No more lurking. Intro.. (LONG)

emizer

I wanted to share my story since I've been lurking here for a while. I told myself that this board was not for me but I realize that I can't relate to much on the mc board and I am too emotional to read anything on Toddlers. I don't usually post much anywhere but the last thing I wrote before my son was born was on TIP. I had been dealing with an alcoholic DH and I was stressed beyond belief. (Still am), I wrote that I wanted to leave him but that I couldn't afford to with 2 kids. With 1, I could make it but once the 2nd was born I was screwed. I feel so much guilt for ever thinking that.

(COPY from original post on MC Loss) "On Friday 9/23 I had slight cramping that had me worried but I thought I could hold out until my check up Monday morning. I took it really easy on Saturday and felt much better. On Sunday I felt back to normal and went to church, the store, cooked dinner and cleaned. At 11:30 that night I woke up in severe pain and knew I had to go to the hospital immediately. We were there in about 20 minutes and I was examined within 10 of getting there. The ER doctor said, "I don't have any confirmation of this but I'm sorry, it feels like something is coming out." After an ultrasound they confirmed my membranes and baby were moving into the birth canal. I delivered a boy at 2:10 am at 17w2d. At some point between the ultrasound and delivery his heart stopped. They told me it was a "grey area" between miscarriage and stillborn."

Obviously to me I feel like I had a stillborn child. I got to see him and hold his 5oz little body. He was perfectly formed, just very red and the skin was so thin I could see his ribs. I have his footprints and a memory box from the hospital. My DH was there and as of right now we're still together. He is working on recovery but there are countless issues we need to work through. One of them being the loss of our child. He blames himself and there is no convincing him otherwise. The Dr's have said that even extreme stress shouldn't make someone go into labor at 17 wks. I was hoping we would get an answer from the chromosome analysis but after 8 wks of waiting, my Dr. called and said they didn't have enough fetal tissue to do the test correctly. They will be able to look for genetic defects only but not "inflections" of disorders.(Such as fragile x) I was completely irate. Not sure what they've been doing for 8 wks anyway...

My bloodwork was basically normal, they said there was 1 repeat of the mthfr gene and they would treat that with baby asprin next time. Sadly, I'm not close to considering TTC with my DH so who knows if/when there will ever be a chance to have another. It hurts because I want to heal from this but there are so many other painful things going on that I can't give it the attention it deserves. My baby does not have a name, but I still struggle with this. We were considering the name Warren for a boy but I have a weird anxiety about calling him that. I have gained a lot of support from reading the encouraging posts on this board so I hope to continue. If you read all of this I appreciate it. Thanks Ladies.

Petunia844

I'm so sorry for the loss of your son and for everything else you are going through.  I'm glad you have found support here.

krysiahamaty

I am so sorry for your loss and the sadness and stress you are feeling. I'm sorry you have to be here but welcome and I hope you find comfort here. 

erbarmywife

I'm so sorry for your loss.  I wanted to let you know, I lost my girls Aug '10.  My hubs is a recovering alcoholic.  At the time of the loss, I *thought* he was sober, but it turns out he was not.  The day before I delivered my girls, we had an argument about him wanting me to do more...ie cleaning and dinners and doing all the childcare.  I had already been told by my drs that I needed to take it easy, so I pretty much was just taking care of my kids, and making sure we all ate.  I let everything else go, since my kids, and the health of my unborn twins were more important.  That being said, after I delivered my twins, hubs felt VERY guilty.  He thought that if he hadn't yelled at me, I wouldn't have delivered early.  It got worse after our other twin died.  I knew I wanted more kids, after the twins passed, but I also knew that hubs had things he needed to work on, and we had things we needed to work on.  That being said, we started doing separate counseling, and he started getting serious about getting help for his PTSD (one of the reasons he drank).  I had to give him an ultimatum to get him to do it, but he pulled through and showed me that he loved me, and our children, enough to stop drinking.  He has been sober since April 25th, 2011.  

I didn't mean to hijack your post, but feel free to PM me if you need to talk about it.  I understand, completely, what you are going through. 

pb127

I am so sorry for the passing of your son. I hope you'll continue to find support and comfort here. Welcome and lots of (((hugs)))

drvst8

I am sorry for your loss. I hope you continue to find comfort here. I can tell you that all the ladies here are wonderful.

NicoleD54

I am so sorry for the loss of your son, and the troubles you are having with your husband. I hope that the loss will eventually bring you closer together. I hope this board will bring you the support you need.

butterfly843

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Carolee

I'm so sorry for your loss and for all you're dealing with right now.

dandywarhol

My heart goes out to you.  The ladies here are wonderful and very supportive.  I hope you find some comfort and peace.

starrkitten89

I am so very sorry for your loss.The ladies here are awesome.(((hugs))) and welcome.

[Deleted User]

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mrssoprano

I am so sorry for the loss of your son. My DH and I have some huge issues as well, apart from the loss, which just makes things that much harder. PM me if you ever need to talk. ((hugs))

johnnys june

*hugs*  I am so sorry for the loss and the other stresses you're dealing with.  Sending T & P your way.  Please feel welcome here.  You are among friends.

mdluv21

I am very sorry for your loss.  I hope things getting better for you and your husband.  ((hugs))