"Was it planned???"

Luvmybella

Totally venting here, but why do so many people ask this??  The conversation usually goes:  Dumb Person- Oh my gosh, you're pregnant?!?  Me- Yes! So excited! Dumb Person- Was it planned?? Me-

It's like an automatic immediate question and I just don't understand why.  I find it so rude.  And either way, I'm almost 30 weeks pregnant, so at this point what difference would it make anyway??

Do you all get asked this often?  Or am I just surrounded by people with zero manners or social skills?

kevinandmonica2011

This was actually the first question that the nurse at my PCP's office asked.  I found it a little intrusive also.

I haven't heard it from anyone else (yet)... although we haven't told anyone and I'm definitely not showing, so I'm sure there are plenty more rude questions in my future.

LottaLattes

No, it's always amazing the things that people will say to you when you're pregnant.  I mean, if you'd mentioned that it was or wasn't, that'd be your prerogative, but to ask is totally tacky.

My first son wasn't planned, but it didn't affect how much I love the crumbs out of him.  My second was very much planned and that still doesn't affect it.  People are so dumb.

HBaylies

I have gotton that question and hate it.  I have gotton it from peopel who see me with my 16 month old son, as if it must have been a mistake to be pregnant again because why would I ever want to have 2 children under the age of 2?  Jerks.

Luvmybella

theresat858:

Do you look really young? Are you with the father of the child? (married or not; I don't think that should matter - but I do understand the question if someone is single). 

I'm trying to figure out why else someone would ask that...  I haven't gotten it yet but then again everyone knew we were going to TTC.

I'm 30, married to my H for 3 years, together for 6.  I agree it shouldn't matter either way, but I could understand it a bit more if we weren't married or in some sort of unstable relationship that people are aware of.  So that's definitely not it.

And it's not just close friends/family that have asked this.  The most recent is a waitress at a diner that I go to fairly often.  I haven't seen her in a while so this was the first time she realized I was pregnant and that was the first question.

mwitter80

It's certainly rude and no one has asked me this question. Are you married? I could understand someone asking if you weren't. It's still wrong and none of their business.

Eris-Alexis

I got this question a lot when I was pregnant with our twins.  To be fair, a lot of our friends don't want kids and are still in the mindset that most pregnancies are the result of an oops.  With this pregnancy, they all knew we were trying so we didn't get those comments this time around. 

Those comments are awful.  I don't know why people think it's any of their business.  

kymberleyd22

Only one person has asked me this. I probably had the same look many of you had on your faces. Just to catch her off-guard like she did me, I told her, "No, do people actually do that?" and walked off. I think she realized later that evening that probably wasn't a question you just ask someone.

hopefulmom81

I was asked that question twice with my pregnancy in January.  I am 30 and married, and even if it wasn't planned (which it was) how are you supposed to answer that question?  "No, it wasn't"????  

You are not the only one surrounded by dumb people with no social skills. 

xoladiebug

No one has asked me that yet, and I pray to God they don't!  

Hollywog85

I had a coworker who is always a very negative person ask me that when I was pregnant with my son.  I couldn't believe it, but at the same time if I'd expected that question from anyone it would be her.  I straight up told her the truth - that he was very much planned and that we had lost two babies trying. 

I don't know why anyone thinks it is their business to ask this question.  I wanted her to know the pain I felt when she asked and I hope she knows better than to ever ask anyone that dumb question again. 

 

chloebeth930

I got KU when DH was on a 10 day leave from military training.  I have actually had someone ask if it was his baby.

Izabella22

Yup I've been asked this a bunch of times, in general I assume its b/c the people I work with are pretty stupid since Dh and I have been together for years and we're probably the most stable couple I know... but it kills me when they ask... I'm so tempted to say "NO, I'm a biology major but you know... we skipped reproduction" - wtf people.

emd2887

I got asked this question a ton earlier in my pregnancy, and I agree it's completely rude. Really, I'm pregnant now, so why does it matter? And I feel that when people are asking that they are basically inquiring into my sex life ("was it planned/were you trying?" always made me want to tell people how often DH and I were doing the deed). 

I think the worst was my ILs. They all assumed that my pregnancy that ended in a m/c was a mistake, and were completely shocked that I was pregnant again, so they all asked if we were trying with this baby. I'm not sure what the huge surprise was- we had been married for almost a year when I first got pregnant. I had to inform them that neither of my pregnancies were mistakes, thank you very much.  

Hollywog85

chloebeth930:

I got KU when DH was on a 10 day leave from military training.  I have actually had someone ask if it was his baby.

OMG!  How did you respond?

october_artist

I find this to be the most ridiculously rude question and unfortunately have been asked it myself -- not with this pregnancy (haven't really told that many ppl outside of family) but with the last I was asked this a few times - not once, but a few.  Im my case I look young but still. So uncalled for.

Two of DH's friends asked if it was planned....okay - bachelors FWIW. I brushed that off.

My older cousin (asked this to another closer family member) AFTER the loss. Was it planned? Uhm, does it matter ever, but especially at this point?

The nurse at my D&C follow up appt. after asking me if I wanted a script for the pill, I said no thanks, she said "uhm, you know you can get pregnant at any time after this ......" me: "I doubt that considering how hard it was for this one" her: "so this was actually a planned pregnancy?" WTF.  I do not go to that practice anymore.

((hugs)) just stick it through, people are not always the brightest creatures.  

Luvmybella

Hollywog85:

chloebeth930:

I got KU when DH was on a 10 day leave from military training.  I have actually had someone ask if it was his baby.

OMG!  How did you respond?

Seriously!?  Wow.  That's so much worse, I think I would have punched the person.

hurdalyson

No one has asked me so far, but that's probably because when I told people I immediately followed with the fact that it was a bit of a surprise (we were trying last year, but had stopped trying when we knew we were moving and I'd be starting a new job).  Being new at my job I felt like I needed to justify to coworkers the fact that I got pregnant so quickly after starting.

The comment I've always HATED though is "so when are you going to have kids?"  It starts as soon as you get married.  Aafter a year and a half of one miscarriage and months upon months of disappointment, I came to dread this question.  I felt like they were making me put a sign on my head that said "infertile?"  I just started responding by saying "well, we're trying, but it's not entirely up to us".  I always wanted to follow it up with "now don't YOU feel stupid and awkward?"

If I were you I'd come up with your own "nice" put down response to show them how inappropriate a comment it is.  You may be saving someone else from getting the same comment.  Consider it your good deed for the day.

Luvmybella

emd2887:

I got asked this question a ton earlier in my pregnancy, and I agree it's completely rude. Really, I'm pregnant now, so why does it matter? And I feel that when people are asking that they are basically inquiring into my sex life ("was it planned/were you trying?" always made me want to tell people how often DH and I were doing the deed). 

I think the worst was my ILs. They all assumed that my pregnancy that ended in a m/c was a mistake, and were completely shocked that I was pregnant again, so they all asked if we were trying with this baby. I'm not sure what the huge surprise was- we had been married for almost a year when I first got pregnant. I had to inform them that neither of my pregnancies were mistakes, thank you very much.  

I totally agree!  Maybe next time I should go in depth about all the opks I peed on to get to this point, explain temping, sperm friendly lube, and let them know which position we DTD the day I ovulated. There will be no doubt whether it was planned or not after that.

LoriJ11

Luvmybella:

Hollywog85:

chloebeth930:

I got KU when DH was on a 10 day leave from military training.  I have actually had someone ask if it was his baby.

OMG!  How did you respond?

Seriously!?  Wow.  That's so much worse, I think I would have punched the person.

I have been asked if we were trying and although I was caught off guard I let it slide, but this???? Throat punches would come out!!! Wtf!!!

Mrs_Est11.11.06

I have been asked by some of my co-workers..  

Also had a new staff member tell another staff member in front of me .... when my boss has her baby she is going to give him to me... The lady she told knew about my 1st loss as she worked with me back then, and she didn't hesitated in saying... "WHAT! ..I dont see that happening"

 

 

 

hlyn11

I get it a lot.  But in my case I can understand it more than yours.  I am unmarried and have been w/ my BF for a year, so it is not that unusual for people to feel like they can ask me that b/c they all assume it was a huge oops.  It is still pretty rude of them to ask though...like you said, it is like they want to know about my sex life and forms of protection, etc.  I have had a few family members ask if it was an "oops" and I have just said "Well we are both grown adults who know what can happen when you do that kind of thing..." and that usually makes them blush and keeps them from asking more questions.  

However, my close friends that have asked, mostly ask b/c they know that I had fertility issues and 2 losses w/ my exH, which we always assumed were my "issues" so now everyone is just curious to know if maybe he was the one w/ the problems not me. (And he cheated on me, so they all kinda wanna celebrate the fact that not only was he a jerk, but maybe his swimmers were defective too! LOL!)

8daysaweek

H's sister asked this when we announced our pregnancy. And then told us how much work two kids were and how much another kid is going to cost and asked if we were "really ready" for this and if I was "mentally ready" for it.

I was so pissed. I asked H later "WTF did she expect us to say? Oh God, good point, quick honey call a clinic while I go jump on the bed!" 

Oh and SIL only has one child.

unstuck6jb

I hope this isn't as bad...I have said to a couple of friends before, "OMG, I didn't know you were trying!"...and if it was a surprise they either told me or said, yes, we just weren't telling anyone.  Now granted this was before I started trying and really learned about how difficult it could actually be.  But anyway, no one ever throat punched me for saying that, so hopefully I didn't offend anyone.  I would be shocked if anyone asked me if mine was planned...but I'm not really showing yet, so I'm sure time will tell!  It's always the perfect strangers that come up with the best lines!

Babymamawithdrama

I hate when people ask us that, why would I love my kid any less? People should just say congratulations and mind their own business, if we want you to know we would disclose that info... That is my opinion

chloebeth930

Hollywog85:

chloebeth930:

I got KU when DH was on a 10 day leave from military training.  I have actually had someone ask if it was his baby.

OMG!  How did you respond?

I laughed and said I hope so.  It was too crazy of a question for me to take seriously (even though I think they were asking in all seriousness). 

lotus88

Nope. You're not alone. I've gotten it. I really can't think of any factors that would make the question not rude. People just don't think. Somehow pregnancy is everybody's business. Weirdos.

karma79

I've had it asked once or twice and it's just so weird to think that is an appropriate question AT ALL. EVER.

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