Update on Loss of one Twin--very long

Bread09

I posted back at the end of October about the fact that we were going to be losing one twin.  I'm not sure how to put the link into that post or I would for some of the background!  I've been wanting to update since I did give birth and have started to many times, but never finished. I think the first few weeks I was just numb and now it's starting to really hit me.  It's so hard to grieve our daughter and parent our son.  We've had some friends and family make some very insensitive comments and we've had some supportive family and friends.  We find people don't know what to say so they avoid us and we are of course wanting to talk about our baby girl.  I've been seeing a counselor since we received the heart defect diagnosis in July and we started to going to a support group.  All helpful, but it doesn't bring our baby back. 

Here's the update--It's very long:

My water ended up breaking (at work) on Friday, November 4 at 36w4d.  I headed over the L and D and was prepped for the c/s.  Since doctors told us that our baby girl would live minutes to hours at most, it was important to us that immediate family was present to meet her and her baptisim.  I will never forget when they pulled her out and she cried--doctors had told us that she may not and then her brother was pulled out and he cried--such amazing sounds.  Hannah is our girl and she was 3lbs, 3oz and 16 inches long and Nathan is our boy, 6 lbs5oz and 19 inches.  The nurses brought both of them to me before they and DH went to introduce the babies to the family.  We had amazing nurses the whole time--including two that stayed past their shift to be with me during the c/s since DH was going to leave with the babies.  It was a rough procedure and I was very sick. 

Once I was in recovery, DH and the babies came in.  Two great nurses took care of us and I was dizzy and vomitting so I was afraid to hold the babies, but the nurses helped and we got some pictures.  There was a nurse in the OR that also took pictures and the NILMDTS photographer was going to start doing pictures as soon as I was out of recovery.  Hannah was hanging in there--showing no immediate signs of distress, but it was very evident that besides the heart defect, she had several other birth defects--both babies were so beautiful and amazing.

 There were lots of pictures and time for immediate family to hold and snuggle both babies.  I was still throwing up about every 10 minutes and don't remember a whole lot.  Once family left, our nurses bathed Hannah.  Nathan had been given a quick bath in the nursery right after birth.  Since Hannah's heart defect and birth defects were non compatiable with life, we did not want her to suffer through procedures and chose to do compassionate care.  At this point, she had already surpassed doctor's expectations of the length of time she would live.  It was about midnight and I miserable but did not want to send my babies to the nursery.  Our two nurses convinced me to send Nathan and then made a deal with me that they would keep Hannah with them outside the room and wake us up if anything changed.  We were their only patients so I agreed.

The nurses woke me up around 4:00am to tell me the sweetest story.  They put Hannah and Nathan in the same bassinet in the nursery.  When Hannah was crying, Nathan began to stroke her cheek.  The nurses found a disposable camera and took some picutures for us.  They were so excited about this and we are so thankful for the pictures. 

By the time the babies came back in our room, it was 6:00am Saturday and Hannah came back sporting a hat with a bow that one of the nurses had made for her.  I was feeling much better this morning than last night and for the first time in months, had gotten solid, consecutive hours of sleep.  I felt so much better and I couldn?t wait to hold the babies.   They were as adorable as I remembered and I remember just holding Hannah for quite some time. 

We spent the morning taking turns holding each baby and taking pictures.  We knew we would have some visitors later in the day so we wanted to spend as much time as possible with the babies.  Hannah was such a sweet baby.  She would never open her eyes at the same time, but would rather blink one and then the other.  They were beautiful  eyes?a very pretty blue.  We talked with nurse and the Neonatologist  about Hannah.  We made sure that she was not in any pain nor would be when she would pass.  They assured us that she would be very peaceful and would pass when her heart could no longer pump the oxygen through the  valve to her lungs.  Her vitals remained constant throughout the day.  We knew that her time would be coming to an end eventually, but the thought that maybe should would hold out for a few days did cross our minds. 

We kept visitors to immediate family on Saturday and I was just so thankful for the babies and that our family members were able to hold both of them. 

My parents and sister were at the hospital in the early afternoon and came back in the evening because they said they had a feeling they needed to.  The events become slightly fuzzy at this point.  I remember my parents holding both babies and I remember DH and I holding them too.  I remember Hannah being taken out of the room for her feeding and the nurse bringing her back in.  It was a nurse that we hadn?t even seen before and she didn?t really say anything.  My mom picked Hannah up and was rocking her.  She asked me and Ed if we wanted to hold her and we said we were fine?we spent a ton of time with her earlier and we wanted grandparents to be able to hold their grandchild.  She handed Hannah off to my dad who was also rocking her.  He took a picture of her and showed it to me?she looked a little more pale.  I didn?t think a lot of it.  She also looked peaceful and was all swaddled.  Soon I looked over and noticed that she had formula bubbles coming out of her nose.  I thought this was strange, and asked my dad to wipe them away.  They wouldn?t stop and I looked over again and asked for her.  I called DH over and said, ?She?s gone? as I frantically tried to see if she was still breathing or if her little heart was beating.  DH came over right away and we both held her as I pressed both nurse buttons and my mom ran out to get the nurse. This was around 7:20pm, shift change.  The nurses came running in the room and checked her vitals as we held her, and I looked at them, and said, ?she?s gone, isn?t she?? and the nurse just nodded.  DH and I held her and cried and cried and cried.   I remember DH calling his mom and dad and telling them to turn around and come back and to call his sisters.  The doctor came in and officially called time of death at 7:25 pm the day following her birth.  She lived 23.5 hours--we had so much more time than anyone thought we would with her.

I don?t rememb er too many detials.  I have no idea where Nathan is during this time.  I thought one of my parents had him, but my mom said that a nurse had taken him for testing right before Hannah died.  I remember being sick to my stomach and almost vomiting.  I remember DH and I just holding her and holding each other.  My family was there and DH's family came quickly.  I had brought a special blanket to the hospital for Hannah.  Nathan had a matching one that was green and brown circles and Hannah?s was pink and brown circles.  It was the softest blanket.  I do remember wrapping her in it and just stroking her, crying. 

I do remember offering others to hold her, but I don?t think too many people did.  DH and I took turns.  I also remember wanting everyone to leave so we could be alone with Hannah, but not being able to say it.  Nathan must have come back in the room at some point, because we held both of them together for awhile.

 Our families left and the nurse came back in and said that we could spend as much time as we wanted with Hannah and if we wanted her to stay with us, that would be fine.   We spent time with Hannah and Nathan as a family of four.  I just remember Hannah looking so peaceful.  It was very evident that she was not in any pain when she passed.  She looked beautiful.  We made the decision that we wanted to say out final good byes to her and have the nurse take her.  We wanted to remember her as she was at that moment. 

I don?t remember too much more of that night.  DH and I came up with what we wanted to post on facebook and we both texted a few close friends.  I know we sent Nathan to the nursery for the overnight so we could get some sleep.  I know that I did not sleep well at all.  I went to bed angry, sad, in shock and even in denial.  It felt like a really, really bad dream.

 We knew that Hannah was not going to live long, but to have your baby die in front of you and hold her lifeless body is something that no one should ever have to experience.  There was no way to prepare for it and the emotions and feelings were so intense.  It?s amazing how such a little girl can have such a huge impact in a short amount of time. 

We had a wake and memorial service/burial for her a few days after we left the hospital.  It was beautiful. 

I apologize for this being so long--I really wanted to share my story--Thank you so  much for reading.  I also apologize for the the disjointed thoughts and typos--it's very late here!

 

hewinked

Thank you for sharing.  What a litte fighter Hannah was.    They told us that our son would pass probably within minutes after taking him off his breathing tube and to not expect hours.  He passed 2 hours and 39 minutes later.  I thought he was quite the trooper, but wow, Hannah!  I'm so happy you and your family got so much time with her.  Many hugs to you!

dandywarhol

Thank you for sharing your story about Hannah and Nathan.  They sound like beautiful babies.  I'm glad that you had so much time with your daughter and that you could hold her, kiss her, and love on her.  

{{hugs}}

magdalina.h

Thank you for sharing your story. What an amazing little girl you have. I'm glad you were able to get so much time with her.

I understand your pain with the "to have your baby die in front of you and hold her lifeless body is something that no one should ever have to experience." I thank God every day that I was able to hold Aidan, but sometimes I get so angry.

I'm so sorry for your loss and congratulations on little Nathan. ((hugs))

Mjmksb04

Thank you for sharing.I am sorry for your loss and how awesome that she stayed with you as long as she did. I am another who relates to having your child pass away in front of you and how horrible of an experience it is. Its something no parent should have to experience.

DavezWife

I left you a note in my post below, but again... I'm so very sorry.

I know my woes have nothing to do with yours right now, but please know that you have helped me a great deal as I'm about to face a similiar situation myself. I have a peace that I didn't have before reading your daughter's story, and I just wanted to thank you for sharing that, as one momma to another.

Big hugs... please let this group, or myself, etc be there for you as the days & weeks go on. The "after the dust settles" part has always been the hardest part of this whole [loss] journey for me. When the whole world goes back to it's normal routine, and you're still on the couch in your pajamas.... very isolating and lonely. Hang in there.

johnnys june

I'm so sorry for your loss of your precious Hannah.  Your story was beautiful.  Heart wrenching, but beautiful.  My Logan died in my arms, so I understand too the part about "watching your child die in front of you."  *hugs*  One day at a time, Lovey.  That's all you can do.

Petunia844

I'm so sorry for your loss.

roxyttandme

Thank you for sharing your story. It is just heartbreaking. I am fighting back tears as I write this. (((HUGE HUGS))). I am so very sorry for your loss! 

erbarmywife

Bread09:

 

We knew that Hannah was not going to live long, but to have your baby die in front of you and hold her lifeless body is something that no one should ever have to experience.  There was no way to prepare for it and the emotions and feelings were so intense.  It?s amazing how such a little girl can have such a huge impact in a short amount of time. 

First, I want to say I am so sorry for your loss...I cried when I read about it.  Second, I agree with above statement.  I held my second twin when she died (actually, baby A, since baby B was already gone).  I didn't know she was going to die when I gave birth, but holding her when she passed was one of the hardest things I have ever done.  I am so grateful that I got to, but those memories (nightmares sometimes) never go away.  I'm glad you got to be with her when she passed.  Nothing/no one will replace her, or the love you have for her.  Third, Congratulations on your son!  Remember, its ok to grieve for her while still being happy for him! ((HUGS))

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NicoleD54

I'm so sorry for the loss of your daughter. I'm glad you got to spend the time with her that you did to make memories.

krysiahamaty

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It was beautiful and made me cry. Hannah was such a fighter and it's nice that you got to spend more time with her. I am so, so sorry for your loss. I hope that you are recovering (as much as you can).

pb127

I am so very sorry for the passing of Hannah. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. I am teary reading about Nathan stroking Hannah's cheek and your time with Hannah.  I understand the need/want to share about Hannah but no one wanting listen as I feel the same way about DS, and I've found this is such a great place to share about your little one.  I wish you much peace and I'm keeping you in my thoughts (((hugs)))

cookie_queen

((hugs))

I'm so sorry for your loss but I am so glad you got so much time with your beautiful Hannah.

kate6267

Big hugs!

Carolee

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet baby girl Hannah.

starrkitten89

I'm so very sorry for the loss of your sweet girl.

It's amazing how much fight such a little person can have in them-with Adria,they told us after they switched to comfort care she would only live for a couple hours,tops.We switched at 130pm on 8/8 and she didn't pass until 5:55 am 8/9.

Bread09

Thank you all for your nice comments...they made me feel very supported!

MeggM1

Congratulations on the birth of your twins and I'm so sorry about Hannah's loss.  I am glad you came back to post, as I had been thinking about you.  

How is little Nathan?  I posted late to your last thread, but I delivered twins and my daughter passed five days after the birth.  My son, Jackson, is so resilient and brings us so much joy, although six and a half months later I miss my daughter every second.  Please feel free to message me if you'd like to talk - I relate to what you said at the beginning about people either being very caring or very insensitive, and with a unique situation with the loss of one twin it feels like no one wants to talk about the loss and so they just stay away, and so often I'm left feeling alone because people would feel comfortable joining in my grief if it weren't for my living son, or celebrating the birth of my son if it weren't for the death of my daughter.  It's very, very difficult and at the end of the day you just have to take care of yourself and your son.  I'm here for you and I'm so glad you shared (I still have yet to really 'introduce' myself to the board, and I admire your courage).