Single Parents

Leaving on Saturday

After lurking on this board for a long time, I will finally be joining you.  I have finally found the strength and courage to leave my controlling, manipulative, and emotionally abusive husband.  An old friend (who is also recently divorced), is letting DS and I stay with him until I can figure out a place for us to live. 

I'm nervous, because I'm moving out Saturday while my husband is at work, and he has no idea I'm leaving.  I didn't want to tell him because I knew he'd just get angry and try to talk me out of it.  

I'm scared, because I have no job, and without the generosity of this friend (who is my best friend's brother, and like a brother to me, also), I would have no place to go, either. I'm scared to start all over, even though I'm excited, too.  I'm mostly scared of how my husband is going to react when he gets home and sees that we're gone.  Do I leave a note?  Do I answer his phone calls?  I'm so nervous, and I'd really appreciate any advice from anyone who has been in this situation. How did you handle it and also, how do you wish you would have handled it?

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Re: Leaving on Saturday

  • good luck mama. its rough. I never had to leave a marriage but just a long tern relationship. i wish i had advice for you. but with financials, get on state programs (theyre there to help even though people assume everyone on them just takes advantage of them) such as LINK (foodstamps) and WIC. they help tremendously. 
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  • i wasnt married but was in a long term relationship...i was in the same situation as you are in now. First off Im sure you love your husband, so you should possibly talk to someone. like marriage counceling. I made the biggest mistake of my life just up and leaving him and a few months later (still seperated) we went to counseling and BAM it was a dream come true!  A whole new man!!!! BUUTTT because i up and left him like your planning to do, he will not take us back at all.

    IF your relationship is physically abusive then GET THE HELL OUTTA THERE! I seen and dealt with that at a young age and you wouldnt want to put yourself or you LO through that. (not saying your in that type of a relationship)

     But maybe you two talking to someone professional DOES help ! Its not an overnight deal, it take sometime...

    Just giving you my advice even though i suck at it....I tried! good luck to you.I feel for ya!! and if you need anything else PM me..

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  • Thanks for the thoughts!  And jaimelee8, we actually did go to marriage counseling for a long time, and there was no change, and then my husband decided to stop going because according to him, "everything is fine" and I'm just crazy for wanting things to be better/bearable.  I think at this point, so much has gone wrong and happened in our relationship that even if he does change (and I hope he does for the sake of our son), I wouldn't want to be with him.  I know I couldn't get past everything he's done.
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  • I also moved out of the house while DH was at work. He worked 7 and 7, so I had a few days before he came home and found we were gone. I took my clothes, the furniture I had before we were married (which included our bed, but I did leave the bed in the spare room where he had been sleeping anyway) and DD's bedroom furniture.

    I won't lie to you, he was LIVID! He called my cell and I am pretty sure he called me every name in the book. A lot has happened since then, but it has gotten better.

    Just try to take everything one day at a time. The unknown is scary, but once it is over you will feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of your shoulders. If you want to talk more, please feel free to PM me.

    Good luck!

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  • oh mannnn:/ then it is a good decision to leave. It will be less stressful to you and your child. You cant help how you feel, and if your feelings are like that then it isnt healthy to stay in that marriage. i wouldnt answer his call if you do decied to leave without telling him; you left without him knowing for a reason right ? so you dont have to hear the yelling screaming and name calling....Maybe let him cool off for a couple of days?

    Dont know if this advice will work any but its something i would do....

     

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  • oh mannnn:/ then it is a good decision to leave. It will be less stressful to you and your child. You cant help how you feel, and if your feelings are like that then it isnt healthy to stay in that marriage. i wouldnt answer his call if you do decied to leave without telling him; you left without him knowing for a reason right ? so you dont have to hear the yelling screaming and name calling....Maybe let him cool off for a couple of days?

    Dont know if this advice will work any but its something i would do....

     

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  • I think your plan could use some work.

    Why would it be okay to steal your husband's child and not have him know where his/your child will be staying for the foreseeable future, especially since legally, that call is not solely your decision to make?

    I think you owe it to your husband to tell him you need it to be over and that he either needs to make a plan regarding your son with you or that you will be out and would like to take the child within the week. Stealing a child away from a parent starts a war and sets you up for a horrible start to your 20+ year co-parenting relationship.

    * Clearly there is a lot of information we don't have. Maybe it isn't his kiddo or he is not at all involved as a father? Also, fear of violence would be a game changer. Based upon the original post alone these are my thoughts.

     

  • Mine kind of knew I was leaving - he attempted to leave but came back 2 hours later claiming he had no place to go and said I could leave.  Since he just climbed back in the bed - I went to the couch. I couldn't sleep with wanting to leave so badly and being scared (and pregnant) that I just packed up a laundry basket full of things quietly and left at 3am. I left a note that had everything in it that I was not able to express to him verbally. The note was more for me than him though - theraputically.

    Good luck and strength to you this weekend and beyond!

  • imageBostonGayGal:

    I think your plan could use some work.

    Why would it be okay to steal your husband's child and not have him know where his/your child will be staying for the foreseeable future, especially since legally, that call is not solely your decision to make?

    I think you owe it to your husband to tell him you need it to be over and that he either needs to make a plan regarding your son with you or that you will be out and would like to take the child within the week. Stealing a child away from a parent starts a war and sets you up for a horrible start to your 20+ year co-parenting relationship.

    * Clearly there is a lot of information we don't have. Maybe it isn't his kiddo or he is not at all involved as a father? Also, fear of violence would be a game changer. Based upon the original post alone these are my thoughts.

     

     I did tell him it was over last Friday after he screamed at me and called me a b**** in front of my family on Thanksgiving because I asked him to help me calm down our sick and overtired son who was screaming, and I asked him to move to out since DS and I had nowhere to go and I have been a SAHM so I don't even have any money (since "his" money is in his eyes, not "our" money).  He refused to leave and said that because I was the one who wanted things to be over that I had to be the one to leave.  Obviously, I couldn't leave immediately because I had to figure out living arrangements until I can get a job and an apartment.  Since then, he's been acting like everything's fine, which is ridiculous, because it's not.

    Also, I am scared of his reaction.  He can be very intimidating and violent (although he's never hit me, he has thrown things at me, punched walls, shoved me, screamed in my face, etc., and I worry that it could become violent).  This is partly why I intend to leave while he's at work, because I know he would try to physically stop me from leaving.  I also plan to leave a note letting him know what's going on and that we can meet in a week or so to discuss visitation with DS. 

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  • So you have discussed it quite recently, he IS physically abusive, and you are leaving note. That new info does change things. I don't understand why you didn't list that he is physically abusive when you were listing all the reasons you are leaving but I hope you realize that throwing and shoving is domestic violence and get some counseling to help you keep this from becoming a pattern in your relationships. Be strong. 
  • I was in a very very similar situation about 3 months ago when I left.  I had tried to leave and he had physically restrained me from leaving.  I screamed for help because I knew the neighbor was outside.  He didn't hear me but it terrified my daughter.  That night my ex said "promise me you won't ever put on a show like that in front of our daughter again.  That was awful you did that."  Of course, him restraining me and yelling and calling me names and everything else were fine.  I told him "I promise, never ever again" and I meant it, I started making my plans that night.  I left when he was at work and my heart was RACING the whole time because I was so afraid he would somehow find out.  Here are my tips and what I did:
    **make sure at least 2 people know what you are doing when you are leaving and when they should hear from you again

    **start with packing one bag of your essentials and go and put that in your trunk then only pack one bag at a time and load it.  That way if he did by some chance come home you can just make up something about needing to run to the store and you can just leave then and you will have some extra time before he starts to think something.  Much better to have to quickly hide one bag rather than he comes home and you have 5 suitcases sitting in the living room. 

    **Make sure and take your extra car key with you

    **Leave a brief note and say you aren't running away with his child but that you have decided that you no longer want this relationship and have contacted and attorney (and do it) and suggest he does the same.  If you have anyone that you two both trust you can say that all communication can go through them.  I used his mom.  I called her after I was packed and on the road and told her that I was leaving and didn't go into detail.  I told her that his daughter was with me and we were staying in the area and tht we would get it all worked out so that he could still see her regularly.

    **Once I had left I booked a hotel in a weird off beat location so that there was no way that he could find me.  I told the front desk that they could not release my info to anyone nor take any messages for me.  They were awesome and said no problem (Hyatt)  I told me mom where I was staying and gave her my room number and then turned my cell off until the next morning.  I wanted him to cool down and collect himself.

    ** I had missed calls but not as many as I thought in the morning.  I called his mom and asked if she thought he was calm enough to talk to.  She said yes.  I agreed to meet with him the next day at a park with our daughter and HIS MOM so that there was another person there.  He begged and pleaded and promised the moon and stars but good God I'm glad I didn't cave. 

    Please for all that is good go and check out or buy, "Why does he Do that" by Bancroft or Bancraft.  It will justify everything you feel and start to untangle the web of crap he has filled you with over the years.  It was another bumpie who recommended it and it has changed/saved my life!!!  Good luck.  Email me if you need anything jennifersimko at yahoo dot com 

  • Well, I know I'm separated. And if he's that emotionally abusive I'd say leave. No, it's not the best way to do it but sometimes it's the only way. Trust me, it may be hard but there is help out there. Go to whom ever will help you. And just make sure you show appreciation. And besides it's probably better your child doesn't see him if that's all he is going to teach your child. No kid deserves to have a negative rolemodel. And yes they will learn from time no matter how hard it is who was there for them and who tried to raise them positively. Id not respond and dont pick up. save everything. if he threatens you bring it to the cops and get a restraining order. you or your child needs that in your life.

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  • I realize that you would have moved out today, I am hoping that everything went smoothly. I told H to leave and he did since we have been renting my grandfather's home. It's stressful to say the least, but I'm glad you found the courage to do it.

    It stinks being reliant on people during this transitional time but just be thankful for the opportunities presented and remind yourself that someday when you are established you will pay it forward. 

     

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  • Thanks to everyone for the great advice and encouragement!  This is the first time I've been able to get online since I moved out, and I really appreciate all of your comments.  I did move out last Saturday, so it's been over a week now.  I'm glad to be out, but it's just hard adjusting to not being at home or having our stuff (it's all in storage).  Hopefully I'll get a job soon so that I can start saving up for a security deposit on an apartment.
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