makes you feel?
Its all such a delicate situation - and I always wonder how to say things, if I'm offending anyone, etc. I would think she would want to be sensitive to you too.
I agree with pps that she probably feels like she doesn't want to come across as trying to "one up" you.
I think next time it comes up, I'd say something like - Thanks for being understanding of the difficulty we went through a few years ago, but a loss is a loss at whatever stage. We can both hurt and both support eachother since we've both experienced the same tragedy.
You could also reach out to her and say how much you feel for her that she has had to go through these proceedures and experience so many times. I don't know if this would make her feel bad in the same way you feel bad. My intention in saying this would be to highlight why comparisons don't work. You've both gone through something tragic. Hopefully you can comfort eachother even though the experience wasn't exactly the same for both of you.
You could also just tell her that when she says it like that, it makes you feel bad. That you know she doesn't mean it that way, but that is a way that you continue to be affected by your miscarriage. Good, long-time friends, should be able to talk it out.
Like the others, I would just sit down and talk with her. To be honest, if I had a dear friend who went through what you and your husband went through and experienced a series of miscarriages myself, I would probably feel the need to hedge myself like this when talking to you about them. No matter how awful the early miscarriages were, I wouldn't want you to think that I was in any way comparing myself to what had happened to you guys. Perhaps a conversation with her to put her at ease talking to you about what she's going through, and reassuring her that you are at peace with things, would go a long way in making you both more comfortable.
lovelylittleworld
BFP#2 1/12/12 ~ Missed M/C 8w2d
ITA in this situation.... I can see why she would bring it up.... something you both have in common but they are vastly different m/c's and reasons. I would sit down and talk with her and ask her not to bring it yours up. You are there to listen and provide support for her but that you can't talk about your m/c as it's too hard for you. I would think she would understand, since I'm sure it's been hard to have that many m/c's.
DE IVF #1= 04/11 - BFP
I agree with everyone else. I think she's trying to make it clear that she is hurting, but she doesn't want you to think she is being insensitive to your experience. Maybe its a defense mechanism? (I'm not sure if that is the right term here.)
I don't think your overreacting. Like Kathryn said, your feelings are your feelings and that's how it is. I think you need to talk to her about it. Whoever said that close friends can discuss these things is right. Let us know what happens and big hugs to you.
I agree that it's a defense mechanism. I think you should definitely talk to her about things. Different people react to loss in different ways. Some people are able to recover rather quickly from a miscarriage, and others are scarred forever. It sounds like she wants to engage you, but she doesn't really know how or know what to say. While she wasn't as far along as you were when you had your loss, I'm sure she still felt great pain. She needs to know that it's ok to grieve and feel sad.
I think a lot of times people don't know what to say to someone who's experienced a loss, especially a later loss like yours. They feel they must say something, and what comes out of their mouth isn't usually the best choice of words. I'm sure she means nothing malicious. She probably feels awkward.
miscarriage on 11/26/09 at 5w6d
Honestly, to me it sounds like she is saying that to show you that she is not trying to make her own misery sound more "important" than yours and that she hasn't forgotten about you. I really believe she says this to show you her continued support which I think is extremely sweet considering what she is going through right now herself.
I would simply tell her that you appreciate her worrying about you but that these comments hurt you more than help. I am sure she will be shocked because she didn't think of it that way and will be glad she knows!