Keeping it a secret

LyssRob

I have noticed most of you write that no one (or only a select few) know that you are (for lack of a better term) " a 3TC girl.". I am pretty open about it...it is hard for the first 30 sec of explanation but I really find that it keeps most of the annoying questions at bay...and sometimes I like that it makes the person who initiated the convo a little uncomfortable (what? Did I just admit that?).

I guess I don't really have a question....more of just an observation. So, secret? Not a secret? Why or why not? Discuss.

AKB090609

Not a "secret" as much as not something I talk about with anyone aside from DH. My mother wouldn't 'get it' and his mother doesn't know how to shut her mouth, none of our friends are in this stage of life (all single) and at our age most people would just brush it off as a need to relax.

I am also an extremely private person and don't feel that it is appropriate to talk about my reproductive choices with my family or friends. 

tgreenf

I am pretty much an open book with my emotions so most people close to us know. I work for my Dad and brothers so any time I'm down or am at the doctor its just easier that they know. DH family doesn't know as many of the details simply because he doesn't take the time to explain it to them. But they do know we are having problems none the less.

sunshine823

AKB090609:

Not a "secret" as much as not something I talk about with anyone aside from DH. My mother wouldn't 'get it' and his mother doesn't know how to shut her mouth, none of our friends are in this stage of life (all single) and at our age most people would just brush it off as a need to relax.

I am also an extremely private person and don't feel that it is appropriate to talk about my reproductive choices with my family or friends. 

 

i completely agree with this, i am a very private person as well. not many people know besides my parents and a few close friends and i like it that way

KdgTeacher

I have 1 close friend who knows and she's going through treatments too and 2 riends who "know we have trouble."

I choose not to tell people because I don't want the constant questions, looks of pity, or the added stress.

Depending on how my Chrom. Analysis and Fragile X test results come back, we may tell my parents (and MH's if he wants).  If not, we don't plan on talking with anyone until after we get KU or we reach the need for IVF (which would be the case if the b/w comes back abnormal)

LyssRob

I really hope this comes out the way I mean it, bc it is total sincerity and not supposed to sound obnoxious. I just think it's interesting that lots of ladies here (obviously) find comfort in a semi-anonymous message board but don't want to talk to their actual friends for support. Now, I don't feel I get the same understanding from my IRL people (with the exception of those who have gone through it/are going through it themselves) as you girls, but I do still feel some relief in being able to share my feelings with others face-to-face.

I just feel like I am in the minority that I would definitely tell whomever (within reason, obviously, I don't walk up to randoms and tell them my life story!)

ETA: I hear you, KDG about wanting to avoid the pitying looks, etc, I guess maybe I'd prefer that to imagining people were looking at my stomach and wondering why I'm not pregnant yet.

sekura

I've been pretty open about it.  It helps that my SIL is due Dec 3rd with an IVF baby, and was very open about it, so sharing with that side of the family was easy.  My twin sister is dealing with MFI, and got PG with her child on IUI #2.  So she knows--but we're not close, so I don't get into details with her, and my parents know nothing at all.  All my & DH's close friends knew a year ago that we were trying, so whenever it comes up I share where we are. 

I haven't come out to any rude/insensitive acquaintances when they ask awkward questions, but I think I would if it came up.  

maggie2324

It's pretty much a secret that we're TTC at all.  Once we found out about our issues, DH was very adamant about keeping it a complete and total secret. I am trying my best to abide by his wishes and stay in the IF closet, but I'd much rather be open about it.

Even when we do tell people, I'm pretty sure that very few will actually know details. It will mostly be that 'we have an infertility diagnosis that we're working to over-come'. If we do need IVF, I'm sure that we'll tell our immediate families that we're going through it. 

AKB090609

LyssRob:

I really hope this comes out the way I mean it, bc it is total sincerity and not supposed to sound obnoxious. I just think it's interesting that lots of ladies here (obviously) find comfort in a semi-anonymous message board but don't want to talk to their actual friends for support. Now, I don't feel I get the same understanding from my IRL people (with the exception of those who have gone through it/are going through it themselves) as you girls, but I do still feel some relief in being able to share my feelings with others face-to-face.

I just feel like I am in the minority that I would definitely tell whomever (within reason, obviously, I don't walk up to randoms and tell them my life story!)

ETA: I hear you, KDG about wanting to avoid the pitying looks, etc, I guess maybe I'd prefer that to imagining people were looking at my stomach and wondering why I'm not pregnant yet.

 

The reason I choose to use a message board rather than people face to face is often more to get a thought out or a question answered that I can't IRL. Here people can choose not to 'listen' if my topic is not of interest to them, most people IRL are to polite to ignore someone who is standing right in front of them. Not to mention that when you take the time to write something down it is much easier to make sure you use your filter which people often forget when we speak.

katib77

Aside from getting a tattoo on my forehead that says "I'm dealing with infertility" I don't think I could be more open LOL.  Both my family & DH's family knows.  All of our friends that have ever asked anything close to "when are you guys having kids?" in the past year know.  Everyone at work that has known me this past spring knows.  I "came out" on facebook in April for IF awareness week. 

I have a hard time keeping secrets (I even gave DH his birthday present a month early because he asked three times about it so I was like fine - here!).  And i wear my emotions on my sleeves.  And like OP, I kind of like having a "so there!" answer when people ask a rude question. 

Plus I've tried to become more of an advocate for IF.  I will tell strangers (if it comes up in a way).  I very plainly say "We are struggling with infertility.  It's hard to accept you can't do something that comes naturally to most."  And if they ask follow up questions - I answer.  But I've not gone so far as to raise money for it as Resolve.org asked me to do this week.  Educating people is one thing, asking for their hard earned money is another.  Maybe some day I will find a way for some fund raising that doesn't seem too demeaning.  But until then, I stand as a educational advocate.

But I will say I totally understand this is not for everyone and it's a personal choice.  I do not say this to try to convince others.  I know this is the way I am, and I cannot change that.  Just like if you are a private person you can't just change on a dime.  Thankfully, my DH is fine with me being so open.

jenn0620

Our parents know and my SIL knows because she is always pestering me about it, Although that hasn't made her understand it any better.

kaleidoskpeyez

I talk pretty openly with friends and even some of my co-workers. I also tell my sister everything.

I'm a little more secretive with family members. My parents know only the basics, and DH's parents/family know nothing (other than the fact that we want children and hope to eventually have some... "when the time is right"). First of all, his family is nosy, and they have trouble with boundaries. Second of all, they have an uncanny ability to make everything about them, and I just don't want to deal with it.

A few weeks ago, someone on this board said something that I found very insightful. It was something along the lines of, "Friends are like cheerleaders; family members are like coaches." I don't like disappointing my "coaches" (family), and most of the time I don't want their advice. However, I always want my cheerleaders' (friends and sister) support. That's why I keep it a secret from certain people, and disclose everything to others.

RealMomma

I also, talk to a few select people I'm close to about it, but most I find are not supportive or say things that just upset me more than anything else. My family is the "Just relax", "It'll happen when it happens" kind of people. They don't seem to understand that we have true medical diagnoses and this isn't true. Then my two BFF's are fertile myrtles and pregnant with #4 and #5 unplanned pregnancies. I occasionally talk to them about what is going on, but they tend to want to complain about their pregnancies and that just makes me angry, sad, and CRAZY!

I just feel like no one understands what I am feeling or going through beside people who are doing it. Even my friend who went through IF (the one I do talk to outside the boards) had a different situation and while she is supportive, and understands the emotions, she cannot completely get it.

I found this infertilty ettiquite info and wish I had the guts to send it to all my loved ones.   https://www.resolve.org/support-and-services/for-family--friends/infertility-etiquette.html

tombomb84

I am not keeping it from my closest friends, but we decided not to tell our parents about our fertility problems.  We both would rather surprise them when we have good news rather than take them on the emotional roller coaster with us.  Sometimes I wish we hadn't told anyone and other times it feels good to talk and I wish I could share with my MIL (we are very close)/

brookelynpaisley

I'm as open as the situation deems appropriate. Some people know quite a bit, others don't even know that we were TTC. I feel that a silver lining of this whole deal is that I can raise awareness and debunk myths, so it's important to me to me personally to express and share what's appropriate.

I can't imagine going through treatments without telling anyone - I know it's a personal choice, but my heart goes out to the girls who struggle alone.

BabyDreams711

It is a secret here. No one knew we were TTC, (I hate when people announce they are "trying"... I don't need to know you are having sex all the time!) We knew it wouldn't just happen because I am so irregular, then we jumped right into the meds. So, I figured when it happens we will tell all we are PG and then if they have questions, no probs telling you how it happend!

I have very rude town gossip in laws, so if we can't tell his family, I can't share with mine... BUT I'm really ok with it. We are private people and I don't want all the ?'s and hassle! Whether you shout it from the rooftops or keep it between you and your DH, it's what you need to do. I know my family and friends the best... I'd like to say I would be pleasantly surprised my some of their reactions, but they have proved themselves too many times. Something so delicate, i'm not willing to take the risk of sharing!

nycitygirl1

We're keeping it a secret from pretty much everyone, although I've told my two best friends (because we go back forever and talk about all of those personal things). I just don't feel like dealing with the annoying, invasive questions and also pity from people I'm not really close to. If I wouldn't talk to them about other sensitive topics in my life (like sex) - I'm sure not sharing my IF struggles. It's a little TMI for me and would be kind of awkward.

I decided not to tell my parents or in-laws because they are both kind of nosy and annoying and it's a lot less stressful for DH and I to not have to deal with managing them in addition to managing this whole process.

akaksel

I'm very open with it, I find it makes me feel better

BlueEyeZ1981

I'm an open book mostly because I got sick of hearing the question asking when DH and I were going to have kids.  We're the only one of our friends who does not have kids.  It's worked out well because I was able to help a girl that has PCOS and people were harassing her.  I was able to pass on eduacation and get them to stop harassing her. I looked them right in the face and said "She has the same thing I do." She was trying to explain to them that they had been trying for 2 years for a second child but they weren't getting it and giving her the recommendations of proping her hips and all the old wise tails. She was really greatfull.

I wear my emotions on my sleeve and when I drink it all comes out so on my Birthday I spilled the beans to everyone about my issues and why we don't have kids.  It stopped most the questions and I'm greatfull for that. 

The only person that has been an issue is my BFF.  She keeps giving me the just relax and it will happen.  Needless to say since she got knocked up 9 months ago our friendship has distanced.  I actually barely talk to her right now.

Also I haven't told anyone that we are going to under go specific treatments but that we will need medical intervention since I don't ovulate.

psubride1012

There are a few people who know that we are struggling, but since we started seeing a RE and H is more involved, I haven't shared anything - no one knows that we are doing IUI or the results of H's SA's.  It is because he is private, doesn't want people to know, and I respect his wishes.  He also didn't want a ton of people to know about our m/c, which was very hard not to talk about.  Again, very few people know about that.  I convinced him to let me tell my parents and a few of my friends, but his mom has no idea.

I am an open book and would share with any and everyone who asked.  I would love to be able to use this as an opportunity to educate others about IF.  Unfortuately, very few of the friends/family that I have told actually get it.  Even my one friend who struggled herself and never had children still says the wrong things or is insensitive to me sometimes.  So I find it easier to talk to people on here who are going through the same thing at the same time and know exactly how I feel.  I find it much more comforting.