"Next Steps" appt. with RE got me down (long again - sorry)

solarflare

Hi ladies,

This is long - sorry.

I went to the RE yesterday to talk about next steps once my thyroid levels get in check. She reiterated the importance of getting my levels normalized. I asked her what could create this issue (other than genetics) and she suggested that it could point to ovarian dysfunction which scared me.

Then she looked at my levels and saw that my FSH was back up at 10.2 last month and my AFC was down to 12 (checked on day 25 of cycle) from 14 on the day 3 the cycle before. She basically said that my fertility is dropping and I need to go to IVF sooner rather than later. I know this but it was still hard.  She suggested Ka*ser because they have the best rates around here (SFBayArea) for DOR with own eggs (40% success), and set up a consult for me which will only be $30. She said other consults would cost btwn. $400 - $600. She also said I should attend seminars at other clinics instead of private consults to keep the cost down.

An IVF cycle with Ka*ser will be around $12000. We are middle class people in creative industries that do not make tons of dough, so this is A LOT of money to me. We will have to take out a loan...and I know the chances are high that this will not work. Will I regret paying on this $12000 loan with a BFN? How do I mentally wrap my head around this concept and stay positive? I figured we can put around $4000 from next years tax return to lower it a bit but that's still a lot. I also have debt from grad school, and fertility treatments.

I just want to feel calm about this but I am getting nervous and this stuff is creeping into my psyche. I feel very alone and find myself going into a dark place thinking about these things. DH and I are very open during this process but I don't want to burden him with my darkness. He wanted to make sure that I don't get too focused on babymaking during this process and maintain our relationship and my independent spirit. I want this too but it is hard right now. I have only felt like this during 2 other times in my life - hard times - and I just feel sad about this topic a lot. I am usually such a positive, happy-go-lucky person, and I want to try to get back some of that. 

Feeling a bit lost today - sorry for such a downer of a post. 

Llamamama

I am so sorry you are having to go thru all of this.  TTC sucks.    I think it would be VERY hard to make payments on a loan after a BFN..but I also think you have to do try.  Paying on a BFP would be easy!    Good luck to you and feel free to vent (even if it is long) anytime. 

tst1998

Ah sweetie, I know that dark place well. We took out a loan for our IVF. It sucks getting that BFN, but I don't regret it. I would have regretted not trying. They haven't charged me for this FET yet, and if the financial lady calls me anytime in the next week asking for a credit card number, she's going to get an earful. I'm in a very bitter place right now. But again, I don't regret doing it. I'm just sad it didn't work. 

The dark place can be dangerous and lonely. I needed to get out, so I started seeing a therapist. Luckily, insurance does cover that, and it works out to be $17/session. Best $17 I've ever spent. I'm also going to my first Resolve support group next week. Those are free. Find someone to talk to in real life if you can. It helped me a lot. And let me know if you ever want to chat... you can't go through this alone, and even our DH's don't know exactly what we are going through.

 ((hugs)) 

irishgirl0525

I'm so sorry solarflare! The ups and downs of this whole process really sucks and it's so difficult to keep our normal personalities in check when things aren't going the way they should. 

It's hard for me to comment about whether or not to take out a loan for this, because I know that once our insurance runs out for IVF cycles, I am not willing to go into more debt.  But I do think that it would be worth it to try an IVF cycle.

Don't  feel bad about posting a downer post, hopefully we all lift each other up a bit with the responses.

annalisel

I'm sorry you're so discouraged. Just remind yourself, your RE's ovarian dysfunction remark is just speculation and all doctors (all people) tend to think towards what they know. And, even if she is right, you still have a good chance to have a baby.

I understand your hesitation about taking out a loan. We are in a similar position, but decided that we would regret not trying IVF more than the debt. Realistically, full time babycare in the bay area runs $1500+ anyway. So you just start paying it 1 month before conception!

tst1998

annalisel:

I'm sorry you're so discouraged. Just remind yourself, your RE's ovarian dysfunction remark is just speculation and all doctors (all people) tend to think towards what they know. And, even if she is right, you still have a good chance to have a baby.

I understand your hesitation about taking out a loan. We are in a similar position, but decided that we would regret not trying IVF more than the debt. Realistically, full time babycare in the bay area runs $1500+ anyway. So you just start paying it 1 month before conception!

This thought has crossed my mind every month we pay for a treatment cycle.  

owlprof

I'm so sorry that you are struggling, solarflare.  This whole process sucks.  I'm not going to pretend that I have any advice to offer as far as the financial worries go; I can't imagine how hard it would be to take out a loan and then -- if it doesn't work -- have to pay it back.  (Obviously we would all hope that it was a positive). 

I will echo what the other ladies have said, which is that we are here any time to offer support, for whatever it is worth.

 Sending you big hugs!

mtlaurel

I'm sorry you're feeling so down, Solar. This process is very isolating, and I know I fee like I have lost pieces of myself along the way. Though it's really hard to keep in mind, I also think I've gained from the experience - more patience and improved communications with DH. Maybe there is a positive you can find from your experience so far that you can focus on?

I can also completely relate to the utter fear over the financial risk that is fraught with so many emotional what ifs. PPs suggestions of thinking of the $ in terms of paying for childcare in advance of child is a good trick.

Know that you're not alone, and there are many here who support you. Hugs. 

shyntrue

((Hugs))

brooklynesque

Just wanted to say that I'm sorry you're facing such a difficult decision, solarflare.  $12,000 is a lot of money, but 40% is decent odds.  I'm sure you and your husband will talk through it and figure out the right course of action for you.

BeckyP005

Oh solarflare...I have no words of wisdom because I'm in the same boat. I also go back and forth in my head if DE IVF is worth it if we got a BFN. I walk around sometimes just mumbling...what do I do? I WISH someone can tell me what to do.

I am going to wait for DH S/A results and go from there. I feel like we should try since I'm not getting any younger (43). I also feel I will so regret this later in life if I don't try but I need to make sure DH will not take any of this out on me if IVF fails...meaning losing $ we need for other stuff.

Good luck in your decision. Wish I was more helpful   Take care.

Mrs.McIrish

BeckyP005:

Oh solarflare...I have no words of wisdom because I'm in the same boat. I also go back and forth in my head if DE IVF is worth it if we got a BFN. I walk around sometimes just mumbling...what do I do? I WISH someone can tell me what to do.

I am going to wait for DH S/A results and go from there. I feel like we should try since I'm not getting any younger (43). I also feel I will so regret this later in life if I don't try but I need to make sure DH will not take any of this out on me if IVF fails...meaning losing $ we need for other stuff.

Good luck in your decision. Wish I was more helpful   Take care.

This. It sucks that some of this comes down to $. It's one thing if it was guaranteed to work but paying a loan for something you never even got is a tough pill to swallow. I hate that these are "choices" because it certainly doesn't feel that way.

solarflare

tst1998:

Ah sweetie, I know that dark place well. We took out a loan for our IVF. It sucks getting that BFN, but I don't regret it. I would have regretted not trying. They haven't charged me for this FET yet, and if the financial lady calls me anytime in the next week asking for a credit card number, she's going to get an earful. I'm in a very bitter place right now. But again, I don't regret doing it. I'm just sad it didn't work. 

The dark place can be dangerous and lonely. I needed to get out, so I started seeing a therapist. Luckily, insurance does cover that, and it works out to be $17/session. Best $17 I've ever spent. I'm also going to my first Resolve support group next week. Those are free. Find someone to talk to in real life if you can. It helped me a lot. And let me know if you ever want to chat... you can't go through this alone, and even our DH's don't know exactly what we are going through.

 ((hugs)) 

 

Thank you for your kind words! Yes - I am thinking of seeing a therapist as well. I think I can see one for about $30/session through my insurance, and while before I could compartmentalize this process, it is now coming through into my day-to-day psychological makeup as well. That's a sign I think I need some help dealing with these emotions. My good friends are helpful and sweet but none of them have gone through this and they don't understand, or even want a baby so it is rather obscure to talk to them about it. I've also thought about Resolve...and will consider that if the therapist doesn't pan out. 

That's good to know you do not regret your IVF purchase. I agree - I know I would regret if I didn't give it my all later in life. I just wish I was independently wealthy and then this money factor wouldn't come into play so much and so often.

solarflare

annalisel:

 We are in a similar position, but decided that we would regret not trying IVF more than the debt. Realistically, full time babycare in the bay area runs $1500+ anyway. So you just start paying it 1 month before conception!

SO TRUE! I hadn't thought of that before but this hypothetical kid is going to be expensive here in this area so I may as well get used to that thought early on. Thanks - that mentality helps.

solarflare

Mrs.McIrish:

BeckyP005:

Oh solarflare...I have no words of wisdom because I'm in the same boat. I also go back and forth in my head if DE IVF is worth it if we got a BFN. I walk around sometimes just mumbling...what do I do? I WISH someone can tell me what to do.

I am going to wait for DH S/A results and go from there. I feel like we should try since I'm not getting any younger (43). I also feel I will so regret this later in life if I don't try but I need to make sure DH will not take any of this out on me if IVF fails...meaning losing $ we need for other stuff.

Good luck in your decision. Wish I was more helpful   Take care.

This. It sucks that some of this comes down to $. It's one thing if it was guaranteed to work but paying a loan for something you never even got is a tough pill to swallow. I hate that these are "choices" because it certainly doesn't feel that way.

This is the truth. I guess it pays for the knowledge that you tried some of the best technology out there to make this elusive idea of a pregnancy happen.  The other day the Millionaire Matchmaker was trying to convince one of her "ageist" clients to date in his age range (40's) and he was insistent upon kids and dating women in their 20's. She kept saying you can still have kids - you can just do in vitro! I was just thinking how most people do not think that IVF is simply a chance that is higher percentage than some other options. 

happywifemomofone

Sorry that you are facing some tough IF and financial decisions.  I am hoping and praying that the tax bill that Resolve is trying to get passed comes to fruition soon.  It is a tax credit....much like the adoption credit-that will pay you back up to $5000 for fertility treatments.   If passed, you will be able to use it one year or over multiple years.  Theoretically, that would cover almost half of your IVF cycle.

Also, if they say your odds are 40 percent.....would think that's per each egg.  If your AF count is 10, it's likely that you might be able to get 3-5 good eggs that are likely to fertilize.  Just  a different way to think about things.  The only way to understand your egg quality is to go through an IVF cycle.  I have found that about 1 in 4 of my eggs are good-but try to remember that it only takes one.

Hoping that you get an unexpected natural BFP as your Xmas gift and can leave the world of IF behind soon!    ((((hugs)))) 

lsgabriel

Really sucks, and I know it's hard. We've all been there, so not such the downer you thing; just that it's sad to "see" someone else go through it.

 Someone said to me in a PP (i believe it was McIrish) that you need to make sure DH is truly on board, and it's true.  I know the natural inclination is to keep him from the really hard stuff, but that just means you bear more of the burden.

Don't be afraid to get a second opinion as well.  Have you had an AMH/FIS test? Is freezing while you save some money an option? 

In the end, I  think you would regret it more not having done it, especially if the results are a BFP!  Good luck.

njpabzy

solarflare:

I just want to feel calm about this but I am getting nervous and this stuff is creeping into my psyche. I feel very alone and find myself going into a dark place thinking about these things. DH and I are very open during this process but I don't want to burden him with my darkness. He wanted to make sure that I don't get too focused on babymaking during this process and maintain our relationship and my independent spirit. I want this too but it is hard right now. I have only felt like this during 2 other times in my life - hard times - and I just feel sad about this topic a lot. I am usually such a positive, happy-go-lucky person, and I want to try to get back some of that. 

Feeling a bit lost today - sorry for such a downer of a post. 

I am so sorry you are feeling this way and I really wish I had words of encouragement that would help. I know the place you are talking about because I too am there. The feeling of sadness is overwhelming at times and I hate it. Yet I know that I just have to manage to hold it together and get through this since only time is going to ease the pain. The feelings of sadness and being alone are extremely scary and I hate feeling this way. Yesterday things got worse because my BFF, who I work with everyday, is pregnant. I cried all night long. I am happy for her but so sad for me and now I am starting to get angry at everything, which is completely unfair.

Sorry I didn't mean to go on about me. I guess I just want you to know that you are not alone and you should feel free to vent all you want. The ladies here understand because most are or have been where you are. So vent away.

I can't really comment on the cost/loan issue since I do have coverage. I can't begin to imagine how much harder the financial issue makes this terrible journey. I don't think I would take out a loan for treatments but I really can not say that for sure as I am not in that situation. GL with your decision.

T&P - really praying you feel better soon. I know how much the feelings suck. Try to focus on the blessings around you - believe me I know that is so so so very much easier said than done. :-( <hugs>

solarflare

I just wanted to thank you all so much for your support and excellent words of wisdom/advice. I feel fortunate to have this little online group of really smart ladies.

Thanks again.